I sit here with a headache staring into the sea,pondering. About where to next? Keep bringing myself back to the moment I am in now and now this moment is close to perfect aside for the knocking on the door in my head, thump thump thump as if another heart lives there, is somone trying to get in or get out, this I may know and choose not to answer myself,for with the truth comes action. I calm and feel the warmth of my dog asleep on my lap, her little lifeline in contact with mine. She is calm this eve-the royal blue seam I see her beauty as it is obvious. I hear her speak as she reaches the shore creating a space for voices coming up from the beach, they have been touched by her. I feel her with the help of a breeze that lifts the coldness from her edge(the top of her deep world)
I look over into the sharp light layered by mist,the shores beyond, for once I do not wish to go there as I know what lies behind that light, something dismal, the lurching of my home. I am content to be here in this moment just feeling what is. I will spend too much time later thinking about what is not, so I take now to be at solace with the contact have from me to me with the help of her- the sea, the sea being mor then just that as it connect both to the sky and the land-- oh I ask you to take me and ground me-- I am close enough to bleakness to understand what's beyond to know what is safe and cling.
As I tried to get my spaniel into the water today,she did not trust the process, she not only held herself close to me she clawed herself onto me (leaving scratches from shoulders to elbow,from breasts to just below my belly button) she clung to what she trusted, but once I set her free, instinctively she new what to do and she swam beautifully til she reached the shore.
The point is that's how I feel sometimes, I do not want to get in to the water as I don't trust it will protect me, I cling on to what may be healthy or un healthy, I cling on to it as it is what I think I know and finally when I'm pushed off, I am strong and instinctively know how to protect me and then I swim to shore again, never knowing what will be next--
Will I be thrown in, will I fall, or will I swim.
Okay so this entry is a little corny but is that okay,does it matter if its okay when I know it is me.
So will it be crawl,walk,run,swim,fly or just standstill--- what's the in between, what's the beginning and there is no end not until death, does that make it all in between--
Its just now
PS: I just asked the book of answers (its a little book and you hold it in your hand and ask a question, you then open the page that feels right to you and there's the answer)
1) Q: Where am I going with my life?
A: Reconsider your approach.
2 Q: Will things get better?
A:Considor it an oppertunity.
3) Q: Will I find love?
A:Follow through with your good intentions.
4) Q: Is " " attracted to me?
A: focus on your home life.
5) Q: will I have sex soon?
A: You will get the final word
6) Q: Will I ever.....
A: DONT BET ON IT
and it can go on for hours. But as I said before, right now its just now.
I look over into the sharp light layered by mist,the shores beyond, for once I do not wish to go there as I know what lies behind that light, something dismal, the lurching of my home. I am content to be here in this moment just feeling what is. I will spend too much time later thinking about what is not, so I take now to be at solace with the contact have from me to me with the help of her- the sea, the sea being mor then just that as it connect both to the sky and the land-- oh I ask you to take me and ground me-- I am close enough to bleakness to understand what's beyond to know what is safe and cling.
As I tried to get my spaniel into the water today,she did not trust the process, she not only held herself close to me she clawed herself onto me (leaving scratches from shoulders to elbow,from breasts to just below my belly button) she clung to what she trusted, but once I set her free, instinctively she new what to do and she swam beautifully til she reached the shore.
The point is that's how I feel sometimes, I do not want to get in to the water as I don't trust it will protect me, I cling on to what may be healthy or un healthy, I cling on to it as it is what I think I know and finally when I'm pushed off, I am strong and instinctively know how to protect me and then I swim to shore again, never knowing what will be next--
Will I be thrown in, will I fall, or will I swim.
Okay so this entry is a little corny but is that okay,does it matter if its okay when I know it is me.
So will it be crawl,walk,run,swim,fly or just standstill--- what's the in between, what's the beginning and there is no end not until death, does that make it all in between--
Its just now
PS: I just asked the book of answers (its a little book and you hold it in your hand and ask a question, you then open the page that feels right to you and there's the answer)
1) Q: Where am I going with my life?
A: Reconsider your approach.
2 Q: Will things get better?
A:Considor it an oppertunity.
3) Q: Will I find love?
A:Follow through with your good intentions.
4) Q: Is " " attracted to me?
A: focus on your home life.
5) Q: will I have sex soon?
A: You will get the final word
6) Q: Will I ever.....
A: DONT BET ON IT
and it can go on for hours. But as I said before, right now its just now.
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