going to the chapel...

Here is a great way to bring my day to an almost close. Sitting here discussing marriage with my cousin. He is 17 but not 17 as he is more advanced then more then double his age. Having this conversation is very interesting as he is full of facts. 
He reckons that people who think same sex marriage is 'disturbing' people who believe it is harming to 'family values' are bigots. "marriage is about family values, people want to get married to be a family"


Well for me it is quite simple, I don't really see the point of marriage. I think the relationship is important and putting an 'wedding stamp' on it doesn't make it more Superior or less. You can commit and love and be regardless. Okay maybe its easier with marriage for medical,insurance,inheritance and 'joint ' bank accounts, I don't know I'm sure these days some would say "I didn't ask her to civil union me."


Funny as I used to be a hopeless romantic,who believed in the marriage now I'm just a hopeless romantic.. I had a nice little wedding ceremony planned in my head, a few actually. Kids too. But that's another piece of my mind/heart. 


 I don't think I will ever get married, by choice although knowing me I could probably be persuaded:)


I suppose coming from a 'broken' family has also lead me to my firm belief or is it non belief. Sometimes people just say they don't believe in the wedding union because they fear never finding the one. I can find the one without a piece of paper that says we belong together(ownership) I already know we belong together. also just because one is married it does not mean there is less risk you will break up but looking at society today I would say that is pretty clear.


Sure, how beautiful vows on the beach as the sunsets, whisked off to your room and do what you have been doing for years before you are married anyway, but of course it is more pure on this day,"special' Unless you really are a virgin and in that case specially painful" mmm


I'm happy to love and ride into the sunset on our black or white horse, to stop at a chalet on the hill with a breathtaking view, fire going as we make love for an eternity. That's more romantic the saying I do, because you know what I DO.

pain'free'

I have had a really rough day. That could even be an understatement. You see I have been suffering from intense 'migranes' for the past month or more. As in everyday,all day,all night my head seizes to dis"ease"

Naturally I called my psychiatrist trying to find a connection from headache to lithium and it was said that it was possible My body had become toxic due to levels causing migraines/headaches. Well the dose was taken down and the physical pain has not gone, it seems to have worsened.

Yes perhaps it is connected to my emotional stress but I believe this is more, OR maybe the feelings have become toxic for my body. Either way its hard to swallow the effects of my medicine,taking medicine day after day hoping for different results and still feeling shit. Both emotionally and physically.

I am not well. My head is distorted and everything is intense but hazy.

Things would be very different if I didn't have this little heart beat beside me everyday. She can sense when somethings wrong. She follows me around, she licks my head when it is sore, she lays her head on my tummy when I lie down, she cuddles me. She watches me as I sleep, she saves me when I want to end.

Yes I am totally in love with my Phoenix and she truly is my best friend.

im upside down and inside out 

dreams fly

It's becoming impossible for me to live as I do. So far so few. I am so anxious at night being on my own and not only on my own ,alone! I feel like this is always about me and always with an undertone of sadness. I don't mean for it to be this way, I don't welcome it or comfort myself with it.


Obviously I am not sad 24\7 but like I said, honestly always an undertone. I would say it is possibly because i don't know what I am doing, I cant see how to get where I want to be and even I am scared of what I want to be and getting there. Like my mom has always said "life is not easy" I suppose if things were always easy I would never know how beautiful life can be, I would never dream or even be here typing this entry.


My need is to share my experience and I'm beginning to think the reason my entries are on a low is because my experience of late seems to be the same, so I share feeling or lack there of.


I am not sadness, I am me.


Away from the subject i light a little bit of Christmas with you . As children we always loved Christmas, the wholeness of it. It was always made to be of utmost excitement. We started with writing out letters to 'Santa' in November, we would then lay our letters at the chimney where sparrows would swoop down and collect them, carrying the to the 'north pole'. Watching birds fly. On Christmas eve we would watch The snowman, sometimes more then once, Santa would come as we slept, we always slept in our sleeping bags, side by side, with the plan to see him and I'm sure we did. He would eat the cookies and drink the milk leaving us dozens of gifts. It was beautiful. The dream never died for me, I admit it, never died. Sparrows still swoop my messages and fly to.....


I share with you something my sister shared with me, a reminder of my child hood and really this following video is not just about Christmas but about feelings,hopes,expectations,fear and love and maybe more... you decide.

