not that hard

Exhausted. I suppose a mind that never stops and a body that tries to stay in sync with all the 'last minute' things I just must get up to in a day can be very tiring.

 My house has never been so clean, my garage cleared up and orderly- this took a while as every time I see a spider. I jump, I scream, I run to the kitchen like a little girl to get the doom, return , stand a metre away and scream "die mother fucker, die!" as the poison filters the room. I am then to scared to remove the deceased, so I leave the room close the door behind me and expect that when I go back they are somehow going to magically be gone. As I go about packing and unpacking boxes putting things in place my head starts tingling and I jump, I feel a tickle on my foot and I jump higher. At this point I am convinced that as a result of ending a few spiders lives, Karma has come back to get me and with every feeling on my skin I am under attack, the spiders have come back by the dozen. Once I've done a few laps round the boxes centered in the room I stop and pack up laughing at myself.

Then theres my thing with hair. I am so disgusted by single strands of hair lying around. Yes even if it is my own. I love hair on a head, to run my hands through yours or mine but I can not do single: no. Obviously this is a problem when you cleaning your house,the bathrooms are the worst. So as I clean you will hear "arrrg, no, fuck man, this is disgusting,disgusting" I eek and freak and even close my eyes when I need to vacuum it up or wipe a surface with a single strand that sticks to my cloth. I then hold the cloth as far as I can in front of me and try to shake it off. If that does not work brush it against the same surface to get it off again. Ooops isn't the idea to get it off the surface. When I get really grossed out I dispose of that cloth and start with a new one. (I go through quite a few cloths a week)

I have had a few emotional wobbles today. Family. Huge button pushers,axe slayers. The strange thing is I cant really get into the anger. I feel angry at the moment I read a mail from my dad where he insists on pointing out all the things he has done for me  and clearly not for one second appreciating that I am in fact grateful. Its in my nature.
Apparently I make no effort to spend time with him or his unit. I just don't see why I would want to spend time with people who make me feel like I just don't belong,anywhere. Where I am constantly reminded about everything that PAY for. Surely if you do something from 'your heart' pointing out how much money they spend on you is uncalled for. To be told every time I see people that I should be on this diet or that diet, or wait how I can cure my bi polar. No, No No. The dynamics of this family is not easy to swallow. It does not mean I do not love them It just means I am uncomfortable in so many ways. I do not need to feel guilty about breathing every day. Yeh sure my issues too. History is a dangerous line to cross.

Anyhooo, Thankfully I am feeling strong marginally positive: Thank you God for Bi-Polar, thank you for me.

and when you fall get up and dance

My body has been trying to keep up with my mind but always seems to be a step behind. When I'm a Little hyper as I am, a little hyper manic (which I feel I wear really well)My body just cant be in sync all the time and as a result I become, well, clumsy. I am clumsy by nature anyway but if you were to watch me as I am now, dancing around as if in a music video, as if clubbing all day, the music in my mind are my thoughts with a beat and a tune and rhyme and I do feel as if I am on a stage, I have an audience.


So here some examples. Yesterday I was prancing round the kitchen as I do, but as my mind swirled around to the music in my head and I spoke rapidly to my sister I wanted to do a simple thing. Walk to the fridge,open the door and take out the milk. What happened was I somehow missed the milk , lifted a bottle really quick and as I spoke my mind didn't connect to my hand which should naturally grip and the bottle went flying. So I bent down and started to clean up the glass, only while I was doing that I was thinking of business venture 3062, so I stood up in a motion with a thought process not connected to the spill and yes a shard of glass was stood on, blood now joined the yellow juice spill. I was tended to by the 'safe brigade' as they checked how deep it went I was talking about my dog not eating the glass. Only then noticing the blood coming from my second last toe (and this little piggy had none)


