humdrum

simple! I have plodded along today with inner conflict. The more minutes that pass the more tiresome I grow. Battling to bare the light of day, my eyelids heavy, heavier as my feet trudge along the ground with the humdrum of the day.

Not even a vitamin B shot in the ass could fix a spurt of energy to my body beat. I had the shot at 11-11 I was taken to sleep by 11:45, I woke again at 14:40. I continued to sleep most of the day. My body feeble to the world, my mind frail and I am just purely fragile and bleak.

My sister says "It's the shift, you going through the portal" well I'd prefer that over the other option.

I am feeling docile and let down. I feel I will have to fight but not sure how much of a fight is in me at the moment. Is it always a fucking fight. lessons? Ongoing lessons, I learnt a long time ago that I don't know how to do these things on my own , honestly does that make me less of a adult. I shrug my shoulders and say "probably" Its disappointing, I learnt a long time ago that disappointment and rejection go hand in hand. I also learnt that everything seems to happen all at once. I learnt i cant do this alone.

So if it makes me a baby to ask you for help well then that's okay, don't worry I can at least change my own diapers all I'm asking you is to help me walk.

why are one of my worst fears saying what I want, knowing that there is nothing wrong with what I want and yet still being too intimidated to say it or ask it even though its the right thing. My guess is I'm scared I cant handle the outcome which is (disappointment and rejection)

yup yup


the humdrum of my day....

 YOU ARE NOW ENTERING LAUGHTER LAND:
SMILING,LAUGHING,CHUCKLING,GIGGLING PERMITTED By Order of the King
"There" said little  Miss Sunshine."Now you can be happy". "But I don't know HOW to be happy". sniffed the King.

"I've never TRIED IT!"

 Ehm, ehm....

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knickers tied in a knot

and, it all comes to an end. Sleeping ends, the moment you wake up ends , every single ritual during the day ends but as it ends, another thing begins, so as putting on my clothes ends, making my coffee begins. These are just the little things, but the little things bring the same message, paint a much more simple picture as the larger perhaps more difficult, more enjoyable things. Depends what an individuals definition is of more enjoyable. I could write volumes of texts and inserts of philosophies on something as simply as brushing my teeth , going outside for the first time in the morning, to a dream such as wanting to sail across the Atlantic or travel to PERU.

I remember as a younging having a simple dream , it went like so: I wanted to live in the bush for 3 months of the year, in the City for 5 months (any City in the world NYC was on my list at the time because my uncles lived there) and the rest of the time I want to live by the sea. I didn't think of things like a job or how I would come to afford living there, that's what I wanted, that's what I dreamed. As I got older it stayed the more was just added, like lovers and interests and art etc etc.

I realise now my dreams or wants are not all that different, I would like to be in the bush once a year (i somehow always get that right) Be by the sea (check) Live in the city (well this i need to work on) Ive narrowed it down to Cape Town, NYC, Barcelona or Athens and from one of those places I would like to travel all the time. Still like a kid I do not think about where the money will come from to reach these dreams and I guess that's why they called dreams, but I kinda see them as goals. But unlike as I was growing I don't have a clear idea on the fillers, the lover, the friends, the "job ideas", the interests are there and the rest will follow.

or i could loose myself beneath Venice as I did in my story book. (again)

This comes up why? Today I officially completed my design job and now I don't have much to do(oh but there is Christmas) I feel an immediate gap, what am I waking up for, for a new day,a new life....

so in a day, my day today

I received a message that read "You know, YOU are now "the amazing" , oh and I smiled , this was just after a call I received where the same person opened the conversation with, "we are so in love with you right now" This was from the woman I spent so many hours doing the design work for and naturally this put a huge grin on my face. Of course I responded with some flirtatious half witted cocky response and as she laughed her words echoed again and then she said , "we well meet next week and discuss you payment"
Damn , I was just about to send her an invoice. You see I have issues with asking for money deserved and now I am going to have to do it face to face, but surely if she is singing my praises all will be fine?
right and until then I'm sure I will be practicing everyday.

today,
some thoughts were rotten and badly scarred,etched in my being to become unhold

today,

i forgot that I hadn't brushed my teeth until 10

today,

I hid who i was as someone passed judgement on me as they crept through my flat

today,

i couldn't get hold of you

today,

i went from ecstatic to dull to happy to defeated to sad to me to it all as It shows humanly

today,tomorrow

who knows

another thing, two sisters so far apart who can be on such similar ground and just know: single+relate=whole


this song is for you...

siesta es más

I dare you to watch this first then read (if you can)

Wow, my moods do have there own personalities,(that's a given) there own boss. Do what they want when they want and how. and as I come alive to the music of it all my foot taps along with me, my body starts moving, my shoulder go up and down, my smile flows as my eyes widen, I become like an excited child, and whiz off to the floor, i go!


