Sunday, April 22, 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
fire starter
I am totally lost in what I am doing. I am working. Working is a little bit of a concept to me. I am working as in working towards something, planning to the core and through. I don't think anyone can come near to my extent of planning when it comes to going away.
I have 6 pages of lists for a 5 day trip away. I am certain I will get things for my trip that I don't necessarily need but I like to go fully prepared. From first aid kits to knives to planning around how I will make a fire, what I will cook , will my meat be medium or will it be well done.
Pages and pages of what if this happens then I may need that and so on and so on. So I need to go now, I have a long night in store.
Im planning my trip to Afrika Burns. I need to know how I am going to sleep what I will wear when I sleep, will I be warm enough will I be cool enough. Do I need a fire starter do I need a gas stove. Should I take extra tent pegs, are 2 torches enough, I think I will get lanterns with citronella oil. Yes this goes on and on and I haven't even began my creative process.
So to my new knife, a fire starter (thats cool), tripod chair and much much more
I have 6 pages of lists for a 5 day trip away. I am certain I will get things for my trip that I don't necessarily need but I like to go fully prepared. From first aid kits to knives to planning around how I will make a fire, what I will cook , will my meat be medium or will it be well done.
Pages and pages of what if this happens then I may need that and so on and so on. So I need to go now, I have a long night in store.
Im planning my trip to Afrika Burns. I need to know how I am going to sleep what I will wear when I sleep, will I be warm enough will I be cool enough. Do I need a fire starter do I need a gas stove. Should I take extra tent pegs, are 2 torches enough, I think I will get lanterns with citronella oil. Yes this goes on and on and I haven't even began my creative process.
So to my new knife, a fire starter (thats cool), tripod chair and much much more
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Artemis and Her Bow
This is going to be a shortish entry as I sit here in pain. I might be a grinder. As in grind at night and as a result my jaw, teeth and ears ache. I would almost choose a migraine over this. It is so bloody frustrating. I went to my Psychiatrist today. Oh she makes me laugh, in the way that she doesn't realize she making me laugh. Id say she is very interesting. I informed her that I would be going to Afrika Burn and she absolutely could not understand the concept of this or why I would want to go. 'what if you want to use?" she says, "Ja , because Im going to go all the way to the dessert to do that" , 'what if it rains the whole time and you become bored and because of this you may want to use " Yes because thats what I do when it rains and Im bored" the last one maybe a little more close to home "anger", "what if its raining and you're bored and you have a fight with your sister,then barge out of the tent and the first person you see asks if you want drugs and you use?" Yes because even though I wouldn't do that what are the chances that when I barge out of my tent in fury and rage I will walk straight into someone that will be like "hey!do you want to do drugs, kiff..."
Seriously, come on. This is why I chuckle. You know the woman definitely knows her psychiatric stuff her meds and without a doubt her bipolar but maybe I should take her to a 'rave' as she calls it. I chuckle.
I have been semi depressed lately, its no big secret. She so kindly explained to me what Ive heard before but kind of need to be reminded, that the meds I take are not a cure for Bi Polar but rather just make it easier (in a nut shell) Sometimes I think its shit. Sometimes I don't mind. It is what it is, no?
Yesterday I was standing in the garden , there was a yellow butterfly soaring around until it landed restfully on me and stayed a while,flew off and returned to my shoulder. Immediately my head goes to: this is an omen what does it mean, etc etc SO: Obviously it means transformation(this is good) Also I am going through a life change,emotional,spiritual or physical. (Yes aren't I always) Later in the day as I walked in the park a homeless guy stopped me and called me Jesus, he was convinced that I am intact Jesus Christ.
It got me thinking, mmm Jesus Christ, I don't know about that, If I were to choose from Gods, The Gods or Godeses I would go with Aphrodite, mm yes why not. Then I changed my mind I don't think Aphrodite suits to be me or I her I think She would make a better lover for mysql. Definitely, I can't be someone I am sexually attracted to, or can I. So If I were to choose, who I would like most to be is The goddess of The Hunt,Moon and several other things, I am Artemis! Beautiful, strong, Independent has a few issues with her father, free.
