You know I have not being making entries for a while now. My reasoning is pretty ridiculous. Along with "Don't feel like it" or "whats the point" I have felt intimidated to lay it down as it is for me. Intimidated by what are people going to think if I tell the truth and the truth is I have been really depressed. I suppose its easy to say now because my mood has lifted. But
Yes i haven't wanted to show me, that's exactly when I should because putting it down here helps me in some way, I find it comforting. I have refrained for reasons such as I don't want to disappoint anyone who may read this (as in my direct loved ones) I dont want to sound negative or like Im harping on "feeling sorry for myself"
Stop beating round the bush Carey!
This is how its been. I have been feeling incredibly depressed and oh so very lonely. So lonely. I dont like myself anymore, I am bored with myself, I feel boring,bored to tears. There were many tears last week, my face saw more of my hand then anything else (hand in face weeping) I was on the verge of a lot of things. I thought about using,I thought about cutting, I thought I would be better off dead for a brief second. Im GLAD I am not! Im very much alive.
You know this is me, Im the person who makes mixed "tapes" for my therapist. Im the person who decorates christmas trees with strangers. Im the person who hides at home and find it hard to find an out. Im the person who dreams impossible dreams and believes they are possible. Im the person who cries and thinks of the worst but gets over it.Im the person who cries for my mommy when Im scared.Im the person who loves easily,sometimes even a shop attendant who smiles at me.Im that person who hates myself when Im lonely.Im that person who loves myself when I am not. Im the person who wants more who wants less. I am me and there is more but I m not going to hide from you / me anymore I need this space where I can be real. FOR REAL YA'LL.
see with me it can be tricky, I felt like that last week and right now I am on the total opposite of the spectrum that I almost forget there is a sadness in me that is screaming to be nurtured as in nurture me.
Anyway my day today was beautiful, I had the honor of sourcing and buying millions of christmas trees,decorations and anything christmas. I did this for some extraordinary kids. One family is Jewish and has never celebrated Christmas, the excitement in there eyes as i laId everything out, They had the tree up before I finished my cigarette. The bustle, the love. The other family half Greek half Italian knew al about an over the to christmas which I refer ed to as "now you guys really do christmas" It was a dream, my dream, to go all out and I got to go unlimited all out.
I go all out on most things but this was like my kind of candy,this is an amazing start to my week of christmas.
I need to take my meds now,get some sleep now but I leave with saying, The ups are definitely worth working through the downs.
Yes i haven't wanted to show me, that's exactly when I should because putting it down here helps me in some way, I find it comforting. I have refrained for reasons such as I don't want to disappoint anyone who may read this (as in my direct loved ones) I dont want to sound negative or like Im harping on "feeling sorry for myself"
Stop beating round the bush Carey!
This is how its been. I have been feeling incredibly depressed and oh so very lonely. So lonely. I dont like myself anymore, I am bored with myself, I feel boring,bored to tears. There were many tears last week, my face saw more of my hand then anything else (hand in face weeping) I was on the verge of a lot of things. I thought about using,I thought about cutting, I thought I would be better off dead for a brief second. Im GLAD I am not! Im very much alive.
You know this is me, Im the person who makes mixed "tapes" for my therapist. Im the person who decorates christmas trees with strangers. Im the person who hides at home and find it hard to find an out. Im the person who dreams impossible dreams and believes they are possible. Im the person who cries and thinks of the worst but gets over it.Im the person who cries for my mommy when Im scared.Im the person who loves easily,sometimes even a shop attendant who smiles at me.Im that person who hates myself when Im lonely.Im that person who loves myself when I am not. Im the person who wants more who wants less. I am me and there is more but I m not going to hide from you / me anymore I need this space where I can be real. FOR REAL YA'LL.
see with me it can be tricky, I felt like that last week and right now I am on the total opposite of the spectrum that I almost forget there is a sadness in me that is screaming to be nurtured as in nurture me.
Anyway my day today was beautiful, I had the honor of sourcing and buying millions of christmas trees,decorations and anything christmas. I did this for some extraordinary kids. One family is Jewish and has never celebrated Christmas, the excitement in there eyes as i laId everything out, They had the tree up before I finished my cigarette. The bustle, the love. The other family half Greek half Italian knew al about an over the to christmas which I refer ed to as "now you guys really do christmas" It was a dream, my dream, to go all out and I got to go unlimited all out.
I go all out on most things but this was like my kind of candy,this is an amazing start to my week of christmas.
I need to take my meds now,get some sleep now but I leave with saying, The ups are definitely worth working through the downs.
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