At first light my eyes were heavy as the house alarm was set off. Surprisingly I did not react at all. My limp hand reached to the bedside table, knocking off my glass of water my dog growling, my hand feeling blindly for the remote to switch off the muffled alarm. I must of found it as it stopped and we both fell to sleep. The second time it went off was the total opposite reaction, first Phoenix started barking hysterically at the deafening siren filtering the house and draining my ears. I shot out of bed, my heart beating as if it were pumped with speed.
I was still under my duvet. Funny how I feel safe if hidden under my duvet as if there were an intruder it would be some magical banner. I took the remote and switched it off. I lay very still listening for any disturbance and there was in garage, noise a fall. I pressed the alarm back on and let it scream. It was light,muffled light, dawn,daybreak, 5am!!
I texted my dad but no response, so I switched the alarm off and tried to convince myself it must be a short. I sat at the edge of my bed, terrified going through every possible reason and there was the noise again, fuck it I pressed panic again as I was panicked and very scared.
Unfortunately my personal boundaries have been crossed in violation one to many times and It has left deep deep very real scaring: basically I'm paranoid at times. I find it hard to trust that I am safe,I feel a need to protect and to be very care full. I sometimes wish it were different because I do not always enjoy looking over my shoulder, analysing every sound before I fall asleep and an alarm going off well that sends my fear through the roof.
I called my dad and I was told it's nothing. That did not help so I decided to get brave and open the door to the balcony. I figured it had to be set off in the garage as there was no one or nothing in the house. Thankfully as I opened the door my neighbour came outside and waved at me, "your garage door is open" he waited for me to come out. I was sceptical about unlocking the door to the garage as I couldn't understand why the door would be open and how, I check every night before I go to sleep. Sometimes I check 3 times. so with my dad on the phone I barged through the door making ridiculous loud moans and grunts. Phoenix ran right past me barking her little head off.
Shit, shes out. Not only am I in my PJ's without a bra on , I have to have a conversation with my neighbour in a dazed way. His eyes were on my free breasts the entire conversation. I didn't wake him, hes going to the airport to fetch his son, his history about being from England, his worry for me re the alarm all the while I m trying to find my fucking dog. 20 minutes later I'm running round the neighbourhood in my freaking pajamas at 5:15am. FUN.
I think this set the tone for my day. Firstly I cant even remember if I took my morning meds. I have been up and down all day. I get home I sit for 20minutes I come up with and idea and I'm in my car on a mission. Finally I settle in at 7pm or so I think and before I know it I'm outside a mall at 8:30 having a cigarette people watching then getting food (duh the reason I went there-wake up)
Today I have been driven by an uncontrollable force in me, I keep driving.
This following music video has not only been my soundtrack today but it can help you understand at the pace of what I am, the mood,the movement, the rush, the excitement---- I must add thee was disappointment when I couldn't get a certain project of mine quite right. That is another really ridiculous experience I will save.
I was still under my duvet. Funny how I feel safe if hidden under my duvet as if there were an intruder it would be some magical banner. I took the remote and switched it off. I lay very still listening for any disturbance and there was in garage, noise a fall. I pressed the alarm back on and let it scream. It was light,muffled light, dawn,daybreak, 5am!!
I texted my dad but no response, so I switched the alarm off and tried to convince myself it must be a short. I sat at the edge of my bed, terrified going through every possible reason and there was the noise again, fuck it I pressed panic again as I was panicked and very scared.
Unfortunately my personal boundaries have been crossed in violation one to many times and It has left deep deep very real scaring: basically I'm paranoid at times. I find it hard to trust that I am safe,I feel a need to protect and to be very care full. I sometimes wish it were different because I do not always enjoy looking over my shoulder, analysing every sound before I fall asleep and an alarm going off well that sends my fear through the roof.
I called my dad and I was told it's nothing. That did not help so I decided to get brave and open the door to the balcony. I figured it had to be set off in the garage as there was no one or nothing in the house. Thankfully as I opened the door my neighbour came outside and waved at me, "your garage door is open" he waited for me to come out. I was sceptical about unlocking the door to the garage as I couldn't understand why the door would be open and how, I check every night before I go to sleep. Sometimes I check 3 times. so with my dad on the phone I barged through the door making ridiculous loud moans and grunts. Phoenix ran right past me barking her little head off.
Shit, shes out. Not only am I in my PJ's without a bra on , I have to have a conversation with my neighbour in a dazed way. His eyes were on my free breasts the entire conversation. I didn't wake him, hes going to the airport to fetch his son, his history about being from England, his worry for me re the alarm all the while I m trying to find my fucking dog. 20 minutes later I'm running round the neighbourhood in my freaking pajamas at 5:15am. FUN.
I think this set the tone for my day. Firstly I cant even remember if I took my morning meds. I have been up and down all day. I get home I sit for 20minutes I come up with and idea and I'm in my car on a mission. Finally I settle in at 7pm or so I think and before I know it I'm outside a mall at 8:30 having a cigarette people watching then getting food (duh the reason I went there-wake up)
Today I have been driven by an uncontrollable force in me, I keep driving.
This following music video has not only been my soundtrack today but it can help you understand at the pace of what I am, the mood,the movement, the rush, the excitement---- I must add thee was disappointment when I couldn't get a certain project of mine quite right. That is another really ridiculous experience I will save.
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