See Through

I don't want to walk throughout the same door every door. I wish I had the option of many different doors that took me to all sorts of different worlds and if not worlds at least difference rides inn this world.
I wish i didn't see the same thing I see every day. do the same thing. Sometimes I feel like a week is just one long day. Ive found myself comfortable living within that I forget how it is to even exit one door never mind a few. My body may be doing the same thing from day to day but what goes on here in this head takes me everywhere. I often end up in the dangerous places , I don't like hanging around there for to long, can't afford to get lost in sadness. I forget I have already found myself lost in sadness. Is it a state of mind or is it something that holds onto me or perhaps I hold onto it, what is the relationship and does it serve me in anyway. If the answer is no I would be content for it to move the fuck out, it can take any door.

I ask myself why not create something new, something different, where I feel good and happy etc etc, well I'm not a magician and as far as I know , building doors and connecting to worlds amongst more usual things I am trying, sometimes I may not be trying hard enough but I'm just going with what I feel and this is what I feel- broken

Feeling Somber

I am really having a struggle with being in my own skin today. Feeling kind of somber. I think after having quite a good few days of what I can only describe as a high it is probably only normal to feel pretty shitty. I have been able to tap in to my creative parts that make me function, using all sorts of mediums to express ideas. The ideas that have been flowing beautifully. Its been almost some kind of blessing(that being the help of anti depressants) to help out of a very depressing slump I have faced every day for far to long. I think today I realized and even though I know not every day can be a good day I feel very disappointed that today is not like yesterday. I should understand that no one day can be like any other but I refer to mood and feelings and most importantly an easy flow of creativity. Today as I usually do I woke at 5am with the hope to start working on some creative projects but I was instead faced with a block, such as writers block. I am very frustrated with this. I keep telling myself "It's okay, It's just one day you can give yourself a break" Well that's all very well but what of the mood part in all this. This morning when I woke I could instantly , okay after my coffee, feel a change in mood, dulled.
I have dragged myself through the day, literally watching the clock anticipating my bedtime just so I can start all over again tomorrow. This is the way it is. I encourage myself to let me be even if being is not being able to swallow because I have feelings lodged in my throat down to my gut. I encourage myself to understand that even if I am depressed today tomorrow could be different or the day after that. I sit with myself and I listen, I listen carefully to what I need and I try the best way I can to deliver.
You know obviously I'm sick of all this shit, the bi polar,the beds,the moods,the opinions,the lack of opinions,the support,the lack there of, I get it , I understand it, I just, don't know how to end this sentence.

FUCK

5am in the morning. Where you going to be? On the phone with my mother.

Just an average day, up at 5 am on the phone with my mom talking as if its a sunny afternoon when actually its still dark. There must be something wrong with our body clocks or maybe just our heads.
We not talking 5 minute wake up calls we talking full bodied conversations here.
And so the day begins.

I have nothing. um, mmm, nope nothing.

okay one thing- ideas are coming to me and they are being welcomed by a mind thats ready to turn them into more that just ideas, Im ready now, Ive been waiting a very long time for this tho happen, for my mind to click back into gear, to take a step back and put a step into something new, something vibrant, something just for me. I have and idea!

then she inspired to be...

I haven't posted in a few weeks due to being deeply depressed and I thought who the fuck wants to read about comes sad depression and loneliness , but lately Ive been thinking it could be use flu to some but more importantly useful for me to have a space to put down how I'm doing/feeling.

Luckily I'm feeling better today, well its not exactly luck , I have had a little help with a double dose of my anti depressants and since I started taking this dose i have definitely noticed a drastic change in my mood. I am up at 5:30 am and by 9am I have done everything that I set out to do for the day.

I'm not sure Im ready to say a slight manic has touched me just yet but I can say there is some kind of hyper that is flying me from one project to the next and I seem to have very many projects right now. Me being the christmas freak that I am I have naturally started on Christmas gifts sometimes I even find myself humming christmas tunes-- nutty much?

I don't really have anything to say, nothing has really happened , you know the usual, up at 5, coffee,smoke,dog walk,shops,hardware store,shops again,projects,series,tv,more projects etc etc.

Ive decided its not really about what you do during the day but what your mind does and where it venture and how you feel because all of that is a journey itself and like what you do it evokes more feelings or thoughts and ultimately inspiration.

I seems I had a good day.