Smiling Easter bunnies

I really need to do these blog entries more often. I know I say this every time I fade away but honestly and very seriously I feel something missing when I do not enter!


I have had a fabulous day and I feel fucking great right now. Im inspired, I feel loved, appreciated. I like these things. A lot it seems. I never realized there are people who relate to me through these words of mine. People who laugh,people who cray. I touch people, they touch me and no i don't mean If i show you mine will you show me yours.


Easter has always been an important one in my family. We are not outrageously religious or anything, some believe others don't and I am certainly not here to discuss my own beliefs. But I be;ieve in family and the bond I have with each member in different ways.


Relationships with me and others and others and me are normally quite complexed and I put that down to communication or the lack there of but when I have days like I've had today that all goes somewhere else.


I enjoyed a moment at lunch while I feasted on my moms slow roasted greek lamb (and don't ask me what greek lamb is(i shrug) I know its delicious and even more so seated between two beautiful woman. My gran and my ex girlfriend (mmmm) I think I had both of them in my arms at one point. I love to eat and I love to love.


I don't have very many words right now, Im smiling, my jaw in pain as its been for 3 weeks, normally at this time Im crying from the pay but now Im smiling right through it. Fuck it feels grand, to smile, to know Im loved, to know....


I made these treat bags for everyone today, i made one for myself too, I share some of the designs I printed on to paper bags(keep in mind each design was for an individual-- so you may not understand but you don't really need to)


Prepare myself emotionally for the morning: In order to do that I will do nothing.

Get over it

I went to The Eagles last night. Obviously like most 'younger' people and even older Hotel California is the song that everybody is itching to hear. Oh and we heard it, I believe the sound in the beautifully designed CapeTown stadium ensured the music went right into me.

The moment I remember most last night accept of course the 20 odd people who couldn't read and as a result when the best graphics of the entire show were displayed, as the words 'please stand by' along with the image of a tv getting ready to display, those 200 people were slightly confuse and mistook or misread the please stand by with 'PLEASE STAND' to what was probably one of the slowest ballads of the evening and made absolutely no sense to be standing at all..... but as 200 people stand 2000 follow and so on. I found myself one of those people who apparently 'mis read' or rather 'do as others do' just because you feel like an idiot sitting.

The favorite part of my evening where I came to a realization of how sensitive i actually am. My sister and i took all of three pictures of ourselves together with my phone,which means the flash would go off each time. I didn't even think it could bother anyone, as i was excited and never have pictures with her so thought it would be a normal need. In my act, that was purely innocent, stirred another in the opposite way of how I was feeling.

There was a shove at my chair and I looked behind, where I was not greeted with a friendly face,instead a man,probably in his sixties scolded me. ' you will not do that' he went off a little. I was a little hurt actually because what I thought was innocent was turned on me. I turned around and let him know there are more polite ways in speaking to people. He was adamant that his stern , unfriendly, obtrusive tone was his way of being polite. I turned back round and felt aggravated, turned back to him and suggested he relax and enjoy the show. He flipped at me. Something about how can he if my flash is in his face blah blah nonsense. My gut was to want to throw something at him but instead I smiled and told him to relax. He did not not like this, I noticed his wife put her hand on his knee and squeezed her touch did not work as he threw out the words as he pointed his finger in my face "FUCK YOU", he repeated it. I became tense and I wanted so badly to ignore him, I couldn't and went to his very pleasant level , "NO! FUCK YOU!!" he became aggressive as my sister turned to him and suggested not only should he enjoy the show, perhaps he should go back to his youth and feel the love, she finished with opening a flower explosion moment to his heart. He was not impressed.

For the rest of the evening I was convinced he was going to knock us out with his crush. It didn't happen.

My best part is this: when my dad realized what was happening, he didn't ask me what I had done, he defended me, turned and gave the guy a serious eyeful. (I loved it) I felt protected, between both my dad and my sister.

The only thing is, that such a small thing from a total stranger gets me all down so easily.

Besides all that, which was entertaining, I did truly enjoy my time.

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This is what Ive been doing for the past week. I took what i call an emotional journey to Pretoria-Brits-Joburg and back. I went to celebrate my Ouma's (gran) 80th Birthday and it was quite the celebration. I even witnessed my dad playing african drums round a fire. With large family events in my experience come just as large stirring emotions. From happy to angry to sad and happy again. Also fatigue sometime follows.

