I am so tired of people walking all over me. It makes me question myself, my integrity. I remember I had a 1 night stand once, I was unaware that it was a one night stand. I remember clearly the awkwardness I felt when I woke the next day. I turned to kiss her and with that she turned her face. I was devastated but tried not to show it. I got into my car and cried like a baby, realising I would never touch her again. I think I became a little obsessive for a while, just slightly. I honestly don't do rejection very well. She was a direct link to my social circle so it wasn't like I could avoid her and if I recall I tried to kiss her almost every time. I guess it was also because I had gone through an ugly break up before her and when we romped around in her beautiful bed together, it took all that hurt away. I believe this was the time in my life when I just discovered cocaine and after her the cocaine became my lover for a while. The point is when I finally let go of this one night stand, I wrote her a poem (yes yes) and she was aware of my new party life, photographer image I had going for myself. So what she said to me in parting has stuck with me to this day, I often repeat it to myself, she may of harmed me and I went into it with all the risks as she's one of those 'straight' girls. She said to me "Carey don't loose your integrity" and so I sit here asking myself today, "don't loose your integrity??" It is amazing what sticks with you, unbeknown to her that sentence has often guided me.
I guess one night stands aren't all that bad, I'm just not the kind of person who can do them with integrity.
In the beginning I said, I'm sick of people walking all over me, I am soft my nature,caring all or nothing for those I love, mostly everything and these parts of me are probably exactly why I need to pay more attention to myself and who i let in to my life. Maybe I'm walked all over because I allow it or maybe I'm just entwined with the wrong people? Time will tell. I do however need to set more boundaries for myself, if they were more defined I would be stronger, have more power.
to boundaries---- a concept I have been working on for many many many years.
I guess one night stands aren't all that bad, I'm just not the kind of person who can do them with integrity.
In the beginning I said, I'm sick of people walking all over me, I am soft my nature,caring all or nothing for those I love, mostly everything and these parts of me are probably exactly why I need to pay more attention to myself and who i let in to my life. Maybe I'm walked all over because I allow it or maybe I'm just entwined with the wrong people? Time will tell. I do however need to set more boundaries for myself, if they were more defined I would be stronger, have more power.
to boundaries---- a concept I have been working on for many many many years.
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