But no I am not Jesus Christ, nor am I Aphrodite and sadly I am not Artemis but thats okay I am me!
I did the following pictures showing my beautiful Gods.
Jesus Butterfly
Aphrodite
Seriously, come on. This is why I chuckle. You know the woman definitely knows her psychiatric stuff her meds and without a doubt her bipolar but maybe I should take her to a 'rave' as she calls it. I chuckle.
I have been semi depressed lately, its no big secret. She so kindly explained to me what Ive heard before but kind of need to be reminded, that the meds I take are not a cure for Bi Polar but rather just make it easier (in a nut shell) Sometimes I think its shit. Sometimes I don't mind. It is what it is, no?
Yesterday I was standing in the garden , there was a yellow butterfly soaring around until it landed restfully on me and stayed a while,flew off and returned to my shoulder. Immediately my head goes to: this is an omen what does it mean, etc etc SO: Obviously it means transformation(this is good) Also I am going through a life change,emotional,spiritual or physical. (Yes aren't I always) Later in the day as I walked in the park a homeless guy stopped me and called me Jesus, he was convinced that I am intact Jesus Christ.
It got me thinking, mmm Jesus Christ, I don't know about that, If I were to choose from Gods, The Gods or Godeses I would go with Aphrodite, mm yes why not. Then I changed my mind I don't think Aphrodite suits to be me or I her I think She would make a better lover for mysql. Definitely, I can't be someone I am sexually attracted to, or can I. So If I were to choose, who I would like most to be is The goddess of The Hunt,Moon and several other things, I am Artemis! Beautiful, strong, Independent has a few issues with her father, free.
But no I am not Jesus Christ, nor am I Aphrodite and sadly I am not Artemis but thats okay I am me!
I did the following pictures showing my beautiful Gods.
Jesus Butterfly
Aphrodite
Artemis
Monday, April 9, 2012
bullshit baffles even my brain
I find it baffling how my moods change from one extreme to the next in a matter of seconds, the blink of an eye,clap of the hands, flick of a switch, from beauty to beast , I shudder as I look into the magic mirror, "mirror mirror on the wall, who's the craziest of them all", "mirror , mirror on the wall find me a way , through the door"
Just yesterday I was taking a magic carpet ride and today the sky is falling.
I have X-ray vision, I see though me, right through me. I have seven dwarfs dancing inside, there names: lonely,sexy,displaced,fancy,dirty,messy,lovely(wrong) I think there must be 482 - 4 million different dwarfs.
well at least my house is not been blown down but there could be a troll under the bridge. Do trolls have horns? If they do I doubt that troll is any match for this bull. I don't see red , i don't see under and there is no over, Im seeing through but not very far up my beanstalk. I could be lost in following the piper , but know I do not follow.
Since I insist on making reference to fairy tales I may as well add am I the ugly duckling in some ways, aren't we all.
done being corny.
i feel like nonsense today.
Just yesterday I was taking a magic carpet ride and today the sky is falling.
I have X-ray vision, I see though me, right through me. I have seven dwarfs dancing inside, there names: lonely,sexy,displaced,fancy,dirty,messy,lovely(wrong) I think there must be 482 - 4 million different dwarfs.
well at least my house is not been blown down but there could be a troll under the bridge. Do trolls have horns? If they do I doubt that troll is any match for this bull. I don't see red , i don't see under and there is no over, Im seeing through but not very far up my beanstalk. I could be lost in following the piper , but know I do not follow.
Since I insist on making reference to fairy tales I may as well add am I the ugly duckling in some ways, aren't we all.
done being corny.
i feel like nonsense today.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
Smiling Easter bunnies
I have had a fabulous day and I feel fucking great right now. Im inspired, I feel loved, appreciated. I like these things. A lot it seems. I never realized there are people who relate to me through these words of mine. People who laugh,people who cray. I touch people, they touch me and no i don't mean If i show you mine will you show me yours.
Easter has always been an important one in my family. We are not outrageously religious or anything, some believe others don't and I am certainly not here to discuss my own beliefs. But I be;ieve in family and the bond I have with each member in different ways.
