Save it til the morning after.
I sometimes find myself missing things. Missing people. I don't like to allow myself space to miss certain things at certain times because I feel I am not allowed to that it is wrong. the problem with that is, the more I try to hesitate the more I find myself thinking of these things. Things get all tangled up with my thought process and as a result I have all the meshed up feelings that follow.
I know what I need to do, I understand the idea of the healthy concept. But when I cant forget I become frustrated with myself. It proves evident that I am one of those people who wanders this earth with a broken heart. I myself have done some heart breaking and know its probably some kind of balance of nature. But then again if you have hurt someone and they have hurt you back and so on does that make karma equal. What am i going on about?
Simply put I could be talking about a relationship with my addict, my need to want to be driven away from her but my hunger to feed her succumbs from time to time and I feel a weakness, i try to ignore it,pretend that I am not weak. Who am I fucking kidding, I can be weak and I can be strong at exactly the same time. I do not need to ignore it I need to accept it and ride on the back of the weakness using the strength of my sword to bring peace of mind rather than stir up malice. It will be love/hate.
I may be thinking about a woman I feel I can love til my heart gives in. She does not need to return that love. I'm different to her and that is okay. i need to stop pretending to myself that I am totally over her or us, I am not and I should be okay with saying that. Why lie, why lie to me. I try so hard to push it out of my mind but so what if I remember from time to time,so what. Maybe I find myself holding on to it, living in the memory of what I have made up to be a perfect memory at that. I am very good at stories,romantic stories. I should let it be what it is, a person I loved,a person that loved me,a 6 year relationship, a broken one that has left me hanging. To face it and let it be what it is, I think is this: You loved, you loved fully,you loved to the limit,you loved with no limit, you loved as if you would never love again and if not for the entire relationship, for a long moment,where you never came up for air. You loved! You don't stop loving because 6 years are up, you love further,you love , you just not in it anymore and without it how would you know, you wouldn't know the feelings you had then nor the feelings you have now. Most importantly without this love,this memory I wouldn't know That I love to love and I want to love again, perhaps this time come up for air every now and again.
I sometimes miss a friend I once had. A very special friend. A friend I have hurt a friend that has hurt me, a Friend where we allowed for each other to fuck up, we also allowed each other to "have your back" This is where I need to remind myself, I have not lost her nor her me, we have just moved differently,swayed but there will always be that bond. where I take drastic measure when I think I have lost someone/everyone I disappear. I need to remind myself to do what I want most from people, to see,to hear,to be.
I know,I feel,I sometimes forget to just take it easy.
This is how I feel:
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