I have now had a few days to sit back (if you call cleaning your house for hours,coming up with concepts for children's books and spending hours shopping for storage boxes relaxing) Yet I have found time to put some pieces together,feel some moments I would invite anyway and do with open arms but for now I share with you the last week by giving you some of trip to you in pictures: 

re connect

Im mentally shattered and physically torn. Well maybe torn is not the correct description. My body is literally riddled with pain. Everyday I have a new symptom. As always it begins with throbbing pain in my head which flourishes into night sweats and knotted muscles in my neck. Stress.

The next day it is 'period pains' pushing in the sides of my legs outwards. As if there is some creature living there,twirling in my blood wrapping round my bones,compressing and then exploding causing pain to run through my limbs. Today It is my teeth,my gums causing my ears to ache. Incapable of sleeping due to the meshing of teeth and raw gums. This pain I am not used to and is the most intolerable.

Now I think to myself and look into my heart without using my eyes staring back at me from a mirror as the gate way. I sit and I feel and I become aware of what is my reality. Yes psychosomatic but not imagined. my pain is here and it is oh so very real but there is with out a doubt a connection to my emotional round about fuming and raging inside of me. With my lack of knowing how what I feel can be so drastically linked to how my body feels.

Its all to common I think. That this sickness I feel, the headaches possibly linked to the stress in my feelings of insecurity in what my future holds or the pain scraping feeling in my limbs could be linked to the disconnect I have with my dad or even my mom at times. Perhaps it is just my sadness that is desperately trying to find a way out to be expressed and I suppose it is normal that the more you keep it in, my body would be come sick with this,poisoned bu what some would call negative energy but what I call the raw parts of self that need to be felt and guided out or through faced and not beaten but calmed with self understanding. The teeth and the gums are most probably caused by grinding in my sleep,trying to grind the fear away. fear of ghosts and shadows hidden behind smiles that are forsaken or dirty rotten. The grinding of the pain and the lack of pain.

Yes I see it now, my body is paying for how or what I feel. Honestly I don't know the first thing about driving the poison out , i would guess I have begun just by expressing this. Where to from here I ask?

Okay now that thats left my mind by finger to key, allowing myself to express how I feel I share with you a few images, cards mostly that I have made for people I love this march. All the beautiful Woman of the water sign Pisces, I will lay them down in order of birthdays.

Starting with my Aunt Toni:

My friend Erica:

My sister Taynn-O

My Ouma : (Who received 2 cards, one from my dog Phoenix and one from me)

I share these with you as they are a part of me, people I love are always a part of me.

psycho babble me

Drug Therapy vs Talk Therapy

If you had a both a psychiatrist and a therapist/clinical psychologist/beautiful human being and you had to choose between the two. Who the fuck would you choose?
Is it even possible? I mean i know I sometimes play my own shrink by default but I have sense if I continued to do that I would some how spiral out of control, maybe get high on my own supply or even start dealing out lithium and end up right back with her, so no: I will not stop seeing my shrink: besides its not like I can write out my own scripts. Sure my pharmacy will keep giving for an amount of time but when that stops : hello doctor. No No No.

Then theres my therapist. I dont even have go here : Fuck no! Okay I will go a little bit. Something like the only person i truly trust. A place I can go and never hide. To get real with me. Everything is mirrored and means something. No judgment, brutal honesty,peace of mind. A chance to come home and reflect on everything I have learnt, a chance to practice what has been learnt,handed, shown without facets,masks or games. This is my heart of sanity: SO NO.

I can not choose I'm afraid, so this leaves me stuck in an unmanageable situation that scares me. One has a different function to the other and both these function are what aid my core function.

Maybe the only compromise is to wean myself down.

I have no Idea how this will pan out but I'm willing to trust this process. I believe I do.

crossroad(s)

My sister shared this with me. I share it with you as it is so apt to my life right now:


‎''All you folks think you run my life


Say I should be willing to compromise


I say all you demons go back to hell

I'll save my soul save myself ''

sleepwalker

I have missed my weekly Sunday lunch for so long which means something has been missing in me, today I made Sunday a Sunday again...


As I too my 70 minute journey all along the coast , the driver became the dreamer once again. As I pushed in the clutch softly and changed the gear sliding my hands slowly, I was moved with the control I had on the acceleration, I was moved to a new feeling. The blurred sea aside me and the dunes ahead, I could see.