Relationships with me and others and others and me are normally quite complexed and I put that down to communication or the lack there of but when I have days like I've had today that all goes somewhere else.
I enjoyed a moment at lunch while I feasted on my moms slow roasted greek lamb (and don't ask me what greek lamb is(i shrug) I know its delicious and even more so seated between two beautiful woman. My gran and my ex girlfriend (mmmm) I think I had both of them in my arms at one point. I love to eat and I love to love.
I don't have very many words right now, Im smiling, my jaw in pain as its been for 3 weeks, normally at this time Im crying from the pay but now Im smiling right through it. Fuck it feels grand, to smile, to know Im loved, to know....
I made these treat bags for everyone today, i made one for myself too, I share some of the designs I printed on to paper bags(keep in mind each design was for an individual-- so you may not understand but you don't really need to)
Prepare myself emotionally for the morning: In order to do that I will do nothing.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Get over it
I went to The Eagles last night. Obviously like most 'younger' people and even older Hotel California is the song that everybody is itching to hear. Oh and we heard it, I believe the sound in the beautifully designed CapeTown stadium ensured the music went right into me.
The moment I remember most last night accept of course the 20 odd people who couldn't read and as a result when the best graphics of the entire show were displayed, as the words 'please stand by' along with the image of a tv getting ready to display, those 200 people were slightly confuse and mistook or misread the please stand by with 'PLEASE STAND' to what was probably one of the slowest ballads of the evening and made absolutely no sense to be standing at all..... but as 200 people stand 2000 follow and so on. I found myself one of those people who apparently 'mis read' or rather 'do as others do' just because you feel like an idiot sitting.
The favorite part of my evening where I came to a realization of how sensitive i actually am. My sister and i took all of three pictures of ourselves together with my phone,which means the flash would go off each time. I didn't even think it could bother anyone, as i was excited and never have pictures with her so thought it would be a normal need. In my act, that was purely innocent, stirred another in the opposite way of how I was feeling.
There was a shove at my chair and I looked behind, where I was not greeted with a friendly face,instead a man,probably in his sixties scolded me. ' you will not do that' he went off a little. I was a little hurt actually because what I thought was innocent was turned on me. I turned around and let him know there are more polite ways in speaking to people. He was adamant that his stern , unfriendly, obtrusive tone was his way of being polite. I turned back round and felt aggravated, turned back to him and suggested he relax and enjoy the show. He flipped at me. Something about how can he if my flash is in his face blah blah nonsense. My gut was to want to throw something at him but instead I smiled and told him to relax. He did not not like this, I noticed his wife put her hand on his knee and squeezed her touch did not work as he threw out the words as he pointed his finger in my face "FUCK YOU", he repeated it. I became tense and I wanted so badly to ignore him, I couldn't and went to his very pleasant level , "NO! FUCK YOU!!" he became aggressive as my sister turned to him and suggested not only should he enjoy the show, perhaps he should go back to his youth and feel the love, she finished with opening a flower explosion moment to his heart. He was not impressed.
For the rest of the evening I was convinced he was going to knock us out with his crush. It didn't happen.
My best part is this: when my dad realized what was happening, he didn't ask me what I had done, he defended me, turned and gave the guy a serious eyeful. (I loved it) I felt protected, between both my dad and my sister.
The only thing is, that such a small thing from a total stranger gets me all down so easily.
Besides all that, which was entertaining, I did truly enjoy my time.
The moment I remember most last night accept of course the 20 odd people who couldn't read and as a result when the best graphics of the entire show were displayed, as the words 'please stand by' along with the image of a tv getting ready to display, those 200 people were slightly confuse and mistook or misread the please stand by with 'PLEASE STAND' to what was probably one of the slowest ballads of the evening and made absolutely no sense to be standing at all..... but as 200 people stand 2000 follow and so on. I found myself one of those people who apparently 'mis read' or rather 'do as others do' just because you feel like an idiot sitting.
