Exhausted. I suppose a mind that never stops and a body that tries to stay in sync with all the 'last minute' things I just must get up to in a day can be very tiring.
My house has never been so clean, my garage cleared up and orderly- this took a while as every time I see a spider. I jump, I scream, I run to the kitchen like a little girl to get the doom, return , stand a metre away and scream "die mother fucker, die!" as the poison filters the room. I am then to scared to remove the deceased, so I leave the room close the door behind me and expect that when I go back they are somehow going to magically be gone. As I go about packing and unpacking boxes putting things in place my head starts tingling and I jump, I feel a tickle on my foot and I jump higher. At this point I am convinced that as a result of ending a few spiders lives, Karma has come back to get me and with every feeling on my skin I am under attack, the spiders have come back by the dozen. Once I've done a few laps round the boxes centered in the room I stop and pack up laughing at myself.
Then theres my thing with hair. I am so disgusted by single strands of hair lying around. Yes even if it is my own. I love hair on a head, to run my hands through yours or mine but I can not do single: no. Obviously this is a problem when you cleaning your house,the bathrooms are the worst. So as I clean you will hear "arrrg, no, fuck man, this is disgusting,disgusting" I eek and freak and even close my eyes when I need to vacuum it up or wipe a surface with a single strand that sticks to my cloth. I then hold the cloth as far as I can in front of me and try to shake it off. If that does not work brush it against the same surface to get it off again. Ooops isn't the idea to get it off the surface. When I get really grossed out I dispose of that cloth and start with a new one. (I go through quite a few cloths a week)
I have had a few emotional wobbles today. Family. Huge button pushers,axe slayers. The strange thing is I cant really get into the anger. I feel angry at the moment I read a mail from my dad where he insists on pointing out all the things he has done for me and clearly not for one second appreciating that I am in fact grateful. Its in my nature.
Apparently I make no effort to spend time with him or his unit. I just don't see why I would want to spend time with people who make me feel like I just don't belong,anywhere. Where I am constantly reminded about everything that PAY for. Surely if you do something from 'your heart' pointing out how much money they spend on you is uncalled for. To be told every time I see people that I should be on this diet or that diet, or wait how I can cure my bi polar. No, No No. The dynamics of this family is not easy to swallow. It does not mean I do not love them It just means I am uncomfortable in so many ways. I do not need to feel guilty about breathing every day. Yeh sure my issues too. History is a dangerous line to cross.
Anyhooo, Thankfully I am feeling strong marginally positive: Thank you God for Bi-Polar, thank you for me.
My house has never been so clean, my garage cleared up and orderly- this took a while as every time I see a spider. I jump, I scream, I run to the kitchen like a little girl to get the doom, return , stand a metre away and scream "die mother fucker, die!" as the poison filters the room. I am then to scared to remove the deceased, so I leave the room close the door behind me and expect that when I go back they are somehow going to magically be gone. As I go about packing and unpacking boxes putting things in place my head starts tingling and I jump, I feel a tickle on my foot and I jump higher. At this point I am convinced that as a result of ending a few spiders lives, Karma has come back to get me and with every feeling on my skin I am under attack, the spiders have come back by the dozen. Once I've done a few laps round the boxes centered in the room I stop and pack up laughing at myself.
Then theres my thing with hair. I am so disgusted by single strands of hair lying around. Yes even if it is my own. I love hair on a head, to run my hands through yours or mine but I can not do single: no. Obviously this is a problem when you cleaning your house,the bathrooms are the worst. So as I clean you will hear "arrrg, no, fuck man, this is disgusting,disgusting" I eek and freak and even close my eyes when I need to vacuum it up or wipe a surface with a single strand that sticks to my cloth. I then hold the cloth as far as I can in front of me and try to shake it off. If that does not work brush it against the same surface to get it off again. Ooops isn't the idea to get it off the surface. When I get really grossed out I dispose of that cloth and start with a new one. (I go through quite a few cloths a week)
I have had a few emotional wobbles today. Family. Huge button pushers,axe slayers. The strange thing is I cant really get into the anger. I feel angry at the moment I read a mail from my dad where he insists on pointing out all the things he has done for me and clearly not for one second appreciating that I am in fact grateful. Its in my nature.
Apparently I make no effort to spend time with him or his unit. I just don't see why I would want to spend time with people who make me feel like I just don't belong,anywhere. Where I am constantly reminded about everything that PAY for. Surely if you do something from 'your heart' pointing out how much money they spend on you is uncalled for. To be told every time I see people that I should be on this diet or that diet, or wait how I can cure my bi polar. No, No No. The dynamics of this family is not easy to swallow. It does not mean I do not love them It just means I am uncomfortable in so many ways. I do not need to feel guilty about breathing every day. Yeh sure my issues too. History is a dangerous line to cross.
Anyhooo, Thankfully I am feeling strong marginally positive: Thank you God for Bi-Polar, thank you for me.
No comments:
Post a Comment
say it