I think its been 2 months now. I have been putting this off for so long. I constantly come here and open new post and just stare blankly at the screen.
The reason, sorry one of the many reasons why I have stopped making entries for a few months ago there were along string of events that have in my belief changed my life somewhat. I found myself in very hurtful circumstances where the people involved were very close to me. This is the reason I stopped writing. I could not bring myself to write honestly about some of these events as I did not want to hurt the people involved,. I could not be brutally honest and therefore this blog died If I can not be honest I can not make entries. After all this is all about my raw real me and without that this does not exist and I fail to exist as I would normally.
I have in some ways felt like I have gone through a break up, loss,anger and all that stuff that comes with denial.
I denied myself entry into myself.
I have chosen not to go to my triggers (thankfully I have a therapist-a beautiful one)
So here I am back and semi willing. 2 months later my life is like walking sideways, drop,jump,live or die. I feel like I have been struggling with this Bi-polar cycle since I went to the psyche ward last year. This is some fucking cycle. I have been torn apart, put back together only to be ripped open, again and again and again. I have been both manic and depressed- and let me tell you the combination is threatening. I sit still in a haze behind a fog in my eyes, my heart either beats as fast as a pigs orgasm (or is that as long) whatever it beats and then there are times with in the same hour I can't feel a pulse. I believe this may be the most difficult kind of rapid cycling I have had to maintain. But I suppose it feels like that every time.
I almost took a visit back to the lovely white picket fenced psyche ward just a week ago. I stubbornly declined and sucked it up at home. Luckily I was not alone. I had had support,love and a holding of sorts and I survived the week. I didn't use or relapse, I didn't do a lot of things I wanted to do, so desperately fought off.
This week has not been easy either. In this week in some ways I have felt so much better and in others so so much worse. I felt lonely in my struggle. I kept my heart beating with the love. theres love, everywhere. Sometimes one wants the love from those who just don't give it or just can't and this is something that is hard for me to swallow. Sometimes those who are closest are those who do the most harm, this is something I am used to but never quite used to it at all.
I am so fucking angry. I find ways to relieve myself from that anger. Unfortunately not all of them are conventional or health. I found myself in a place where my feelings were so over whelming, rejection kinda spices up this abundant feelings. Feelings are heightened or they are trampled on, either way they are feelings.
Sometimes I fucking hate them.
BUT clearly i love them to, or I could be far far gone.
Here nor there, me nor you, it,tho,that,then: its all bundled up inside of me. I don't have enough storage for all this stuff anymore. I try to revisit but it is gloomy,I try to throw out but I'm a hoarder of feelings and whats attached to them. Files , files more files, each word with each emotion with each memory and hope. They all attached. These ones specifically are attached to me, or I to them.
All said, I am branched out, rooted out and endlessly connected to everything that is in or out of that cabinet, that resides here, where my head is, my hand is touching my being.
touch.
