Friday, May 18, 2012
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
what?
BORED: run out of any patience for any desire to purge never-ending thoughts.
DONE: with it, that which is no longer close by choice or none.
BUSY: with making cool shit!
WAITING: a miserable , annoying moment where I would rather watch pain dry
LOVE: the feeling I have for too much, overwhelmingly so. BUT mainly I love my dog, endlessly
LOVED: by my -dog,my ex,most of my family,some of my friends,my other ex,my shrink as in therapist as in wet dream ;) and that person too.
SAD: this on judgmental tear that rolls upon my cheek
STAY: I always play the stay play until I go anyway
JEALOUS: an irk in-between that place where it hours and that place where I harm
DEPTH: that place where i go and forget I need to come up and breathe
SIGHT: forever grateful to the gift of how I see
PARK: its a walk
SPACE: too much, too little, never enough, maybe too much
TIME: I still haven't learnt how to time travel and its really working on my nerves
FLIRT: once
CONVERSATION: can you please remember there are more then one involved in this transaction
SUNDAY: grandparents at the sea
TUESDAY: "healing treatment"
TODAY: let down,hurt
TOMORROW: almond croissant
NOW: goodnight
DONE: with it, that which is no longer close by choice or none.
BUSY: with making cool shit!
WAITING: a miserable , annoying moment where I would rather watch pain dry
LOVE: the feeling I have for too much, overwhelmingly so. BUT mainly I love my dog, endlessly
LOVED: by my -dog,my ex,most of my family,some of my friends,my other ex,my shrink as in therapist as in wet dream ;) and that person too.
SAD: this on judgmental tear that rolls upon my cheek
STAY: I always play the stay play until I go anyway
JEALOUS: an irk in-between that place where it hours and that place where I harm
DEPTH: that place where i go and forget I need to come up and breathe
SIGHT: forever grateful to the gift of how I see
PARK: its a walk
SPACE: too much, too little, never enough, maybe too much
TIME: I still haven't learnt how to time travel and its really working on my nerves
FLIRT: once
CONVERSATION: can you please remember there are more then one involved in this transaction
SUNDAY: grandparents at the sea
TUESDAY: "healing treatment"
TODAY: let down,hurt
TOMORROW: almond croissant
NOW: goodnight
Monday, May 14, 2012
are they flaws if Im in love with them
I would say I am down. Inside out. My body stings and my insides hurt. I don't like life sometimes. I know this could come across as being 'negative' or 'negative thinking' I disagree, its being honest with myself and i can honestly say FUCK.
Its just one one those days where nothing seems to work and yet with every try I smile and I am almost 100% convinced what ever it is I am trying will be good. Will turn into some inspiring lift off to some inspiring mind space.
Do I really believe that. The answer is No, I do not and I will not pretend that positive self talk and happy thoughts or affirmations of some words applied while looking in the mirror work, keep looking in the mirror and telling yourself that.
But hey who knows , I might wake up tomorrow or even in the middle of the night finding myself in front of the mirror repeating "All my relationships are loving and harmonious"
Well I think I could say that til I was blue in the face, just stating it as a fact does not make it a fact. And saying it over and over is not going to change it to a fact. I don't even understand how this can be an affirmation, one person can not manifest how a relationship with another works as there are two people in this relationship. Perhaps if we both stood facing each other repeating it, it could possibly work, mmmm but then again it takes work not a sentence.
Perhaps the affirmation for me at this moment should be , "even though I may not always be sane I am a beautiful creative being, who might be bipolar and unaccepted of it at times, I love and accept myself"
okay--- I haven't had time to turn the music loop off for my last entry so just hit mute when it becomes stifling.
Oh if only it were that easy for other things.
I am who I am and this is where I am at, This is how I feel and even though I don't like it, I'm okay with it.
Fire within me!
Its just one one those days where nothing seems to work and yet with every try I smile and I am almost 100% convinced what ever it is I am trying will be good. Will turn into some inspiring lift off to some inspiring mind space.
