to be seen

i have not been the best part of me lately, so i have not been here. 
i should be back tomorrow where i might just explain everything....

TODAY

oh the thinks I can think

this is how i feel:

I transform too

bored

Boredom is just the reverse side of fascination: both depend on being outside rather than inside a situation, and one leads to the other.




I am so bored, so very very bored. I feel the agitation in my muscles, running through the blood in my fingers, shaving my bones. Everything bores me. There is nothing interesting right now. I am irritated with my situation, It's boring. I find myself moaning loudly almost pulling hair out of my scalp. I dont know what to do with myself, but boredom is far worse then depression. I find little things to keep me busy but that only lasts a few minutes even seconds and my mind moves quickly. There is not enough to do to keep up with me.

I sit here trying to watch a movie but I just cant, I find it boring. I almost feel like sedating myself to sleep so I dont have to feel. almost.

pure frustration. I need something,anything, what can I do?

The link attached to this at least relieved my of my boredom for a moment, a wonderful moment:
http://www.streetartutopia.com

i dont know

Oh but why

why couldn't you just of called

unknown

you know how i crawled

postpone

the voices say it's cos you don't care

tortured scale of emotions

naked without the notion

why couldn't you just write

rejected

you know I'm gonna stay up all night

infected

the masked brawl in here, believes you not there

the fall to crying corner

creates an insecure lair

why couldn't you just walk with me

unrested

you know i want you to

protected

the faintness in my poisoned fine

laid to bed without a word

i cant help but scream your name , unseen

i ask again, could you not call or write, walk or all

benign 

you know I need to 

you know I do

Full stop

I remember doing very many Inkblot tests as I grew up. I even began making my own.

I share with you some now. They are mostly the standard ones that are shown when your psyche is being 'tested;, really?

These are what I saw in these, what do you see?

nervous breakdown or something like it

What I find most interesting is I know what I've been feeling and most of what I've been feeling I realize that most of it is based on that which is I have not been expressing what I feel and perhaps if I just did a little bit more of that I would have one less head ache a week, one less of everything that is harming to me. I do know I have never pretended to be 'happy' all the time and I ask myself why do I find some things so easy to express to be so raw and honest with and others well the opposite, how does one differentiate.

I seem to be able to tick many of the following symptoms... But then is this not just human? Or maybe my anxiety is just making me paranoid?

Physical Symptoms	Emotional Symptoms	Behavioral Symptoms
Anxiety or panic attacks Appetite Changes that causes one to eat a lot or less Change in menstrual cycle Diarrhea/Constipation Constant exhaustion/fatigue Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS) Loss of memory or weakened memory power Low libido Migraine headaches Problems with breathing Problems with vision Sleep disruption (insomnia or sleeping for long hours)	Alcoholism or drug addiction Anxiety Depression Episodes of uncontrollable crying Feelings of suicide or invincibility Guilty feelings Hallucinations Inability to carry out normal functions and maintain relationships Lack of social life and alienation from friends and family Loss of decision-making ability Loss self-esteem and confidence Paranoia Recollection of traumatic event(s) again and again	Agitated behavior Begins to think life is meaningless Depression Development of strange behavior Extreme mood swings Loss of spirit of life Narcissism Phobias Self-vanity Talks less or stops talking completely Tries to harm others or self Violent anger

crossroad(s)

My sister shared this with me. I share it with you as it is so apt to my life right now:


‎''All you folks think you run my life


Say I should be willing to compromise


I say all you demons go back to hell

I'll save my soul save myself ''

play

Everything! in ... moderation?

no sense

I'ts Friday the 13th, the moon is huge and dark yellow, looming. Ice pack on my head, ice pack on my shoulder,neck brace on to 'align' me.

Tonight is uncertain , unknown. No expectations.

I've been told by a doctor who seems to be a Jack of all trades. Does botox, reconstruction, my doctor for now and apparently does massages, I shall receive one on monday. Im almost content with this. Oh right she makes her own bath salt solutions.

Im not making sense, my head aches, my shoulder pains, I am weary.