"fortune"

I sit here with a headache staring into the sea,pondering. About where to next? Keep bringing myself back to the moment I am in now and now this moment is close to perfect aside for the knocking on the door in my head, thump thump thump as if another heart lives there, is somone trying to get in or get out, this I may know and choose not to answer myself,for with the truth comes action. I calm and feel the warmth of my dog asleep on my lap, her little lifeline in contact with mine. She is calm this eve-the royal blue seam I see her beauty as it is obvious. I hear her speak as she reaches the shore creating a space for voices coming up from the beach, they have been touched by her. I feel her with the help of a breeze that lifts the coldness from her edge(the top of her deep world)

I look over into the sharp light layered by mist,the shores beyond, for once I do not wish to go there as I know what lies behind that light, something dismal, the lurching of my home. I am content to be here in this moment just feeling what is. I will spend too much time later thinking about what is not, so I take now to be at solace with the contact have from me to me with the help of her- the sea, the sea being mor then just that as it connect both to the sky and the land-- oh I ask you to take me and ground me-- I am close enough to bleakness to understand what's beyond to know what is safe and cling.

As I tried to get my spaniel into the water today,she did not trust the process, she not only held herself close to me she clawed herself onto me (leaving scratches from shoulders to elbow,from breasts to just below my belly button) she clung to what she trusted, but once I set her free, instinctively she new what to do and she swam beautifully til she reached the shore.

The point is that's how I feel sometimes, I do not want to get in to the water as I don't trust it will protect me, I cling on to what may be healthy or un healthy, I cling on to it as it is what I think I know and finally when I'm pushed off, I am strong and instinctively know how to protect me and then I swim to shore again, never knowing what will be next--

Will I be thrown in, will I fall, or will I swim.

Okay so this entry is a little corny but is that okay,does it matter if its okay when I know it is me.

So will it be crawl,walk,run,swim,fly or just standstill--- what's the in between, what's the beginning and there is no end not until death, does that make it all in between--

Its just now
PS: I just asked the book of answers (its a little book and you hold it in your hand and ask a question, you then open the page that feels right to you and there's the answer)

1) Q: Where am I going with my life?
     A: Reconsider your approach.
2 Q: Will things get better?
   A:Considor it an oppertunity.
3) Q: Will I find love?
     A:Follow through with your good intentions.
4) Q: Is "     " attracted to me?
    A: focus on your home life.
5) Q: will I have sex soon?
    A: You will get the final word
6) Q: Will I ever.....
     A: DONT BET ON IT


and it can go on for hours. But as I said before, right now its just now.

how long does it take

TIRED

rushing

I don't know how I end up doing half the things I end up doing sometimes. Generally I enjoy it. Today has been one of those days where I feel a rush. I have been everywhere and nowhere at the same time. My best was this evening, this night. I ran out of electricity and it may or may not have something to do with the very many Christmas lights I have as a scene scape cascaded everywhere in my house. There is nothing better then light. I also have ones that sing. Well of course I do. If you want to meet a christmas freak "halo here I am." I just love it. I sometimes wish I could have kids. I always have. Not only to share my holiday craziness, I just think I would be a great mom an eccentric mom but amazing. off subject there although its funny I got into a conversation with a very beautiful girl today she asked me if I was going to have a test tube baby. "mmmm, I think I should find a girlfriend first" she cant understand why I dont have one, weird I suppose. It would be nice to share this with this "girlfriend" and moving on.

Electricity ran out and I found myself at the mall again at 8:15, I decided at a limb I had to go see the christmas lights in town as I have not done that yet and it is one of my favourite things to do, Im just doing this on my lonesome.

The lone ranger rode forth to the lights and there was a surprise for her, a festival, a christmas festival=SOLD! I loved it, i roamed around , loud music, people, flashing things, Chinese junk, as if I need anymore, fireworks, Its funny or really cool that as I 'rode' when I saw the lights in the distance my heart fluttered, I smiled and started giggling at myself for being so ridiculously child like.
Oh man to be out after dark,dancing in the streets to really bad christmas carol dance music. What more could I ask for, oh yes theres that. I need to get out. I really do. Im becoming a little dangerous on my own, I need to share myself, give myself, be with others as myself. Dont get me wrong I had fun but I need some people already.
So The last week has been a christmas mania, from decorating my grandparents tree to decorating with kids, to my own....