This morning I wanted to take a drive to the shop to buy some cigarettes. so I get to the store , just up the road, I speed anyhow, I'm a racing driver you know. I stumble out the car (you would think I was drunk) for some reason I find myself flying to the ATM, as I get there i forget that when you reach a stair you pull your leg up and step with your foot. No.Not me,  I think I can walk through cement too. I trip,I break my fall with my right hand. I don't look around to see if anyone is looking because I am driven to draw money. The machine churns out R400 in R20 notes, I speak to the machine , "R20 notes! Really,You cant be fucking serious" a voice from behind, a voice that comes with a clean cut guy, "excuse me. What was that?" I turn and say, "that machine only gives R20 notes, It cant be fucking serious" I walk away. I enter the shop to buy my fags and it seems I am now a parrot as I say to the shop attendant. Oh no, I take out the wad of cash and wave it in her face, "that machine out there only gives R20 Notes! It cant be fucking serious?" apparently that was funny. I get home somehow and repeat the story. Twice!


I'm going on a bit here aren't I: welcome you to my colourful world. To me its colorful, reds and blues and whites and yellows and glitters and blacks and blues and light blue and purple and reds. I dance with my colors. They dance with me.


Most of my day was spent trying to get one task done, but that task took me everywhere. I didn't know How I ended up from a veggie shop to a toy store, to home ware, to 20 million different hardware stores and so on and so on, what felt like 20 minutes ended up being 5 hours and Finally I made for the dance floor at home.


My dog must love these moods because we go on very very long walks. I talk to people when I walk and some of them talk back. We have intense , fulfilling conversations. We laugh, we argue,we cry,we hug and then I realise I'm talking out loud and think maybe Its time to go home.


Home I go and begin to paint letters. Wood letters. I don't just start to paint , first I try all the colors I can and the colors converse with each other, a dance off and eventually I choose yellow. I paint out awake and stick it on my wall and awake I am: tomorrow Alive shall join awake and I'm thinking my mind might consider a dance in between.


Moving swiftly  to a catch my flight , the journey unknown, the sound track of my life changes with my thoughts and is carried by my feelings. I use my body and my feet and try to make my mind my partner while my heart does all the talking.




here it is:

interesting

Well I will keep it short- if that is possible since I am rather hyper manic. Hyper manic in a fucking fantastic way. Everything is awesome, there is beauty in all things and all things seem to captivate me in some way. Be it....

Someone falling asleep on me for a slight moment. Be it me telling a stranger how sexy there legs are. Be it having my dog jump on me as I walk through the door, the conversation I have with her about finding a home for us in town. Be it a visit to the bank with my mom to sign papers stating i am a part of something. Be it spending an hour drinking a coffee having a "you look away first competition" with a beautiful girl. Be it a chat on the phone with my dad or be it having amazing sex.

There are a lot of be its and let it be known I feel great today!

Dont say a prayer for me now...

Save it til the morning after.

I sometimes find myself missing things. Missing people. I don't like to allow myself space to miss certain things at certain times because I feel I am not allowed to that it is wrong. the problem with that is, the more I try to hesitate the more I find myself thinking of these things. Things get all tangled up with my thought process and as a result I have all the meshed up feelings that follow.

I know what I need to do, I understand the idea of the healthy concept. But when I cant forget I become frustrated with myself. It proves evident that I am one of those people who wanders this earth with a broken heart. I myself have done some heart breaking and know its probably some kind of balance of nature. But then again if you have hurt someone and they have hurt you back and so on does that make karma equal. What am i going on about?

Simply put I could be talking about a relationship with my addict, my need to want to be driven away from her but my hunger to feed her succumbs from time to time and I feel a weakness, i try to ignore it,pretend that I am not weak. Who am I fucking kidding, I can be weak and I can be strong at exactly the same time. I do not need to ignore it I need to accept it and ride on the back of the weakness using the strength of my sword to bring peace of mind rather than stir up malice. It will be love/hate.