Yes yes, It probably has a lot to do , with the link that is above, and as I type I type with tune and laugh louder every time OLE! My dog looks at me from under her brow, at first she groans and then she growls.I stand i prance I'm on my toes, I clap my hands and go...
she follows me with her big brown eyes as i circle the table my arms in the air, a clap on every hideaway ole! I clap , i skip, i jump, i move, I'm , still, i laugh , i glance , i groove, and then she jumps to the floor and barks. Now its perfect, the song has stopped playing but my voice is still going and my body has not stopped moving, I'm circling the table as my dog starts to follow, Simon says do that, and we pitter patter a bit, and we waltz before i sit, i sit for just a second and up a jump to dance again.
My dog has now lept up on me, she is going completely crazy, i singing eagerly, my voice my dance swooping merrily. i whisper just to calm her down, but know she is as hyped as, so i pull her in and she licks my face, there we waltz again.... OLE!


OK I calm down and calm her down, or so i think, I go outside and light my usual fag, i smoke, i smile,i laugh at myself. I remember why i love this song so much and watching the scene from the movie makes me all the much more merrier. We always listen to and always have listened to a lot of Dorris day and this song on road trips with my grandparents. They don't have a cd player so I always make them rewind or turn over at the right place and i sing with expression from beginning to end, I have done so tonight at least 6 times and it makes me fell happy. HIGH.


smoking my cigarette, surely the moments over and my dog comes out and she wants attention and i start singing " I know a dark secluded place, a place where no one knows your face" her little eyes light up and her tail starts waggling and she know whats coming, and I get louder and i fly to my feet and I'm on my toes and there we are outside with all the neighbours insight (i didn't realise they were outside at first) and we danced and we sang and i just couldn't stop. even the words actually mean different things to me at different times of my life. When i used to listen to it at the back of the car I imagined rocks and caves and beautiful woman, but I like this, its fun.


Most of this was written singing, in the tune of this song, Its not for everyone , It's definitely for me and I appreciate where it takes me.... where no one cares how late it gets...




(PS: i went out of my space at night, I don't do this, she is like a figment of every wild imagination I have ever dreamed up-beautiful, words are probably important to-I will do this more often)  Quiero hacer el amor contigo ?

migrane

and it persists and it grows and it takes me in. 

It one of those where I fall to my dark room with my cold wet face cloth on my hot skin, my forehead, its no longer cold, I come out of my room and the lights are on and i feel like I'm looking directly head on into the brights of a care, point blank. And i am nauseous and I break to make an entry because I made a promise to myself, a purge.

i have to lie down I have to sleep, it haunts me and its twisted I feel tortured by pain, 
its an effect from feelings, 
a rush of many,too many,I'd rather not say. I remember being violently ill when I had these bloody migraines as a child, the midnight cries, now i have grown to walk with them I am no longer weak, just tired and aware but still they persist and this one comes in volume, i feel weak and there she was she, came, she went she couldn't stay. I have to take care now, dampen my cloth, lay in my bed and try at least try to sleep, even a rest.

it's in the post

Hi, It;s me, I am unavailable right now...


To be lured in, entrapped,captured,charmed,webbed,manipulated, enticed, conquered,occupied,caught up in or with, bewitched even.
If I have left anything out feel free to leave a message after the, beep beep dead tone and I will be sure to listen.


"The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use the words."

"Behind every damsel is a fire breathing dragon"

sleepwalker

I have missed my weekly Sunday lunch for so long which means something has been missing in me, today I made Sunday a Sunday again...


As I too my 70 minute journey all along the coast , the driver became the dreamer once again. As I pushed in the clutch softly and changed the gear sliding my hands slowly, I was moved with the control I had on the acceleration, I was moved to a new feeling. The blurred sea aside me and the dunes ahead, I could see.


I felt a calling again, a yearning, a place from my insides traveling above me by air balloon, there I was dangling a rope, "come on already, what are you waiting for" and up I went, I travelled with my thoughts of what if and whens and hows and ways, wheres , i decided to put the "if only's" in a black box in the boot of my car, far far away from my hot air ride.