ITS UP

You know I have not being making entries for a while now. My reasoning is pretty ridiculous. Along with "Don't feel like it" or "whats the point" I have felt intimidated to lay it down as it is for me. Intimidated by what are people going to think if I tell the truth and the truth is I have been really depressed. I suppose its easy to say now because my mood has lifted. But
Yes i haven't wanted to show me, that's exactly when I should because putting it down here helps me in some way, I find it comforting. I have refrained for reasons such as I don't want to disappoint anyone who may read this (as in my direct loved ones) I dont want to sound negative or like Im harping on "feeling sorry for myself"

Stop beating round the bush Carey!

This is how its been. I have been feeling incredibly depressed and oh so very lonely. So lonely. I dont like myself anymore, I am bored with myself, I feel boring,bored to tears. There were many tears last week, my face saw more of my hand then anything else (hand in face weeping) I was on the verge of a lot of things. I thought about using,I thought about cutting, I thought I would be better off dead for a brief second. Im GLAD I am not! Im very much alive.

You know this is me, Im the person who makes mixed "tapes" for my therapist. Im the person who decorates christmas trees with strangers. Im the person who hides at home and find it hard to find an out. Im the person who dreams impossible dreams and believes they are possible. Im the person who cries and thinks of the worst but gets over it.Im the person who cries for my mommy when Im scared.Im the person who loves easily,sometimes even a shop attendant who smiles at me.Im that person who hates myself when Im lonely.Im that person who loves myself when I am not. Im the person who wants more who wants less. I am me and there is more but I m not going to hide from you / me anymore I need this space where I can be real. FOR REAL YA'LL.

see with me it can be tricky, I felt like that last week and right now I am on the total opposite of the spectrum that I almost forget there is a sadness in me that is screaming to be nurtured as in nurture me.

Anyway my day today was beautiful, I had the honor of sourcing and buying millions of christmas trees,decorations and anything christmas. I did this for some extraordinary kids. One family is Jewish and has never celebrated Christmas, the excitement in there eyes as i laId everything out, They had the tree up before I finished my cigarette. The bustle, the love. The other family half Greek half Italian knew al about an over the to christmas which I refer ed to as "now you guys really do christmas" It was a dream, my dream, to go all out and I got to go unlimited all out.

I go all out on most things but this was like my kind of candy,this is an amazing start to my week of christmas.

I need to take my meds now,get some sleep now but I leave with saying, The ups are definitely worth working through the downs.

low ho

I disappoint myself when I reach this blog and I have nothing to say. To be bluntly honest with myself I can finally and openly admit that I am feeling painstakingly lonely. I don't particularly enjoy living so far away from everyone. I would like more then anything to just pop over to my mom right now. I'm not liking my company at the moment. Sure I have this beautiful little heartbeat by my side, I wander if she can still feel mine as it is barely beating.

"oh but it beats, it beats with a longing"

I have at least a Christmas wish from these 2 heartbeats to you...

early to bed early to rise

I honestly can not remember the last time I let myself soak in a bath. I always have every excuse "there's no time, i need to be somewhere" or just the normal "showering is so much easier. I almost forgot the concept of bathing. Now is it really just about cleaning yourself. "I think not"
It has been 8 or more months since I relaxed in some calming water held by the tub, holding me.

I believe i just spoilt myself. I allowed myself to run a warm bath (hot, I like it hot) relaxing my migraine away. I massaged my feet and let the soap wash away my little nags. I like the feeling of going under the water, where all sounds are muffled. I imagine I live in an underwater land. I like the numbing but calming sounds and the water levels touching my skin, therapeutically. For fun I sometimes rock the water as if I were in a boat on a still lake, to create "waves"I could be anywhere. When I get out I normally stand under a cold shower, that hot cold soothes me and rustles my mood. This time I just splashed my face a little to remind me I am not floating in water in a secluded place, I am here in the now, relaxed in my home and ready for bed at 8:30pm

Why not, I'm going to bed early, that what I feel for. Sleep, much needed sleep. I row my boat merrily from my calm to my tranquil.

I suggest for anyone who is uneasy, to soak it away-- even if it is just temporary, that standstill is peaceful enough to carry you for a while (carefully,peacefully)

good night

(dillydally)

I have been carrying a migraine for 2 days. Ive drank at least two gallons of water,slept and popped so many pills I'm surprised I can still see through these eyes,think with this mind and type with these hands (all mine) I've just had my first fight with the neighbours, well more like me  shouting profanity at the top of my voice hoping they will hear me, talking to my dog, telling her "You see Phoenix , you should be happy you re not a person" all because they could not walk 5 steps to my door to let me know that the blinking light outside my house is bothering them. No instead they go to management of the estate, put in an official complaint and send in the 'big guns' So my raised voice went something like this "what the fuck is wring with you fucking people cant you walk 5 fucking steps and ask me nicely what the fuck is going on with my fucking light, fine I will electrocute my fucking self because you all a bunch of fucking dicks! fuck all of you! You messing with the wrong fucking girl. I have fucking mental problems , so bring it on bitches, welcome to the fucking neighbourhood, Phoenix this is why people are so fucked up because they don't know how to be nice, fuccccccccccccccck"


So an over reaction? somewhat? 