Do I really believe that. The answer is No, I do not and I will not pretend that positive self talk and happy thoughts or affirmations of some words applied while looking in the mirror work, keep looking in the mirror and telling yourself that.
But hey who knows , I might wake up tomorrow or even in the middle of the night finding myself in front of the mirror repeating "All my relationships are loving and harmonious"
Well I think I could say that til I was blue in the face, just stating it as a fact does not make it a fact. And saying it over and over is not going to change it to a fact. I don't even understand how this can be an affirmation, one person can not manifest how a relationship with another works as there are two people in this relationship. Perhaps if we both stood facing each other repeating it, it could possibly work, mmmm but then again it takes work not a sentence.
Perhaps the affirmation for me at this moment should be , "even though I may not always be sane I am a beautiful creative being, who might be bipolar and unaccepted of it at times, I love and accept myself"
okay--- I haven't had time to turn the music loop off for my last entry so just hit mute when it becomes stifling.
Oh if only it were that easy for other things.
I am who I am and this is where I am at, This is how I feel and even though I don't like it, I'm okay with it.
Fire within me!
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Afrika Burn from where I fly
I believe a few days ago I said I would share more on Africa Burn, well I also believe not much needs to be said as the pictures below speak for themselves. For those who know me can see that instantly, those who are still learning to know me can probably almost instantly see and those who don't, well see me. For those who have been following me silently, i continue to share more as honestly as I always have, With this entry I welcome myself back to my never ending collection of souvenirs.
In a nutshell , I mentioned my Psychiatrists fears before I left and funnily enough, she was right about the rain(I smile) she was not right about the boredom (it is a little hard to get bored when your mind is traveling in hypo manic spheres and space) she was correct about my sister and I having a fight. She was also right about (and this one I can not believe and say with a smile) Finding drugs right outside my tent. But no I did not use so with that I put her (well me too) at ease.
Other than the fortune telling head Dr, I had a hard tome. Not with being there as everything to me was inspiring, the visual starkness of the open 'desert' the sound of the kids waking up at 6am. The ride from one beautiful place (galaxies in my mind as I rode through facets of city lights and burning beasts, crawled through rubbles of anthers insecurities, I kept finding myself back within. I could escape in a click of my faulting cameras flash and return just as easy with a grin or a frown upon those humans who are so very dear to me.)
Feeling did not stop here, it could not. Not with the orange filter falling from the sky. Not with the masks that are so naturally worn by the ones. I could not stop feeling as intensely as I do, deeper I go to disappear then struck back to life with a manic flare.
I found what I was looking for and in so many ways as beautiful as I felt theres , I was left with a sadness of knowing: there is always an end. I guess sometimes I just hold on, for what ever reason it may be, I know it just can't always be me.
I hold the moment of free meets bold and bold meets dim, then dim meets light and light meets play and when play slows down and a sense of being lonley lives strongly, I find it difficult to balance both worlds or all the worlds and things and people that come and go, I find my feet in being busy and loose my freakish darkness to the bright blaring of that other me, the one i love all to much.
That all, this is me , you are you and here I share myself with both you and I, me and you. (manic much?)
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
to be
I thought I was bored of this but I am not. I have just been occupied with this little Hypo mania that kicks in from time to time. Sometimes I really enjoy the rush, thrive on my 'sense of being really busy" sometime i can't stand still but fall and sit and those times I am normally kicked in the gut from an unwanted unseen not so phantom ghost named 'alone' along with my rapid movements, rapid thoughts and rapidly moving dizzy mind, I still feel. I sometimes feel far less and others far far more.
However, moving from subject to subject which has become familiar at this time in my life where I travel from worlds in the walls of my mind, but fly with the openness of my soul.
I know I am so happy being back in Cape Town and 2 years was most certainly 2 years too many. That matters less now, the longer I live here and the more I live. Home is where the heart is. I'm home.
Next subject lies next...