Through imagery of fisherman and seagulls, baron houses stood still but fallen, crashed cars and fears of the normal "almost high jacking incident" , pastures of I'm in Kenya, no Vietnam, I'm swimming free, to boyes drive where I'm awakened and pulled back by cyclists who hog the road. Let me tell you something about cyclists , I can not stand them, sure ride on your bicycles, but please one behind the other, not two by two on boyes drive, by the time it was my turn to get next to them I let them know all about it. This I don not normally do, it depends on my mood really and they were being cheeky, racing each other up a hill side by side, i wasn't letting that go, I put that hand of mine on my horn,and played a little melody that went something like this : get off the fucking road... In turn they gave me the finger so I politely slowed don my car, almost to a stand still waited patiently for them to catch up and returned the favour, the on my way I went. Only to meet them at the traffic light down the hill again, where they just laughed and off we went.


The surprise: 


I arrived at my grandparent and all of us were wearing stripes, it was kinda cute. Something we would probably normally plan for fun, this one was by chance, we sat round that lunch table with Nana's delicious food , our nautical attire munching away---this I have missed, the banter,the laughter,the bitchy comments,the fun,the wit,the love. Anyway before lunch i heard my  om from the lounge, she has a very loud voice,rather she is very loud, "Can you come open you pressie ....." I was kind of like huh "what present?" but as I said it I knew "my sister" and there it was onto of the cabinet, the one we were never allowed to go in when we were small, there was a light glowing round this package" My heart sunk and lept\' I stumbled over the couch and everything else in the way as i grabbed it and tore it open, I smiled, my heart warmed at her/your words "i love you everyday, i think of you with your golden heart.
geographically apart but Love never away. Be your truth,Shine your soul, all you hold All I see you are"
I felt her in the room next to me, beside me , holding me, a huge big fat hug, and I embraced you.This came at a time I have been needing you and here you are,here she was.


This put a kick in my stumble and finally I got off my phone as I had been playing on it for an hour. wait for it- i got this app called , here it is "spin the bottle" ah ha, and I play it adding all the names of the girls/woman I crushes on and watch that bottle spin, I did this for an our--- looser please. Its kind of funny though. Come on it is.


My drive home was subtle, I wound down all the windows so I could breathe in the ocean, I played the cd my sister sent me,twice and sang along to some of the songs (loudly) My dog tried to drive us off the road, I stopped for fags, I got home and looked around and realised, I've got to stop sleepwalking.

it rhymes

the sense in me to fall over my feet
much of the same
untied laces,same clothes on repeat
over named , lame

muttering shades of stale air
see them walk through me
whimpered scowling blare
speak to seek out the snare

drop that face i call, show
crowned the hearted hate grail messenger
daunted pleasantries i throw
to kill a bird , become a stranger, you are my danger
i call

I fall , i leap
i fly to keep
my buried wound to retire
ripped like hey from dirty wire

to loose, a loss, to win, a gain
she leaks , a drop a drip
it plain

instead of me

this is a whole lot of different entries in one: loaded

I'm not sure
What I'm looking for anymore
I just know
That I'm harder to console
I don't see who I'm trying to be
Instead of me
But the key
Is a question of control

Can you say
What you're trying to play anyway
I just pay
While you're breaking all the rules
All the signs that I find
Have been underlined
Devils thrive on the drive
That is fuelled

All this running around
Well it's getting me down
Just give me a pain that I'm used to
I don't need to believe
All the dreams you conceive
You just need to achieve
Something that rings true

There's a hole in your soul
Like an animal
With no conscience
Repentance unknown
Close your eyes
Pay the price for your paradise
Devils feed on the seeds
That are sown
Can't conceal what I feel
What I know is real
No mistaking the faking
I care
With a prayer in the air
I will leave it there
On a note full of hope
Not despair

All this running around
Well it's getting me down
Just give me a pain that I'm used to
I don't need to believe
All the dreams you conceive
You just need to achieve
Something that rings true

"depeche mode"

i miss you...

this video is perfect for where i am today

message revealed

I found myself compelled to making those paper things I used to make all the time at school, I searched everywhere on the Internet trying to place a name to this game and nothing, I cant find anything. It gets me thinking when you don't know what you're searching for how will you ever find it, and this is how I feel.