The thing is I am having so many niggling little issues and I hold it in and I hold it in and then something this small just pushes me over the edge. I should learn not to but Its truly uncontrollable. I am really sensitive and I am so 'nice' I take it very personally. I wish I could be less sensitive. I think it comes down to the fact that I am living in the wrong city, amongst the wrong people, where's my space,my choice? It's like playing go fish.


Anyway, I'm enjoying my Christmas gift process, it keeps me grounded and I float with beautiful ideas,Giving is a blessing so is receiving. I've always found it so hard to receive, I get all funny,shy and weird. but it works both ways if you can receive you should be able to give and if you can give you should allow yourself to receive. I don't get these people who sit at Christmas and receive receive receive and have absolute no guilt that they are not giving in return. I mean you don't have to spend money , use your imagination why don't you, we all have one.


This link below has put a huge smile on my face. So I put it here for two reasons, it makes me smile and well what does it make you do? smile,get sick,laugh,sing along,dance along, wanna do the locomotion with me? :____) 


the lip sync is freaking hilarious (well its all pretty funny) 




                                         

what is what

Im slacking a bit here in this space. The reason is surely noble. No. It's just that I am not entirely myself. Im not entirely here nor there, I suppose I am everywhere. I have a million things going on and nothing at the same time.


Putting words down make no sense to me. What is sense? "Behind their lively,searching eyes one senses a doubting,a contemplative personality,always trying to make sense out of a puzzling world"
That makes sense, no?yes.


Im already gone, elsewhere, wandering down the road into the moonlight. I hope to be back soon...
Im getting dressed now,going out just for a while. I was dressed an hour ago then I changed again decided I was staying in. Cant make up my mind. Can I? I think of you, you know. Always thinking of you, thinking of me.


How to undo this. Why undo it. Whats to be undone when whats done is done. See I not making much sense at all. Too many pills running through my blood rushing to my head making me feel "tipsy" According to my father if I exercise more I wont need medication at all! sure dad mental illness cure just in "tkae a walk or go to the gym" Ive never said that exercise is bad for one but how naive one must be to truly believe it is a cure. The talking cure does not exist either. May alliviates or teaches or you find ways to be "healthire" and things are more managable. 


What need do I have for a woman right now (besides sex) I dont think any. Am I lying to myself, am I scared,insecure or am I just dissinterested. Im busy.


But I do miss flesh on flesh and someone to hold and sometimes to be "cradled in some elses arms" the answer is "it does wanders for the moment , loved, secure,cared for,looked after even if its only a minute, for someone like me that minute will carry for weeks" alas , It is not there nor here, possibly somewhere with the man in the full moon.


Merry christmas very soon and not soon enough. Not enough time to complete my ideas for gift , too much time to be with those I love most. Time, what is time? "Time shall unfold what plighted cunning hides:

Who cover faults, at last shame them derides." 

This is absurd. I heard a thump outside, my doors are always open until I hear something that is. I sprung up slammed the door closed and shouted for my dog to come downstairs. She did not so up I ran panick buttong under my thumb, I picked her up and brought her down, set her on her security rounds. Nothing she came bag but then she saw something and started barking. i am now scared. Fear: No I believe this is a phobia.

I calm myself down and return to the seated butterlies stagnent, open release....

im off on an adventure.

Nah Neh Nah

At first light my eyes were heavy as the house alarm was set off. Surprisingly I did not react at all. My limp hand reached to the bedside table, knocking off my glass of water my dog growling, my hand feeling blindly for the remote to switch off the muffled alarm. I must of found it as it stopped and we both fell to sleep. The second time it went off was the total opposite reaction, first Phoenix started barking hysterically at the deafening siren filtering the house and draining my ears. I shot out of bed, my heart beating as if it were pumped with speed. 