Lets see what this holds.

this entry seems to be just for the sake of an entry...

road tripping away from here

I'm shaken.

seeped in and twisted

Rattled.

a soul to give

taken

cut,bladed skin

deep,

torn

ripped within

rolled out twisted

unfold

querying

bit,hung

mind control

soul?

call,scream

died

wakened eyelids taken

drive 

nowhere to get there from here

back again

scared, paired with length

strength

dated fate

un rate too late

gated

look see, its not me

unravelling

No longer

want to hear fear

blank

Ecclesiastes

1:9 The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that
which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing
under the sun.

And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit.

¹⁸ For in much wisdom [is] much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow.

(and no Im not a bible basher)

to cry

"Solitude vivifies; isolation kills." 


I dont know? I must be really silly,really bored or just a little sad. It started with an emptiness and turned into a documentation of my sad "feelings" 
My dog was crying, moaning, weeping in a way, so I got on my knees and crawled to her basket. I lay on my tummy as I held her little head in my hands and as I loved I just started to cry. I could not stop and I did what Ive done before, took pictures as I cried, of myself. Initially because I wanted to capture it so I could see how I must seem to people. Ive noticed I look really tired,my eyes are tired,my body is tired, my face expresses everything, there is no hiding some things. So here I share myself, completely open to a REAL emotion. But at the same time it seems ridiculous. Why not, we always smile and laugh in picture even when we dont feel it, at the moment this is what lies behind that smile. Obviously not always becuse I like my smile, I like it more when I mean it.... (what I did was let the camera go with me,selftimer)

"If you want to end your isolation, you must be honest about what you want at a core level and decide to go after it."

spring tide

Oh to be a part of the ocean and apart from all else. I was! Just this morning. I went in easily. I lost myself to the water as it cradled me safely. I floated for a while staring into the sky,as if hypnotised by an eye. A great big beautiful eyes, a substance unknown to me but at the same time familiar. I was not waiting as the sea calmed me, I was just at one with all that took me.


reality just there on shore, not so far nor out of sight,in reach and as I touch the sand I feel the soul that was lost just moments before. A headache once more.


To be free. To find the answer is to be the answer. Could it be at shore,at sea,in me....

haze

round and round the garden

sunrise

All I am certain of is I can not carry on much longer with this migraine. Its quickly counting to 2 months. 
blood= was taken to be tested. For the first time ever a vein could not be found easily. 2 nurses later and a lot of pain with 4 different needles. I would take that missed vein pinch of pain for hours over this headache. My doc has instructed me to leave the lithium until such time as my results find there way to her. I have been without for almost 72 hours, could what I have been feeling today withdrawal. Is there such a thing as lithium withdrawal, probably not. All I know is I have been up since sunrise, oh no I slept in between, I am knacked. I am a zombie of sorts but I am also very busy building dreams. 


So it is possible to be physically torn, emotionally worn and whole heartily born.


The pain needs to stop as I keep stumbling over it, it holds me back and keeps me sluggish, I am faster then what my body allows, I crave to be in sync. 

take flighty

One of them days I say, I say I say.

What did I actually do toady. Let me think? I woke to a haze over the see, a breathtaking haze with clouds that folded over me, beautiful deep grey clouds. The sea met with the haze, all as one. I sat out and stared for atlas an hour. But what is time when time does not matter and time seems to have no ends with me.

Had a quick breakfast. Stewed apples and yogurt. The taste was sweet and sour, I let it melt in my mouth. Thinking now, Next time i shall add cinnamon. I drove my Ouma(g ran) to town to town we went. The drive was as if I was steering a smooth yacht on a calm sea. Her car has that about it. An automatic, so It doesn't feel like Im doing anything, I think I prefer a manual, the power,the talk, the control I have under my hand, move along with my feet. Using my whole body to drive seems more thrilling. 

I took her grocery shopping and noticed as she chose what she needed how she has aged since I last saw her. Gracefully but obviously. Slow in her step and an uncertainty of small decisions. But that could just be a persona thing. I like the feeling of pushing her trolly, carrying her bags, being her driver. I suppose for me I feel a sense of love in the way that I do it. It is not duty but honor and care.

