dreams fly

It's becoming impossible for me to live as I do. So far so few. I am so anxious at night being on my own and not only on my own ,alone! I feel like this is always about me and always with an undertone of sadness. I don't mean for it to be this way, I don't welcome it or comfort myself with it.


Obviously I am not sad 24\7 but like I said, honestly always an undertone. I would say it is possibly because i don't know what I am doing, I cant see how to get where I want to be and even I am scared of what I want to be and getting there. Like my mom has always said "life is not easy" I suppose if things were always easy I would never know how beautiful life can be, I would never dream or even be here typing this entry.


My need is to share my experience and I'm beginning to think the reason my entries are on a low is because my experience of late seems to be the same, so I share feeling or lack there of.


I am not sadness, I am me.


Away from the subject i light a little bit of Christmas with you . As children we always loved Christmas, the wholeness of it. It was always made to be of utmost excitement. We started with writing out letters to 'Santa' in November, we would then lay our letters at the chimney where sparrows would swoop down and collect them, carrying the to the 'north pole'. Watching birds fly. On Christmas eve we would watch The snowman, sometimes more then once, Santa would come as we slept, we always slept in our sleeping bags, side by side, with the plan to see him and I'm sure we did. He would eat the cookies and drink the milk leaving us dozens of gifts. It was beautiful. The dream never died for me, I admit it, never died. Sparrows still swoop my messages and fly to.....


I share with you something my sister shared with me, a reminder of my child hood and really this following video is not just about Christmas but about feelings,hopes,expectations,fear and love and maybe more... you decide.

themed dream

Iv'e been having this reoccurring dream for the past few days, always slightly aware towards the end of it. I'm not sure what its trying to tell me, what it means or what part of me it may be processing. I don know although it is the same dream each time, just a slightly different ending with a completely different era , I wake up crying at the end.


Today, I was taking a nap. I had only been asleep for about 10minute, and it came, it blew me from inside. It accessed me from inside out, if that makes sense. I felt like a blow fish. Everything is vague now and the pieces are scattered. What I do remember is, today,yesterday was different,today it was set in 100bc, I remember being dressed in white robes and dark skin, I entered a room that was made up of light. The walls were built with bright light except for the pillars at the door. Inside the door was a vault where everything of mine from my soul was kept in Scriptures and drawings, but they were being etched with pencil onto the floor by a hand, all I could see was a beautiful strong tanned hand. I left the room, when I returned a man and three woman obstructed me from going in, I was scared, I started to force myself past them, but I couldn't, I struggled as they pulled me back, it hurt I could feel it in real life, the door opened and all i could see was that my soul that was beautifully etched onto the floor was being wiped away, I began crying hysterically as I hit the man who held me down, kicking my legs,


I woke up weeping holding my stomach in  the foetal position., I put my hands over my eyes and said to myself "go back to sleep you can change this"


strange---- between the sheets of my dreams and this song below is how I wander through a very hazy Sunday.



I still smile- I'm not wearing white robes amongst,  hounds
I do know what it feels like to be in and amongst them.

for my amusement

What fun I have on my own. For the last few minutes I have been assisting my beauty of a dog in catching Christmas Beatles. I just couldn't help myself, That look she gets on her little face when she realizes she just cant reach, I stand next to the beetle and tease her for a few seconds before I flick it off and let if fly and the chase begins. I do amuse myself with the smallest things.

I remember when I used to love any sign of the Christmas beetle growing up. It meant Christmas was near and I started writing lists to Santa. Sometimes those lists were not things but dreams, to dream seems to be something I have been doing for a forever.

I spent the day in negotiations with my other self. Do I don't I. I did. Confronted my dad of all I fear and all I fear and all I fear was spoken. I am back to where I started unspoken.

I have this little city in my temporary home, a little city I keep building. I add on things whenever I can , It is a city of dreams. It goes from my heart to my pedestal. Each element I have collected from different parts of the world as well as different facets of my soul. I look directly at my city everyday, I look and feel at peace.. I jingle it and jangle it and see myself walking the streets of it, I eat candyfloss as I drive a corvette. I climb massive rocks on the beach and watch the sunset. There she is in my hair she shines on my skin and I soak up her music. Look my feet are tapping and I'm humming, I call her sueño.

Flying Saucers Vs Maths Courses

As I drove round the winding road at a speed unlimited to this desperate housewives village I live in, Music vibrating from under my seat,I'm humming, my head rockin like one of those Chinese bopping dogs people put on there dash boards. I noticed water soaring across the road. Coming from both sides, gushing, like two waterfalls falling upside down from the ground, somehow pushing it like waterworks for my attraction. I could not resist unwinding both my windows,slowing down anticipating the magic…

The water didn't come flooding in as It came flying through my windows rapidly touching my cheeks,wetting my chest with a sting, I flung my head round to take one more look at the transparent sky river. Christened by my thrilling water game.

mmm small minds, great minds, small things, great things, mesmerize me..

I suppose all this was so fascinating as I just woke from a nap, my everyday nap, 4pm on the dot for an hour. I have a million reasons as to why I nap. I'm tired,I need to calm my dog down,I'm going to be up late…. There is only one reason, that is I want to switch off, Switch off from it all. Thoughts feeling, things people,memories…. to much head,to much heart not enough rest.

Only when I "switch off" It still goes on and on and on only I'm sedated, but I dream it, I still feel it and when I wake I still see it.

So that's why I share my waterside theme park ride because for me its living,Its a moment and in that moment, I took a break,I was switched off but I was truly vividly switched on and it was exciting. I know its not always exciting but I have that in which I know maybe I don't need to sleep to escape maybe something like a a sprinkler cascading water on me is good enough to set me free. 

who ever really knows