I was still under my duvet. Funny how I feel safe if hidden under my duvet as if there were an intruder it would be some magical banner. I took the remote and switched it off. I lay very still listening for any disturbance and there was in garage, noise a fall. I pressed the alarm back on and let it scream. It was light,muffled light, dawn,daybreak, 5am!! 


I texted my dad but no response, so I switched the alarm off and tried to convince myself it must be a short. I sat at the edge of my bed, terrified going through every possible reason and there was the noise again, fuck it I pressed panic again as I was panicked and very scared. 


Unfortunately my personal boundaries have been crossed in violation one to many times and It has left deep deep very real scaring: basically I'm paranoid at times. I find it hard to trust that I am safe,I feel a need to protect and to be very care full. I sometimes wish it were different because I do not always enjoy looking over my shoulder, analysing every sound before I fall asleep and an alarm going off well that sends my fear through the roof. 


I called my dad and I was told it's nothing. That did not help so I decided to get brave and open the door to the balcony. I figured it had to be set off in the garage as there was no one or nothing in the house. Thankfully as I opened the door my neighbour came outside and waved at me, "your garage door is open" he waited for me to come out. I was sceptical about unlocking the door to the garage as I couldn't understand why the door would be open and how, I check every night before I go to sleep. Sometimes I check 3 times. so with my dad on the phone I barged through the door making ridiculous loud moans and grunts. Phoenix ran right past me barking her little head off. 


Shit, shes out. Not only am I in my PJ's without a bra on , I have to have a conversation with my neighbour in a dazed way. His eyes were on my free breasts the entire conversation. I didn't wake him, hes going to the airport to fetch his son, his history about being from England, his worry for me re the alarm all the while I m trying to find my fucking dog. 20 minutes later I'm running round the neighbourhood in my freaking pajamas at 5:15am. FUN.


I think this set the tone for my day. Firstly I cant even remember if I took my morning meds. I have been up and down all day. I get home I sit for 20minutes I come up with and idea and I'm in my car on a mission. Finally I settle in at 7pm or so I think and before I know it I'm outside a mall at 8:30 having a cigarette people watching then getting food (duh the reason I went there-wake up) 


Today I have been driven by an uncontrollable force in me, I keep driving.


This following music video has not only been my soundtrack today but it can help you understand at the pace of what I am, the mood,the movement, the rush, the excitement---- I must add thee was disappointment when I couldn't get a certain project of mine quite right. That is another really ridiculous experience I will save.

?

Each one of us requires the spur of insecurity to force us to do our best.

The psychic task which a person can and must set for himself is not to feel secure, but to be able to tolerate insecurity

me: Im not sure what I believe about myself anymore. The problem with pretending is that you forget, the problem in forgetting is..... I forgot.
.

Im Alive

The fuck off switch is a dangerous button. Can lead to all sorts of justifications. I thought mine flipped earlier today, my finger hovering over it. The who cares one is equal to the fuck off. The same thing really. Both of those combined are exactly what lead me into rehab 2 and a bit years ago.

I stick to my decision, so fuck it to the fuck off and who cares for the who cares. Not I. Not today.

I am currently very busy working on Christmas gifts. i love every second of making,preparing being in Christmas with my loved ones. i love it all. I'm like a kid with my chocolate calender, my mini tree, my cards on the fridge, my dogs Christmas bandanna, my red jersey. Divine, in me.

So I have no thoughts as I am really into what I am doing at this moment and just want to share that "I'm Alive" quoted from my cousin.

kiss me softly as I fly

I'm in one of those moods where I just don't feel like anything. Motionless and bored. My mind numbs to flights of thought. Every now and then I'm running around doing 'stuff', or I'm on all fours looking for marbles. You would think because they mine I would find them easily.stupid things occur when one is looking down. Things are taken or left behind.


 I dream of being in the waves but y body cant seem to make it to the beach. It's a problem when ones mind is so open, seas come to me, here is the ocean in my garden, here are the alps in my lounge, here sits a girlfriend behind me kissing my neck softly,sweetly. Here is a live band playing for us. I stride through Central park laid in my bedroom. I fly a microlight over a small beach town. I ride a dirt bike through South America, as I chew on coco leaves. I sit in beside my girlfriend in a Maserati on the coast of Monaco. In a battered up land rover with my dog as we go through the Congo(yes the Congo) Here at the feet of my mind and the wrought of my soul. 


Here there is no such thing as money or work or pain, here I dream, whatever I dream is real. I sit amongst clouds with woman waving palm leaves as the take off their clothes (corny I know but why not) I make love all night and eat all day. I feast on feasts at feasts with feasts. I am fed my by my.... Yes you. The affection returned. 


