is it just rain

Its raining. I have the windows open wide so I can hear it. Smell it. Feel it. I lie back and stare out the window not realizing I would find beauty in a street light. It illuminates the rain you see and for a moment I become one with thousand of drops of water.

To make love in the rain. A thought. A feeling, Perhaps a moment. renowned for my naughty smile. I smile.

I draw myself away from a fixed gaze to the rain, in awe at how all those drops merge together as they hit the ground. Will the water find its way or does it just go unknowingly to ..... Who knows. Yes intellectually there are answers but if to think from heart how would the story end.

I prefer to go with heart today. So I will keep my windows open and dream in the rain.

WAKE UP stupid

fit to fight

I think its been 2 months now. I have been putting this off for so long. I constantly come here and open new post and just stare blankly at the screen.

The reason, sorry one of the many reasons why I have stopped making entries for a few months ago there were along string of events that have in my belief changed my life somewhat. I found myself in very hurtful circumstances where the people involved were very close to me. This is the reason I stopped writing. I could not bring myself to write honestly about some of these events as I did not want to hurt the people involved,. I could not be brutally honest and therefore this blog died If I can not be honest I can not make entries. After all this is all about my raw real me and without that this does not exist and I fail to exist as I would normally.

I have in some ways felt like I have gone through a break up, loss,anger and all that stuff that comes with denial.

I denied myself entry into myself.

I have chosen not to go to my triggers (thankfully I have a therapist-a beautiful one)

So here I am back and semi willing. 2  months later my life is like walking sideways, drop,jump,live or die. I feel like I have been struggling with this Bi-polar cycle since I went to the psyche ward last year. This is some fucking cycle. I have been torn apart, put back together only to be ripped open, again and again and again. I have been both manic and depressed- and let me tell you the combination is threatening. I sit still in a haze behind a fog in my eyes, my heart either beats as fast as a pigs orgasm (or is that as long) whatever it beats and then there are times with in the same hour I can't feel a pulse. I believe this may be the most difficult kind of rapid cycling I have had to maintain. But I suppose it feels like that every time.

I almost took a visit back to the lovely white picket fenced psyche ward just a week ago. I stubbornly declined and sucked it up at home. Luckily I was not alone. I had had support,love and a holding of sorts and I survived the week. I didn't use or relapse, I didn't do a lot of things I wanted to do, so desperately fought off.

This week has not been easy either. In this week in some ways I have felt so much better and in others so so much worse. I felt lonely in my struggle. I kept my heart beating with the love. theres love, everywhere. Sometimes one wants the love from those who just don't give it or just can't and this is something that is hard for me to swallow. Sometimes those who are closest are those who do the most harm, this is something I am used to but never quite used to it at all.

I am so fucking angry. I find ways to relieve myself from that anger. Unfortunately not all of them are conventional or health. I found myself in a place where my feelings were so over whelming, rejection kinda spices up this abundant feelings. Feelings are heightened or they are trampled on, either way they are feelings.

Sometimes I fucking hate them.

BUT clearly i love them to, or I could be far far gone.

Here nor there, me nor you, it,tho,that,then: its all bundled up inside of me. I don't have enough storage for all this stuff anymore. I try to revisit but it is gloomy,I try to throw out but I'm a hoarder of feelings and whats attached to them. Files , files more files, each word with each emotion with each memory and hope. They all attached. These ones specifically are attached to me, or I to them.

All said, I am branched out, rooted out and endlessly connected to everything that is in or out of that cabinet, that resides here, where my head is, my hand is touching my being.

touch.

GP

what?

BORED: run out of any patience for any desire to purge never-ending thoughts.
DONE: with it, that which is no longer close by choice or none.
BUSY: with making cool shit!
WAITING: a miserable , annoying moment where I would rather watch pain dry
LOVE: the feeling I have for too much, overwhelmingly so. BUT mainly I love my dog, endlessly
LOVED: by my -dog,my ex,most of my family,some of my friends,my other ex,my shrink as in therapist as in wet dream ;) and that person too.
SAD: this on judgmental tear that rolls upon my cheek
STAY: I always play the stay play until I go anyway
JEALOUS: an irk in-between that place where it hours and that place where I harm
DEPTH: that place where i go and forget I need to come up and breathe
SIGHT: forever grateful to the gift of how I see
PARK: its a walk
SPACE: too much, too little, never enough, maybe too much
TIME: I still haven't learnt how to time travel and its really working on my nerves
FLIRT: once
CONVERSATION: can you please remember there are more then one involved in this transaction
SUNDAY: grandparents at the sea
TUESDAY: "healing treatment"
TODAY: let down,hurt
TOMORROW: almond croissant
NOW: goodnight

are they flaws if Im in love with them

I would say I am down. Inside out. My body stings and my insides hurt. I don't like life sometimes. I know this could come across as being 'negative' or 'negative thinking' I disagree, its being honest with myself and i can honestly say FUCK.


Its just one one those days where nothing seems to work and yet with every try I smile and I am almost 100% convinced what ever it is I am trying will be good. Will turn into some inspiring lift off to some inspiring mind space. 


Do I really believe that. The answer is No, I do not and I will not pretend that positive self talk and happy thoughts or affirmations of some words applied while looking in the mirror work, keep looking in the mirror and telling yourself that.


But hey who knows , I might wake up tomorrow or even in the middle of the night finding myself in front of the mirror repeating "All my relationships are loving and harmonious" 
Well I think I could say that til I was blue in the face, just stating it as a fact does not make it a fact. And saying it over and over is not going to change it to a fact. I don't even understand how this can be an affirmation, one person can not manifest how a relationship with another works as there are two people in this relationship. Perhaps if we both stood facing each other repeating it, it could possibly work, mmmm but then again it takes work not a sentence.