It came up as I was thinking about all the games we used to play as children, Ta , Jussie and I. Only they were not games they were so real for us. Every character we took on became us or we them. Call it escape call it pleasure but I most definitely call it my safe world, even though some of those games were far from safe. We or I could be anything, anything: from singer to cowboy/girl to platoon leader to anaconda to writer to Australian, to pirate , I was , we were a trip and our trip was unlimited, we were gifted with imagination. our booby traps were colourful, but we would always warn the one of what we were in for.
I remember when we played very magical games in my grandparents garden, the garden turned into magical landscapes and as I sit here typing now I remember monkeys that could fly and soldiers who tried to kill me or take me, I remember castles at the mulberry bush, I remember the swimming pool being a swamp with 2 headed creatures or depending on the game a , other times the pool would be enchanted by a light such as the blue grotto, it would give us life.
These games went on, we rode stallions and unicorns, we bounced instead walked, we wrestled in mud, when we ate mulberries we called it our gummiberry juice and everything became speed motion, we spoke faster,walked faster, circled and fell to the ground, when we climbed trees we climbed into the clouds and lay there for hours just dreaming. When we swam we could breathe under water, we could dive through the air without landing, we could we could I should I can!


Is it okay to miss my past, everyone always tells me to get over it,get on with it,move on. Fuck that, whats wrong with remembering,we have been given memories because its a part of us,its a part of me and I choose not to forget, any of it, nothing- because its me(a part of me) I get live in the now. But should i feel guilty every time i wander to the then just because Ive heard so often don't look back look forward: I SAY FUCK THAT, why cant I do both? And lets not forget instead of everyone always telling me to look forward, right now I'm looking down and quite frankly I would rather be here, now if I can, but still look back a little,look forward a little: balance?


Ah the good old balance theory, I often wander how many manage to truly put that into practice. particularly the ones who are demanding your life to you constantly. But balance is a wonderful concept.


I like looking back into my childhood safe world, because I was beautiful there,WE we together and strong and things were in a light I don't often feel falling on my face. It sometimes illuminates from the essence of me, but I can only be me if i allow my self to remember who me is!

                                     

                                     

1,2,3 Play with me

1st try, 2nd try(my message revealed)

  3rd try(pis from childhood,message in the picture)

  

4th try: black

                                                                      

cry

weeping and making sad sounds

an inarticulate utterance of distress, rage or pain

To utter inarticulate sounds, as animals.

i have no words today-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

take me home

Play this song whilst going through this entry:

Create a MySpace Music Playlist at MixPod.com

I drove along the highway, oblivious of what was passing me by. I know it was traffic hour but I was lost. The soundtrack from Requiem for a dream droned out all the sound. It was a form of tunnel vision, but not really that's just how I felt. My eyes became my camera. I felt a sensational type of high.

The cement barricade lit orange by my side, it seemed i was in a buggy on the moon, floating , no gravity one moment to moving like a flutter in your eye, the speed of light. The Sun was saying goodbye, so the colours were changing, as the shades went from blue hue to faint orange, deep vamp red to dull brown, there were pieces of luminance falling on every object in my view, I saw beauty in every single living and every single dead thing, as shape for structure shape, tree,, person even cars were lit by brown orange.

The orchestral sound moving through me I admired the plane rising higher into the sky,I smiled but felt sad. I looked at my self in the review mirror, i looked in to me and felt empty but then I saw the light. my eyes started to work like a shutter and I Ive always been true to "we are our own cameras" but that said I naturally picked up my phone and just started to collect the way I was feeling, to capture what I could not say. My ride home was a dangerous one, not being focused on the actual driving part,almost found myself roof on the floor by the side of the road a few times, I was lost in my sad music camera, where I keep my emotions,that make sense to only me... Here I free a little part of that vault.

I know how I felt as I drove as I drive now, I am sullen and vaguely lost. i don't know what its like to have "lookerafterers" I miss you:me
My heart is swollen and forlorn so I take a drive within and capture freckle's of light and let them sing to me as I remember not to shout down by the side of my "cry me a river" I build a raft with my light and let it rescue me. "I don't need rescuing, I need respect!"

I share with you a part of my process of being driven by colour and carried by shutters that sync with me as I drive (i got home somehow after all):->

I was thinking amongst my array of many many colorful thoughts, some jaded some fanatical some pure and some wonderful, that I think when I once said I have only loved once, I stand to correct myself, I have loved a few times , each time has just been different.

some visiuals to follow, some as I was driving today and the others that follow I chose to show as It goes with how I am at present, the space I am in, how I relate to... my soul

I share with you a part of my process of being driven by colour and carried by shutters that sync with me as I drive (i got home somehow after all):->

Take a listen to my soul: