Compatible you compatible me?

We travelled through Virginia making a stop for a night at Tarynns trans sexual friend. It was both uncomfortable and interesting. Not Uncomfortable because he is now a she. It was sharing a very close space with her and her two very large dobermans. When we arrived she had all her lights off.  Apparently she preferred it this way. I kept thinking to myself ,"I can't fucking see' and then my cousin said "I'm going to as you what may sound like a really stupid question. But do you have lights?" I chuckled inside. The lights were put on and finally I could see. Nix rambled on about Ferrari's, and having to find girls who like girls, I related to that. In fact I related to a lot of the 'emotional' stuff, obviously not the sex change emotional stuff. We both obsessed with our pets, we both stay at home and never see anybody, we both searching for love in all the wrong places. Anyway once she was done talking cars and chicks it was my cue to go to bed, where things were a little more awkward as I shared a bed with my cousin. Apparently I breathe very loudly when I sleep and as a result no body wants to sleep anywhere near me, so this resulted in him sleeping at my feet, But nothing phases me as I sleep, I am after all drugged out on sleep meds for the bi polar you know.

You know sometimes I don't think we realize, or maybe I don't realize how much easier or how much more complicated life can be and how much more complicated we can make it for ourselves. Of course I do not believe we can always choose our emotional or even our emotional reaction to things, perhaps we can alter them some what or learn to manage them somehow. I think what I am learning is even on my darkest days and there are a lot of dark days there is always a way out, even if I just stand in the light for just a moment, that moment in the light shines in me and takes me through those days. (I'm ranting-moving on)

We have reached a lovely little town called Ashville in North Carolina, Of course Tarynn(sister) and I fought quite a bit and when we fight it gets vicious , nasty, pure ugly but when I argue with someone I normally expect to be the best of friends a few seconds later. We fight about the most ridiculous things too, such as my apparent bad driving and apparent almost killing cyclists , of course these fights are not about these trivial things, they are just camouflage for something deeper. And after the screams and the tears there comes traffic a lot of traffic and in the traffic comes silliness and with the silliness comes laughter, so there it is a little tears a little laugh, its great release. I just have to add I LOVE being silly, really very silly.

Anyway we arrived in the beautiful town of Ashville.

Ashville is like a mini San Francisco, there is music coming out from almost every corner, art galleries sprawled all over town, electic mix of electric people. We spent the day getting lost in the streets where I found myself eating the best burger Ive had so far. Boutique shops and live music, dogs everywhere(i love)We chased throughout the streets following Tarynn in and out of guitar shops as she tried to find her match,returning again to town we she ate vegetarian whilst I sat and chatted whilst listening to a hawker play the trumpet. We will spend another day exploring Ashville tomorrow. We have decided to stay two nights, it just feels right, right now.

As I sit on the bed in a motel 8 , listening to some Mexicans arguing outside, I reflect on my day and try to centre myself. I ask "where are you now? How do I feel?" I answer, "I am with me, I am with you I am with us.""I still feel like somethings missing in me"

"philly"

Ive been sitting in the corner on a floor in the dark in a days inn hotel room waiting for the others to wake up. A motel I will add would do well as a mental hospital and looks like it has been designed as exactly that, scarier than any actual 'psyche ward' I have ever visited.

its difficult being an early riser when everyone else wakes up at a more convenient time. I wake up and as quiet as I can possibly be I get dressed leave the room , and explore a bit of the city we are in. the thing is when I return to the room , well today when I returned to the room it was still in darkness my cousin fast asleep as my sister meditated, i found my self sitting on the edge of the bath waiting , just waiting for that moment that light went on so I could come alive and so it happened.

We spent the night in Philly and It is a wonderful city. Its vibrant and laid back, we walked 16 blocks until we reached the old city where I trued a 'philladelphia cheese steak' which actually sounds better than what it is. I love people watching , so as I ate my 'steak' which was actually strips of meat in a baguette with melted cheese, i watched as people walked by.

As we walked home my sister offered a homeless woman my leftovers, the woman offered her a choice of $2 or $5, Tarynn declined.
I find this a moment worth remembering.

Strolling though the streets of philadelphia.

the done list

Exhausted. Its possible you know: Long drives, fairs, pick the duck win a zebra,hike through forests,eat pancakes,more forests,cookie dough chocolate chip cookie ice cream,book mills,pagodas,more forests,home grown,ice tea, soda on the sly, tomato fest,blues,natural springs,stone hedges,bees,slip and slides,corn on the cob,gooseberries,discomfort,comfort,smiles,hugs,long shirts,short pants,dogs,cats,tag stores,pick up trucks,light,police,drive on the wrong side,maple yogurt,barns,angel cards,kettle corn,corvette,flags,walk,talk,listen,stop,go,no show,

don't stop my jump

Initially I would of said the highlight of my day was drinking a thick vanilla milkshake in a pharmacy, that was until I reached a beautiful gorge where i found myself flying of a cliff into some clear dark water.

