My mood has been kind of all over the place. At one moment I'm all chipper and the next slightly sombre to totally out of the box. I cant sit still. I have very little concentration. for example, I am seated for not even 3 minutes and then I will jolt up and pace round the house, talking rapidly about why this why that? It could be like this. I have also been drawn to finding answers today? What is to come of me, what can I do differently how can I make sure I am my own life or my life is my own.
Oh how many things I come up with and how very confusing to choose. I have many ideas but not so many conclusions. Just one would be great.
So I have decided to try, yes I repeat try to focus on one little thing at a time. Perhaps it wont bring me immediate freedom but it may just help me find my way. So this week I will focus on designing some prints that were asked of me. Why not take images play with images and see them beautifully printed. I may not be paid today but someday I hope to be seen.
You see I am tired of been treated like a child and if people continue to treat me like that it makes it all the much harder to act like an adult, what I need to work on from me, is not allow people to affect my every single emotion. So as hard as it is for me a boundary needs to be put on place.
To trust in my process I can not give myself permission to use, I can not continue to ask permission from others to live and mainly I need to believe in that voice calling me, that hand tugging at my sleeve...I not only need, I have to listen carefully to what I am really saying to myself,what I am really asking for, where I really want to go and then I have to trust that I am enough, worthy enough,trustworthy enough,talented enough beautiful enough, strong enough, I'm just ENOUGH!
Okay, Today I decided to go on a date with myself, I took myself to a movie. Its ridiculous even then I second guessed everything with "but are you sure you want to go?" "YES" was the answer. "Isn't it too much money to spend?", "no more then what you'd spend on drugs Carey" mmm the answer finally being "you need to go to a movie." I did, that what I needed. I needed to be the only one in the cinema watching a movie with me, I needed it because its the first thing I have done for myself in a very long time. To think that a small thing like taking me to see a movie can be so important. Yes its an escape, but its a healthy one. I love that I can go to a movie by myself, I love that I made a decision and I love that it felt good. so now moving to the bigger stuff: Just for today....
So why wouldn't I want to spend an hour and 36minutes watching a hot vampire in leather kick ass, in 3D:
Oh how many things I come up with and how very confusing to choose. I have many ideas but not so many conclusions. Just one would be great.
So I have decided to try, yes I repeat try to focus on one little thing at a time. Perhaps it wont bring me immediate freedom but it may just help me find my way. So this week I will focus on designing some prints that were asked of me. Why not take images play with images and see them beautifully printed. I may not be paid today but someday I hope to be seen.
You see I am tired of been treated like a child and if people continue to treat me like that it makes it all the much harder to act like an adult, what I need to work on from me, is not allow people to affect my every single emotion. So as hard as it is for me a boundary needs to be put on place.
To trust in my process I can not give myself permission to use, I can not continue to ask permission from others to live and mainly I need to believe in that voice calling me, that hand tugging at my sleeve...I not only need, I have to listen carefully to what I am really saying to myself,what I am really asking for, where I really want to go and then I have to trust that I am enough, worthy enough,trustworthy enough,talented enough beautiful enough, strong enough, I'm just ENOUGH!
Okay, Today I decided to go on a date with myself, I took myself to a movie. Its ridiculous even then I second guessed everything with "but are you sure you want to go?" "YES" was the answer. "Isn't it too much money to spend?", "no more then what you'd spend on drugs Carey" mmm the answer finally being "you need to go to a movie." I did, that what I needed. I needed to be the only one in the cinema watching a movie with me, I needed it because its the first thing I have done for myself in a very long time. To think that a small thing like taking me to see a movie can be so important. Yes its an escape, but its a healthy one. I love that I can go to a movie by myself, I love that I made a decision and I love that it felt good. so now moving to the bigger stuff: Just for today....
So why wouldn't I want to spend an hour and 36minutes watching a hot vampire in leather kick ass, in 3D:
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