I may be thinking about a woman I feel I can love til my heart gives in. She does not need to return that love. I'm different to her and that is okay. i need to stop pretending to myself that I am totally over her or us, I am not and I should be okay with saying that. Why lie, why lie to me. I try so hard to push it out of my mind but so what if I remember from time to time,so what. Maybe I find myself holding on to it, living in the memory of what I have made up to be a perfect memory at that. I am very good at stories,romantic stories. I should let it be what it is, a person I loved,a person that loved me,a 6 year relationship, a broken one that has left me hanging. To face it and let it be what it is, I think is this: You loved, you loved fully,you loved to the limit,you loved with no limit, you loved as if you would never love again and if not for the entire relationship, for a long moment,where you never came up for air. You loved! You don't stop loving because 6 years are up, you love further,you love , you just not in it anymore and without it how would you know, you wouldn't know the feelings you had then nor the feelings you have now. Most importantly without this love,this memory I wouldn't know That I love to love and I want to love again, perhaps this time come up for air every now and again.

I sometimes miss a friend I once had. A very special friend. A friend I have hurt a friend that has hurt me, a Friend where we allowed for each other to fuck up, we also allowed each other to "have your back" This is where I need to remind myself, I have not lost her nor her me, we have just moved differently,swayed but there will always be that bond. where I take drastic measure when I think I have lost someone/everyone I disappear. I need to remind myself to do what I want most from people, to see,to hear,to be.

I know,I feel,I sometimes forget to just take it easy.

This is how I feel:

Ecclesiastes

1:9 The thing that hath been, it is that which shall be; and that
which is done is that which shall be done: and there is no new thing
under the sun.

And I gave my heart to know wisdom, and to know madness and folly: I perceived that this also is vexation of spirit.

¹⁸ For in much wisdom [is] much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow.

(and no Im not a bible basher)

spring tide

Oh to be a part of the ocean and apart from all else. I was! Just this morning. I went in easily. I lost myself to the water as it cradled me safely. I floated for a while staring into the sky,as if hypnotised by an eye. A great big beautiful eyes, a substance unknown to me but at the same time familiar. I was not waiting as the sea calmed me, I was just at one with all that took me.


reality just there on shore, not so far nor out of sight,in reach and as I touch the sand I feel the soul that was lost just moments before. A headache once more.


To be free. To find the answer is to be the answer. Could it be at shore,at sea,in me....

Im Alive

The fuck off switch is a dangerous button. Can lead to all sorts of justifications. I thought mine flipped earlier today, my finger hovering over it. The who cares one is equal to the fuck off. The same thing really. Both of those combined are exactly what lead me into rehab 2 and a bit years ago.

I stick to my decision, so fuck it to the fuck off and who cares for the who cares. Not I. Not today.

I am currently very busy working on Christmas gifts. i love every second of making,preparing being in Christmas with my loved ones. i love it all. I'm like a kid with my chocolate calender, my mini tree, my cards on the fridge, my dogs Christmas bandanna, my red jersey. Divine, in me.

So I have no thoughts as I am really into what I am doing at this moment and just want to share that "I'm Alive" quoted from my cousin.

rush for room

Theres a rattle in my brain, it is not inane not even for the insane,

you could hit me with your cane, Id still be singing in the rain

This might be lame, but Im no dame, 

its my minds name, wont lead to fame,

just the same ol same

Its a rag doll, thoughts stumble without alcohol,

I could take a strippers pole to my mind most foul

Its a bite in the back, a jittered heart attack, 

a freaky little horror of a shop that I lack,i fall when its slack, 

but im jumping jack

I cant see me free or flee, maybe crazy eagerly climb a tree would you agree to be we with glee and scream yippee until stung by a bee

Breed it,Feed it,Screw it ,do it,fuse it, muse it,lock it, f*ckit

I laugh now at this silly rhyme because I can because its mine, as I know Its benign ,its free for you splendidly from a fetching me.