celebrating flaws

It is possible to be so alike but so very different. I find this with my dad and myself. I cant say we have the 'perfect' relationship. I cant say that things between us are always 'smooth' I cant say that we 'understand' one another, I cant say a lot of things. I can say I feel loved but harmed at the same time, I just cant seem to shake the concept that he does not in any way, will never see me. I don't know if I am merely super sensitive but I know what I feel and it is painful. I can spend a life time wanting,wishing,needing but I can say that Will never happen, I can say I will have to find a way to accept that,I can say I am trying, I can say no matter what I'm told that is not necessarily true , That I do love him even if at times to love ,even though it scrapes my insides they way one would key a car in anger and desperation to hold on to what can not be held on to. I can say I cant pretend that everything is okay just because I had one session with my 'daddy' and my therapist. No I cant, yes I can. i cant help but wish things were different, I cant say even though I am told that I will never get anywhere in life because I am an extremist with emotions. I don't know what to say? I don't know what to say when I am rejected for my mental illnesses, when I am told Its my imagination, that I need to get up and move on. I cant say its easy hearing that. I can say how I honestly feel even though it is expected of me to feel happy and amazing and as if everything is perfect. There is no such thing as perfect unless perfect is imperfection. I sometimes fall into that mode of wanting to be prefect for others so they will love me. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. But as I said earlier I know how I feel and right now I feel guilty to express how I feel. In fear I will be rejected because I don't feel this way or that way. I feel raw. I am hurt,I feel misunderstood I even feel hopeless. i say these things here and with every word I type, I think 'everyone' is going to think theres something wrong with me, that I am choosing to be negative,That I am choosing to cry, That I am choosing not to get up and go. I can not pretend. Don't get me wrong I have inside a hope that lingers, a need to be alive, a want to be recognised, a belief in myself even though everything may be useless I know that part is what keeps me 'going', keeps me clean, keeps me semi sane, keeps me doing the right thing even though others my not see it. I say it,I feel it I know it and I cant  be inward, I cant fall anymore, I would rather fly through clouds and play with carebears. It's hard for me to think 'normally' its not me. I'm not sure if I think in black and white and if I do its hard to accept, because that's boring, but that is partly what makes me who I am.

No matter what I hear even though it dips my being and i take things so very personally. If I was asked my a magic fairy "what do you want to change about your personality" I would say "nothing!" I want to be emotional,I want to feel.... I'm imperfectly perfect--so to speak-- I am happy with my imperfections (well I'm not always happy) but I don't want to change that when I love I love with everything and more, when i hurt i feel it shot through my soul, when i fall, i let myself fall hard and then i get to pick myself up again. I have anger issues and slight arrogance,i can be impulsive and naughty,i can be vengeful and and and, all I'm saying is who would I be without my good without my bad. I don't know? do you?

Yes I don't always accept things. Today I'm fighting am I bipolar, mmm yes no , possibly not, of course I am , I was in the Psyche ward just... I feel the mania, i live the depression, I go up, I go down and personally it is hard to tolerate. Then I say "no you cant be borderline' I find myself researching for hours,taking tests, doing everything I already know BUT because my dad may not believe it, I find myself trying to prove that maybe he is right. He is not, I know but I cant force him too. Life.

I'm okay with my "labels", Not always. What I mean is I wouldn't be me without them. Perfectly flawed, with a wink at the side.