unbind me

I am so tired of people walking all over me. It makes me question myself, my integrity. I remember I had a 1 night stand once, I was unaware that it was a one night stand. I remember clearly the awkwardness I felt when I woke the next day. I turned to kiss her and with that she turned her face. I was devastated but tried not to show it. I got into my car and cried like a baby, realising I would never touch her again. I think I became a little obsessive for a while, just slightly. I honestly don't do rejection very well. She was a direct link to my social circle so it wasn't like I could avoid her and if I recall I tried to kiss her almost every time. I guess it was also because I had gone through an ugly break up before her and when we romped around in her beautiful bed together, it took all that hurt away. I believe this was the time in my life when I just discovered cocaine and after her the cocaine became my lover for a while. The point is when I finally let go of this one night stand, I wrote her a poem (yes yes) and she was aware of my new party life, photographer image I had going for myself. So what she said to me in parting has stuck with me to this day, I often repeat it to myself, she may of harmed me and I went into it with all the risks as she's one of those 'straight' girls. She said to me "Carey don't loose your integrity" and so I sit here asking myself today, "don't loose your integrity??" It is amazing what sticks with you, unbeknown to her that sentence has often guided me.


I guess one night stands aren't all that bad, I'm just not the kind of person who can do them with integrity.  


In the beginning I said, I'm sick of people walking all over me, I am soft my nature,caring all or nothing for those I love, mostly everything and these parts of me are probably exactly why I need to pay more attention to myself and who i let in to my life. Maybe I'm walked all over because I allow it or maybe I'm just entwined with the wrong people? Time will tell. I do however need to set more boundaries for myself, if they were more defined I would be stronger, have more power.


to boundaries---- a concept I have been working on for many many many years.

my random is my random

this song is how I feel, a sum up:

It's in motion. The slowness of my very being. The thug that slaps me with his bag hand, my nose bleeds, I just stand there for a while and stare before i feel the saliva sliding in the back of my throat preparing like a weapon to catapult its spit into his face. My backhand is wet and disgusting, gargled with a sting. Aware the entire time the exact result It will encourage. A blow to the stomach and whack, i feel my knees on the cold ground, I don't cry, I scream words unbeknown to my realm of my nature at the time. My face leveled with his crotch, my little fist launches.
and fade to red, thick bright red.


This could be the description of anything, couldn't it.


it took me 3 hours to find five cardboard boxes. I'm sometimes even to shy to ask a random stranger if they have spare boxes, so I find myself driving all over the country side casing the right joint until I find who I think looks like the kindest person and in the end it paid off, after hours of endless searching i ended up at opposite to where I live with a funny old lady, kind as nan. The two of us were in a crate rummaging through boxes trying to find the biggest and the strongest, the sight was a pretty one of sorts, memorable. Literally pulled the neatly packed boxes from the back building towers until we got what I needed, the place was left looking like a dump. I do know how to leave my mark.


I am so out of sorts I hardly recognise if I am living sometimes and then others I am so alive I feel total on top and over, how is it that I feel these both combined: oh right there is that.
I feel so deeply about everything and people who I pass, personal personal feelings about people who know me and I know nothing about. I feel as if I can not breathe sometimes.
I sometimes meet someone in the parking lot and i believe all sorts of wayward absurdities. Grounded? phew, i know no such thing,.


I'm not going on about this again.


 So I opened with Nirvana which is how Ive been feeling but also I couldn't decide between lithium and rape me (as i have been nirvana head today) (you could without a doubt say that my taste in music has so many ranges and genres with such drastic differences (wait a minute I'm not on a dating website here why am i explaining or describing, itchy typing fingers) ANYWAY, I leave with a video which is something I think about not only today but everyday;) naturally, (see these two songs/videos are a prime example of how my moods work with In the space of 5 minutes, I'm depressed,I'm horny, I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm jealous, I'm exuberant.....)

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This is HOT:

message revealed

I found myself compelled to making those paper things I used to make all the time at school, I searched everywhere on the Internet trying to place a name to this game and nothing, I cant find anything. It gets me thinking when you don't know what you're searching for how will you ever find it, and this is how I feel.


It came up as I was thinking about all the games we used to play as children, Ta , Jussie and I. Only they were not games they were so real for us. Every character we took on became us or we them. Call it escape call it pleasure but I most definitely call it my safe world, even though some of those games were far from safe. We or I could be anything, anything: from singer to cowboy/girl to platoon leader to anaconda to writer to Australian, to pirate , I was , we were a trip and our trip was unlimited, we were gifted with imagination. our booby traps were colourful, but we would always warn the one of what we were in for.
I remember when we played very magical games in my grandparents garden, the garden turned into magical landscapes and as I sit here typing now I remember monkeys that could fly and soldiers who tried to kill me or take me, I remember castles at the mulberry bush, I remember the swimming pool being a swamp with 2 headed creatures or depending on the game a , other times the pool would be enchanted by a light such as the blue grotto, it would give us life.
These games went on, we rode stallions and unicorns, we bounced instead walked, we wrestled in mud, when we ate mulberries we called it our gummiberry juice and everything became speed motion, we spoke faster,walked faster, circled and fell to the ground, when we climbed trees we climbed into the clouds and lay there for hours just dreaming. When we swam we could breathe under water, we could dive through the air without landing, we could we could I should I can!


Is it okay to miss my past, everyone always tells me to get over it,get on with it,move on. Fuck that, whats wrong with remembering,we have been given memories because its a part of us,its a part of me and I choose not to forget, any of it, nothing- because its me(a part of me) I get live in the now. But should i feel guilty every time i wander to the then just because Ive heard so often don't look back look forward: I SAY FUCK THAT, why cant I do both? And lets not forget instead of everyone always telling me to look forward, right now I'm looking down and quite frankly I would rather be here, now if I can, but still look back a little,look forward a little: balance?


Ah the good old balance theory, I often wander how many manage to truly put that into practice. particularly the ones who are demanding your life to you constantly. But balance is a wonderful concept.


I like looking back into my childhood safe world, because I was beautiful there,WE we together and strong and things were in a light I don't often feel falling on my face. It sometimes illuminates from the essence of me, but I can only be me if i allow my self to remember who me is!

                                     

                                     

1,2,3 Play with me

1st try, 2nd try(my message revealed)

  3rd try(pis from childhood,message in the picture)

  

4th try: black