However, moving from subject to subject which has become familiar at this time in my life where I travel from worlds in the walls of my mind, but fly with the openness of my soul.
I know I am so happy being back in Cape Town and 2 years was most certainly 2 years too many. That matters less now, the longer I live here and the more I live. Home is where the heart is. I'm home.
Next subject lies next...
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Pleasant Dis interest
So I don't know if its because I'm not in the mood, or if I'm tired or maybe I just feel like I don't have much to say. My days are filled with ideas and out of the box actions. I am constantly making things, scheming to make things. I fail but I also succeed. Its a weird place that I find myself in. I want to share but what do I share when sharing seems dull.
Nothing is dull but some things are boring. I guess when I'm so busy focusing on everything but nothing this is what it equals to: a little of something a little more of none. I have stories to tell but can't find the edge to tell them. Perhaps its about why and where, but I'm staring at the where and the why and still I just don't feel like it.
We can't always feel that vroom, that push that spurt but what do we call it when that drive is within but theres no 'pedal to the metal' arrrg is how it flows, yes no yes o is how it flows.
I don't have much right now.
preview to a movie of something I find myself fantasizing about a lot, its come up before and even though a small part it plays it plays in me : 'The Gods' I find the concept believable, I like it with all its soap opera shimmer, the drama,the crazy power,love tale saga: it gets me, I get it.
The Gods.
Nothing is dull but some things are boring. I guess when I'm so busy focusing on everything but nothing this is what it equals to: a little of something a little more of none. I have stories to tell but can't find the edge to tell them. Perhaps its about why and where, but I'm staring at the where and the why and still I just don't feel like it.
We can't always feel that vroom, that push that spurt but what do we call it when that drive is within but theres no 'pedal to the metal' arrrg is how it flows, yes no yes o is how it flows.
I don't have much right now.
preview to a movie of something I find myself fantasizing about a lot, its come up before and even though a small part it plays it plays in me : 'The Gods' I find the concept believable, I like it with all its soap opera shimmer, the drama,the crazy power,love tale saga: it gets me, I get it.
The Gods.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
not up to date
I have been gone for some time. In a week Ive lost , Ive learned an Ive gained some different perspective on my life, what's in it, what is not and what I dream to be part of my picture.
Apparently its good to draw picture. Some say its good so you have something to work for. I say its good because I can dream.
To dream again. To be again, to be moving swiftly but slowly getting there. Ah theres that time and space. The one I soar through but stay stagnant simultaneously.
I went off to a crazy hectic adventure camping storm of what they call 'Afrika Burn' the minuscule version of 'The burning man' I am not going to get into this now as I am off to bed. I just wanted to come back to a part of what makes my world sweet and put something down on this page.
I share with you a little bit of corny just because I can and I dare you to do as I just found myself doing and it did not take much practice, but if you can strike a pose straight off this video I would say its pretty much a guarantee you will laugh and if you don't I'm sure as you watch it the thought of 'what the fuck' with a giggle could enter your mind frame. I have the poses down, I'm still trying to perfect the hair thingy.
the straight face front don't move a facial muscle (easy)
night
More on Afrika Burn --- soon
Apparently its good to draw picture. Some say its good so you have something to work for. I say its good because I can dream.
To dream again. To be again, to be moving swiftly but slowly getting there. Ah theres that time and space. The one I soar through but stay stagnant simultaneously.
I went off to a crazy hectic adventure camping storm of what they call 'Afrika Burn' the minuscule version of 'The burning man' I am not going to get into this now as I am off to bed. I just wanted to come back to a part of what makes my world sweet and put something down on this page.
I share with you a little bit of corny just because I can and I dare you to do as I just found myself doing and it did not take much practice, but if you can strike a pose straight off this video I would say its pretty much a guarantee you will laugh and if you don't I'm sure as you watch it the thought of 'what the fuck' with a giggle could enter your mind frame. I have the poses down, I'm still trying to perfect the hair thingy.
the straight face front don't move a facial muscle (easy)
night
More on Afrika Burn --- soon
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