I felt a calling again, a yearning, a place from my insides traveling above me by air balloon, there I was dangling a rope, "come on already, what are you waiting for" and up I went, I travelled with my thoughts of what if and whens and hows and ways, wheres , i decided to put the "if only's" in a black box in the boot of my car, far far away from my hot air ride.


Through imagery of fisherman and seagulls, baron houses stood still but fallen, crashed cars and fears of the normal "almost high jacking incident" , pastures of I'm in Kenya, no Vietnam, I'm swimming free, to boyes drive where I'm awakened and pulled back by cyclists who hog the road. Let me tell you something about cyclists , I can not stand them, sure ride on your bicycles, but please one behind the other, not two by two on boyes drive, by the time it was my turn to get next to them I let them know all about it. This I don not normally do, it depends on my mood really and they were being cheeky, racing each other up a hill side by side, i wasn't letting that go, I put that hand of mine on my horn,and played a little melody that went something like this : get off the fucking road... In turn they gave me the finger so I politely slowed don my car, almost to a stand still waited patiently for them to catch up and returned the favour, the on my way I went. Only to meet them at the traffic light down the hill again, where they just laughed and off we went.


The surprise: 


I arrived at my grandparent and all of us were wearing stripes, it was kinda cute. Something we would probably normally plan for fun, this one was by chance, we sat round that lunch table with Nana's delicious food , our nautical attire munching away---this I have missed, the banter,the laughter,the bitchy comments,the fun,the wit,the love. Anyway before lunch i heard my  om from the lounge, she has a very loud voice,rather she is very loud, "Can you come open you pressie ....." I was kind of like huh "what present?" but as I said it I knew "my sister" and there it was onto of the cabinet, the one we were never allowed to go in when we were small, there was a light glowing round this package" My heart sunk and lept\' I stumbled over the couch and everything else in the way as i grabbed it and tore it open, I smiled, my heart warmed at her/your words "i love you everyday, i think of you with your golden heart.
geographically apart but Love never away. Be your truth,Shine your soul, all you hold All I see you are"
I felt her in the room next to me, beside me , holding me, a huge big fat hug, and I embraced you.This came at a time I have been needing you and here you are,here she was.


This put a kick in my stumble and finally I got off my phone as I had been playing on it for an hour. wait for it- i got this app called , here it is "spin the bottle" ah ha, and I play it adding all the names of the girls/woman I crushes on and watch that bottle spin, I did this for an our--- looser please. Its kind of funny though. Come on it is.


My drive home was subtle, I wound down all the windows so I could breathe in the ocean, I played the cd my sister sent me,twice and sang along to some of the songs (loudly) My dog tried to drive us off the road, I stopped for fags, I got home and looked around and realised, I've got to stop sleepwalking.

no hide no seek

Oh wonder is me. I am almost delirious in my amazement of my day and how everything just flowed. I kind of want to wrap my arms around myself, i look , Oh it seems my arms are wrapped as far as they can go round me, no my hands cant touch. Geekishly amused.

All this because I got out. Not only did I get out I met people, real life people, that if I pinched them they would say ouch and others would say mmm , harder ;) No slowing me down once I'm on a roll, on your marks get set, go,go go.

This is the cool thing, my day was unexpected, I was doing my normal buying crap at Chinese stores, a little bit of stationary i don need another lighter for my collection that disappears, i must have millions of lighters that are playing hide and seek with me, it seems I'm not playing very well cause I just cant find the little fuckers. So the cool thing is I hooked up with my grandparents aka  Nana and GP, we went to this fair/market thing. Let me tell you when I went through those gates my peeps by my side I was dumbstruck in awe of the fascination of it all. The small things hey. The beauty: The stuff,the food and yes the people, my grand father seemed to be the only male there, it was extraordinary.

Normally I cant handle busy places, I totally freak out, I standstill and just loose total focus on where I am and who I am. But I smile, My reaction to every person that brushed past me was placid rather then insecure or aggressive and then it all started to happen. Some girl started talking to me and we chatted and we got so involved in chatting I lost my grandparents, before I realised how long it had been I kinda panicked and raced around looking for them. Phew and there they were. I had connected. It may seem small to some but For so long I have not allowed myself to even walk out of my front door never mind have a 15 minute conversation with a stranger. Okay sure I do it all the time when I travel but when I am here it is different, I make it different, here it is real, when I travel its part of a dream part of a journey its part of a story I can tell. The day went on like this, I connected with 1 more then I ate a pancake got a coffee, stuffed two rice crispy treats down (don't you love those things, I just had to , its like eating a childhood memory)

I had a day well spent full of connection, with my grandparents, with the blonde girl whose name I dint get, with the brunette who's name I did and to top it all up I passed by my little sister and we who do not normally sense each other out, held each other close and I could feel our branches twisting as the blossoms from each touched and parted again.