We got home and sipped on some coffee whilst eating fruit cake. Outside listening to the dogs bark endlessly as we looked out onto/into the ocean. The haze was no more but now a crisp blues sky which still seemed to be part of the sea as it had turned color with the sky.

My dad picked us up and took us for lunch, where I felt no guilt as I ate fries and and a thai beef wrap. He stared at me overtime I put a frie in my mouth but i could not care at the time. Although as I felt his eyes scan across my body and hold i felt it and I felt insecure about it. I am not at my best at the moment and it can get me down, or rather It does get me down. Anyway, we had lunch, we chatted a little although Im unsure how much he hears. I did make sure he would help take care of my Oumas 80th birthday in march. 

came home and slept for hours, then raced to Pathcare as to have my blood drawn, the unusually early blood checkup for my meeds. I got there late so back first thing in the morning. Returned home. 

My cousin and his wife came for a visit but I could find nothing in me to be social. distant, whilst smiling on one side and the other wandering if they can see= me. Unsure about my space, I lifted Phoenixes ball and tossed it and before I knew they were gone.

We ate mielies(corn) sweet and juicy. Jelly and custard to follow. Oh the last time I had jelly I remember making it juice in my mouth before I swallowed, this time I meshed the textures of jelly and custard and the sensation and seethes made me smile.

My aunt and uncle came over and this is where I learned in a short time that my family enjoy having conversations behind your back,then hearing it from another,confronting the other who will deny only to learn from another again it was infect true what the other said. Why do we do this as humans. Just be true to who you love and maybe avoid the disappointment in the breaking of trust. Its hurtful, its silly,its a waste of emotional time.

anyhow, I am happy I know what to do.

Oh I forgot-- I flew today. I soared just above ground, feet lifted in the air, but close enough to touch the ground with my fingers,lifting sand in the air, causing a small dust storm. Riveting flight,almost hit a few bushes,broke a few bones. My pilots were two very robust and over energetic dogs on leashes before. They took me for the ride as they raced each other, jumping over one another and in-turn the leashes became tangled and I fell to the floor.

Awesome stuff.

to be asleep

I spent 7 hours on the road today, it seemed like 7 days. normally I take to the road as if Im flying through the sky. Normally I stop and see and make and be. Today has been a blur. I drove I stopped, I could remember how far I had got until I got there. I was the driver and I was my own passenger. My grandfather concerned about how I light my cigarettes as i drive, well he should see me dance,smoke and take photos, sometimes all at once, but this does not happen often. I am one of those careful drivers, Ofcourse sometimes I drive faster then I should but other than that careyful. :) Today I my weariness of other must of been in automatic and I used with all my force to make certain concentration was my safety belt. I am struggling with little things due to my headaches which are causing fatigue, but wry not say I for i have arrived in a beautiful space where I am cherished and loved and free to be s I need to be, which is quiet and safe and in the comfort of nurture by nurturing me.

I have to sleep now.

Somewhere beneath

somehow below

sometimes above

someday I'll go….

someway ive seen more through love

today i feel i've been spread

thin , a part from ble and black

parting with an embrace to seep

into ... in form of byes

it touches gently , hears my cries

ive been nowhere to everyone

no rightful claim no wrong

never gone

I've touched the living,Ive seen the dead, I take myself off to bed

(and if that made no sense at all, you not the only one, your call)

dented or demented

I regret to inform you that I am in no state to make an entry this eve. Finding a neurologist at this hour seems an impossible task so I plan and hope to switch off and try again in the morrow. for those of you who are only waking may you have a beautiful day. For those of you in the middle of your day, go out and do something spontaneous. For those of you getting ready for bed soon , may you sleep peacefully and for all of you be thankful for good health.


peace

11/12

last moments before a new and wonderful year of exciting ventures, a few disappointments, a lot of laughter, new love,new friends,old friends,projects,people places and things (and much more)