There was a lesson in the events that lead to the time between the steps before My body and mind sprung off the cliff and the 30 minutes where I had to condition myself to do so. Naturally I was convinced I would climb up those rocks , reach the point of jump and off I would fly but No it was nothing of the sort. I reached the point of jump and froze. I debated for half an hour, should I should I not, what if I break my back, what if i drown, "god damn this is high" , okay lets jump, freeze, sit down, contemplate. The I stood there peering over into the water trying to decide if my weight would take me right to the bottom and bam. Finally I was about to jump when I literally felt a force stop me. I said to my sister " I want to jump but something keeps stopping me", "just like life Carey, there are always things we want to do and we always allow things to stop us" that was it , I got up , I didn't look down and without knowing I was screaming as i fell through the air and hit the water. Sure i hit my ass and it hurt, I touched the ground with my feet and the water went up my nose but I pushed through that force that wanted to stop me and I felt free and exhilarated because I chose to jump no matter what my fears may of been.

After playing in the streams and the waterfalls we made our way home and all the way home as i sat in my wet costume feeling cold , i had my window open and a smile that matched the wind that touched my face.

A beautiful end to a magical day.

Throw up

As I reached American soil I had one mission and that was to get outside and light up but of course it was not that simple, first immigration then customs. Luckily I had a flirtatious encounter at immigration and breezed through customs, unfortunately my cousin was stopped. I was obviously concerned as he has not travelled alone before and tried to wait for him as long as I could for him before I was shooed away.
Waiting between the door where I could smell that sweet outlet of smoke and the door of frustrating know not how. The wait seemed like hours of worry but was probably only 10 minutes. Finally he came out and finally I went outside and before I knew it I had a cigarette pressed between my lips with smoke filling my chest, flamed. I'm sure this is not satisfying to many but to me it is most satisfying.

My sister arrived and in slow motion she 'ran' to me , we hugged and then instantly it was as if we saw each other just yesterday when really just yesterday was a year ago.

We got on the road and began the drive to her home in Shelburne falls. It was not an easy drive for me as I felt incredibly nauseous and before I knew the contents of my stomach decided to take flight out the window, hitting the back window and whatever car might of been just next ti=o us at the time. Thinking back now it was comical. A t the time it was like I was purging every ugly emotional thing that has been sitting with me for weeks and once I did I felt instantly relieved.

As we traveled we found ourselves off the road under huge trees and cornfields , playing and laughing and being absurd. For example for those who have ever seen the films 'Children of the Corn' we spent some time reenacting some of those scenes , pictures taken that freaked even us out.

Finally we arrived at Tarynns (my sisters) humble home. I went straight to bed , and now I am wide awake to venture more, all aware....

After taking a year sabbatical from my blog I have decided to return at the beginning of a new journey. Tonight at 8:45pm i set off with My 19 year old Cousin to meet up with my sister in New york. Together the three of us will embark on a 3 and a half road trip through the mid Atlantic states, to the south and up the east coast/outer banks heading back to New York.

So a road trip with three unique individuals with diverse personalities that I would describe as beautiful freaks who will discover and rediscover themselves, their relationships with each other. A trip documented by each using different mediums to follow the quest, the agreements,the disagreements, the emotional,the emotionless,the beauty,the brave,the insecurities the growth the power of family of people.

The medium I choose to document the 'quest' is photography,writing and this here blog. For those who want to follow a very honest picture of my life through this journey visited by other beings,may follow freely.

My first entry:

I have an issue with flying. To the point that I need to take anxiety pills. whilst flying, unfortunately my mind wanders to falling planes and nothingness between my feet. I have to prepare myself for days. I know its ridiculous but its just one of those ' i don't want to die' feelings, which actually is quite strange for someone who has been suicidal at times.

Anyhow, this morning as I sat outside having a cigarette a mass flock of birds flew over me, they were close enough to reach out and touch. I smiled as I never had seen so many birds before and never had I experienced so many birds flying so low before. As I finished my cigarette they returned, this time even lower, i could almost feel the wind from there flight, I looked into the sky and felt calmed at the idea that this was an omen, a good omen that I have no need to fear flying and perhaps I can be calm with out my anti anxiety pills. (Okay maybe not without the pills just yet) but I am calmed by the flight of a thousand birds.

Tonight I wish to sleep peacefully as we soar through the sky on a 747. Tomorrow is a new day.