I've decided, I need to get over this morbid staring at the same closed door scared to be a part of a world that I have so much to give and receive from. It's hard though with all my labels, I'm up, I'm down, I'm inward I'm outward, I'm extravagant,exuberant, I fall, I climb, I freak out and ignore, I'm human, I'm here I'm open, not sure if it should be a warning or a blessing that I am ready to free myself. I think I am, I mean Ive always been experimental, from day one so lets experiment, living is not closing myself off and only allowing a hand full of people near me, living is not shutting my self down , living is being the Carey I am born to be (can u get any cornier then that?)

seriously I have electricity in my soul, my heart dances with my feelings, they getting down to my rhythm, the rhythm from my eyes that meet all of this and travel to my feet. My vibrant body netted with the grasp of my keep, I stop before i get to deep, silly billy make me dilly)

Eat brain for matter

Today I was wined and dined ,without the wine. I was picked up at my home a little nervous to get into my ride. An interesting array of guests to gather for lunch. My mother "the loudmouth'(but ever so caring, her boyfriend "the moody p*%s"(but oh so kind), His daughter Jade"the forever flirt"(but 14-a never forever) and last but certainly the best of the batch My mothers boyfriends, get this=ex wife"the sticky tricky bitch"(but just insecure a friendly smoke partner)and then there's me,today my role is "trouble maker any taker"

As we drove along the winding roads through the vineyards, with exquisite mountainous views. I felt queasy with motion sickness,with all the chatter of personalities trying so eagerly to be heard at once,Jade on my lap fondling my phone. A combination of trying to make sure she did not go through the wrong messages , Johns driving and my mother and the ex jabbering away,I was quite sure I would get sick. But then we were there. And there it was majestic.

This wine farm/restaurant set so perfectly in the mountains,vineyards rolling at our feet, this is one of those place you pay a freaking fortune for a meal that's the size of a table spoon serving,that when I left I was so hungry I got take out. But it was commendable none the less.

"just so you know your meal is served with lamb brains" I imagine my face squished from both sides into my mouth as I held my throat. My instinct was to decline. That was until the ex wife started chirping how people are so fickle and never want to try new things blah blah blah. Fucking with the wrong bitch. I looked up at the waiter "yes thanks I will have the lamb brains on the side please" My stomach already turning. But you know what , why not> right?

As the food arrived I grabbed the plate with the lambs first as I just couldn't stand this woman chirping me any longer. A fat like substance came oozing out as I cut the first half of the brain in half. A part of me could not believe I was going to do this. I almost wanted to block my nose as I did when I was a child when I was forced to eat liver. Foul I say. Fork missed teeth,Brain to tongue, I didn't swallow, I chewed,I swallowed. "mmmm, not bad a bit like bread and marrow" as I said that it was a little bit nothing like bread or marrow, it was nothing like anything Ive eaten before, a very peculiar texture.

So I swallowed and looked at ex wife with a very mischievous smile, pushed my plate towards her,"do try some brain" The bitch declined. All that stuff about people never trying new things, well I do say baroness "people in glass houses"

Well, I guess Ive eaten lamb brain then. Mmmm.

A few hours later I'm a getting a burger down the road, I guess a just missed the spot I was looking for it to full.

My "groupies" escorted me home. Only Jade and I spoke, she cant decide if I'm special to her, if we friends or something like half sister or just nothings, whatever we are it entails her being the paparazzi as she took about 100 pictures of me in a 15minute drive. I feel for her- she stands alone.
I saw my mom running off to keep the peace, the peace in her boyfriends mind. Dint ask me how that works but God does she try. The ex and I were no longer smoke buddies so our good bye was brief.

Lunch,people,brains,dessert,conversation,a good laugh,home,love,failed Chinese lantern launch

day was fruitful(fruitfully really is that all I can up with) Let me try again:
today was exactly what I needed to ground me for the week, it gave me relief and hippity happity (better)
today was one of beauteous entity giving me feelings of reward in all (best)