The favorite part of my evening where I came to a realization of how sensitive i actually am. My sister and i took all of three pictures of ourselves together with my phone,which means the flash would go off each time. I didn't even think it could bother anyone, as i was excited and never have pictures with her so thought it would be a normal need. In my act, that was purely innocent, stirred another in the opposite way of how I was feeling.
There was a shove at my chair and I looked behind, where I was not greeted with a friendly face,instead a man,probably in his sixties scolded me. ' you will not do that' he went off a little. I was a little hurt actually because what I thought was innocent was turned on me. I turned around and let him know there are more polite ways in speaking to people. He was adamant that his stern , unfriendly, obtrusive tone was his way of being polite. I turned back round and felt aggravated, turned back to him and suggested he relax and enjoy the show. He flipped at me. Something about how can he if my flash is in his face blah blah nonsense. My gut was to want to throw something at him but instead I smiled and told him to relax. He did not not like this, I noticed his wife put her hand on his knee and squeezed her touch did not work as he threw out the words as he pointed his finger in my face "FUCK YOU", he repeated it. I became tense and I wanted so badly to ignore him, I couldn't and went to his very pleasant level , "NO! FUCK YOU!!" he became aggressive as my sister turned to him and suggested not only should he enjoy the show, perhaps he should go back to his youth and feel the love, she finished with opening a flower explosion moment to his heart. He was not impressed.
For the rest of the evening I was convinced he was going to knock us out with his crush. It didn't happen.
My best part is this: when my dad realized what was happening, he didn't ask me what I had done, he defended me, turned and gave the guy a serious eyeful. (I loved it) I felt protected, between both my dad and my sister.
The only thing is, that such a small thing from a total stranger gets me all down so easily.
Besides all that, which was entertaining, I did truly enjoy my time.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Familiar
Standstill? I don't know. Its okay not to know. I can't always know. Do I ever know? Who knows.
I have successfully found myself living back in CapeTown. Yes Im going to use that 'phrase'-"there are no words to describe...." How extraordinary it feels to be home. Cape Town,. Just being able to change my Facebook from living in.... To living in Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa. Oh it gave me such satisfaction blended with excitement.
There are some who can not understand why I would swop a n open spacious house with a massive garden for a small flat and a tiny garden. Yeah sure I have some guilt round moving my dog to a smaller space but she will adjust. I too need to adjust. Not because I am no longer where I never wanted to be to begin with but just because I find change challenging. It brings up all sorts of emotional drama, I believe it helps I am in a smaller space, the more confined my living space the more secure I feel. Weird for someone who wants her space all the time. Space: not just the area between walls.
I haven't made entries because I have become selective with both my thought process as well as feel progression, the question I ask is it progression or transgression. It could be a bit of both. I feel as if I am both posetive and negative but real. I know whats up, I am depressed, I am also happy, not happy nor sad nor indifferent. I could be her or there. I disappear in illusions and fantasy , I reappear in reality and tell a story by saying nothing.
I choose to stop now because I don't want yo face the 'real feel' , I face it none the less.
It's interesting
I have successfully found myself living back in CapeTown. Yes Im going to use that 'phrase'-"there are no words to describe...." How extraordinary it feels to be home. Cape Town,. Just being able to change my Facebook from living in.... To living in Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa. Oh it gave me such satisfaction blended with excitement.
There are some who can not understand why I would swop a n open spacious house with a massive garden for a small flat and a tiny garden. Yeah sure I have some guilt round moving my dog to a smaller space but she will adjust. I too need to adjust. Not because I am no longer where I never wanted to be to begin with but just because I find change challenging. It brings up all sorts of emotional drama, I believe it helps I am in a smaller space, the more confined my living space the more secure I feel. Weird for someone who wants her space all the time. Space: not just the area between walls.
I haven't made entries because I have become selective with both my thought process as well as feel progression, the question I ask is it progression or transgression. It could be a bit of both. I feel as if I am both posetive and negative but real. I know whats up, I am depressed, I am also happy, not happy nor sad nor indifferent. I could be her or there. I disappear in illusions and fantasy , I reappear in reality and tell a story by saying nothing.
I choose to stop now because I don't want yo face the 'real feel' , I face it none the less.
It's interesting
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