I slowdown, I look up and It;s all vanished. I am here in my lounge, my dog at my feet, my Christmas tree that gives me solace, my TV that I barely watch as I am always busy,busy but bored, I am bored of me. This is boring. My cigarette hangs from my mouth,I am so bored I don't even use my fingers to take a drag,I drag as the ash falls on my lap, unnoticed. The wind sails through the door and falls on my body keeping me cool. If only it could do the same inside.


 I need to move freely but I am locked down. Locked down to expectations,locked  down to life, locked down to judgements, locked down to love, locked down to hate , locked down to sin and guilt, locked down to me. Where is that key, where have I put it, did I hide it somewhere and now I have forgotten where my hiding place is. I hope when I wake I will remember.


 Strange, i need to get in touch with the other woman I left behind. the one who cared not for judgements and locks and pressure and expectations. The one who knew what social really meant, the one who had no need for hiding places or keys, i need to get in touch with that woman. That woman being me. Where are you, reside in me with me,we can always compromise.


I want you.


this is how I feel...

celebrating flaws

It is possible to be so alike but so very different. I find this with my dad and myself. I cant say we have the 'perfect' relationship. I cant say that things between us are always 'smooth' I cant say that we 'understand' one another, I cant say a lot of things. I can say I feel loved but harmed at the same time, I just cant seem to shake the concept that he does not in any way, will never see me. I don't know if I am merely super sensitive but I know what I feel and it is painful. I can spend a life time wanting,wishing,needing but I can say that Will never happen, I can say I will have to find a way to accept that,I can say I am trying, I can say no matter what I'm told that is not necessarily true , That I do love him even if at times to love ,even though it scrapes my insides they way one would key a car in anger and desperation to hold on to what can not be held on to. I can say I cant pretend that everything is okay just because I had one session with my 'daddy' and my therapist. No I cant, yes I can. i cant help but wish things were different, I cant say even though I am told that I will never get anywhere in life because I am an extremist with emotions. I don't know what to say? I don't know what to say when I am rejected for my mental illnesses, when I am told Its my imagination, that I need to get up and move on. I cant say its easy hearing that. I can say how I honestly feel even though it is expected of me to feel happy and amazing and as if everything is perfect. There is no such thing as perfect unless perfect is imperfection. I sometimes fall into that mode of wanting to be prefect for others so they will love me. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. But as I said earlier I know how I feel and right now I feel guilty to express how I feel. In fear I will be rejected because I don't feel this way or that way. I feel raw. I am hurt,I feel misunderstood I even feel hopeless. i say these things here and with every word I type, I think 'everyone' is going to think theres something wrong with me, that I am choosing to be negative,That I am choosing to cry, That I am choosing not to get up and go. I can not pretend. Don't get me wrong I have inside a hope that lingers, a need to be alive, a want to be recognised, a belief in myself even though everything may be useless I know that part is what keeps me 'going', keeps me clean, keeps me semi sane, keeps me doing the right thing even though others my not see it. I say it,I feel it I know it and I cant  be inward, I cant fall anymore, I would rather fly through clouds and play with carebears. It's hard for me to think 'normally' its not me. I'm not sure if I think in black and white and if I do its hard to accept, because that's boring, but that is partly what makes me who I am.

No matter what I hear even though it dips my being and i take things so very personally. If I was asked my a magic fairy "what do you want to change about your personality" I would say "nothing!" I want to be emotional,I want to feel.... I'm imperfectly perfect--so to speak-- I am happy with my imperfections (well I'm not always happy) but I don't want to change that when I love I love with everything and more, when i hurt i feel it shot through my soul, when i fall, i let myself fall hard and then i get to pick myself up again. I have anger issues and slight arrogance,i can be impulsive and naughty,i can be vengeful and and and, all I'm saying is who would I be without my good without my bad. I don't know? do you?

Yes I don't always accept things. Today I'm fighting am I bipolar, mmm yes no , possibly not, of course I am , I was in the Psyche ward just... I feel the mania, i live the depression, I go up, I go down and personally it is hard to tolerate. Then I say "no you cant be borderline' I find myself researching for hours,taking tests, doing everything I already know BUT because my dad may not believe it, I find myself trying to prove that maybe he is right. He is not, I know but I cant force him too. Life.

I'm okay with my "labels", Not always. What I mean is I wouldn't be me without them. Perfectly flawed, with a wink at the side.