Perhaps the affirmation for me at this moment should be , "even though I may not always be sane I am a beautiful creative being, who might be bipolar and unaccepted of it at times, I love and accept myself" 


okay--- I haven't had time to turn the music loop off for my last entry so just hit mute when it becomes stifling. 


Oh if only it were that easy for other things.


I am who I am and this is where I am at, This is how I feel and even though I don't like it, I'm okay with it. 
Fire within me!

Afrika Burn from where I fly

I believe a few days ago I said I would share more on Africa Burn, well I also believe not much needs to be said as the pictures below speak for themselves. For those who know me can see that instantly, those who are still learning to know me can probably almost instantly see and those who don't, well see me. For those who have been following me silently, i continue to share more as honestly as I always have, With this entry I welcome myself back to my never ending collection of souvenirs.

In a nutshell , I mentioned my Psychiatrists fears before I left and funnily enough, she was right about the rain(I smile) she was not right about the boredom (it is a little hard to get bored when your mind is traveling in hypo manic spheres and space) she was correct about my sister and I having a fight. She was also right about (and this one I can not believe and say with a smile) Finding drugs right outside my tent. But no I did not use so with that I put her (well me too) at ease.

Other than the fortune telling head Dr, I had a hard tome. Not with being there as everything to me was inspiring, the visual  starkness of the open 'desert' the sound of the kids waking up at 6am. The ride from one beautiful place (galaxies in my mind as I rode through facets of city lights and burning beasts, crawled through rubbles of anthers insecurities, I kept finding myself back within. I could escape in a click of my faulting cameras flash and return just as easy with a grin or a frown upon those humans who are so very dear to me.)

Feeling did not stop here, it could not. Not with the orange filter falling from the sky. Not with the masks that are so naturally worn by the ones. I could not stop feeling as intensely as I do, deeper I go to disappear then struck back to life with a manic flare. 

I found what I was looking for and in so many ways as beautiful as I felt theres , I was left with a sadness of knowing: there is always an end. I guess sometimes I just hold on, for what ever reason it may be, I know it just can't always be me. 

I hold the moment of free meets bold and bold meets dim, then dim meets light and light meets play and when play slows down and a sense of being lonley lives strongly, I find it difficult to balance both worlds or all the worlds and things and people that come and go, I find my feet in being busy and loose my freakish darkness to the bright blaring of that other me, the one i love all to much. 

That all, this is me , you are you and here I share myself with both you and I, me and you. (manic much?)

to be

I thought I was bored of this but I am not. I have just been occupied with this little Hypo mania that kicks in from time to time. Sometimes I really enjoy the rush, thrive on my 'sense of being really busy" sometime i can't stand still but fall and sit and those times I am normally kicked in the gut from an unwanted unseen not so phantom ghost named 'alone' along with my rapid movements, rapid thoughts and rapidly moving dizzy mind, I still feel. I sometimes feel far less and others far far more.

However, moving from subject to subject which has become familiar at this time in my life where I travel from worlds in the walls of my mind, but fly with the openness of my soul.

I know I am so happy being back in Cape Town and 2 years was most certainly 2 years too many. That matters less now, the longer I live here and the more I live. Home is where the heart is. I'm home.

Next subject lies next...

Pleasant Dis interest

So I don't know if its because I'm not in the mood, or if I'm tired or maybe I just feel like I don't have much to say. My days are filled with ideas and out of the box actions. I am constantly making things, scheming to make things. I fail but I also succeed. Its a weird place that I find myself in. I want to share but what do I share when sharing seems dull.

Nothing is dull but some things are boring. I guess when I'm so busy focusing on everything but nothing this is what it equals to: a little of something a little more of none. I have stories to tell but can't find the edge to tell them. Perhaps its about why and where, but I'm staring at the where and the why and still I just don't feel like it.

We can't always feel that vroom, that push that spurt but what do we call it when that drive is within but theres no 'pedal to the metal' arrrg is how it flows, yes no yes o is how it flows.

I don't have much right now.

 preview to a movie of something I find myself fantasizing about a lot, its come up before and even though a small part it plays it plays in me : 'The Gods' I find the concept believable, I like it with all its soap opera shimmer, the drama,the crazy power,love tale saga: it gets me, I get it.

The Gods.

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Immortals - Official Trailer 2 [HD]

By trailers

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not up to date

I have been gone for some time. In a week Ive lost , Ive learned an Ive gained some different perspective on my life, what's in it, what is not and what I dream to be part of my picture.
Apparently its good to draw picture. Some say its good so you have something to work for. I say its good because I can dream.

To dream again. To be again, to be moving swiftly but slowly getting there. Ah theres that time and space. The one I soar through but stay stagnant simultaneously.

I went off to a crazy hectic adventure camping storm of what they call 'Afrika Burn' the minuscule version of 'The burning man' I am not going to get into this now as I am off to bed. I just wanted to come back to a part of what makes my world sweet and put something down on this page.

I share with you a little bit of corny just because I can and I dare you to do as I just found myself doing and it did not take much practice, but if you can strike a pose straight off this video I would say its pretty much a guarantee you will laugh and if you don't I'm sure as you watch it the thought of 'what the fuck' with a giggle could enter your mind frame. I have the poses down, I'm still trying to perfect the hair thingy.
the straight face front don't move a facial muscle (easy)
night

More on Afrika Burn --- soon

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Modern Talking - You're My Heart, You're My Soul

By ModernTalkingVEVO

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Happy Birthday To Me

hearty

fire starter

I am totally lost in what I am doing. I am working. Working is a little bit of a concept to me. I am working as in working towards something, planning to the core and through. I don't think anyone can come near to my extent of planning when it comes to going away.

I have 6 pages of lists for a 5 day trip away. I am certain I will get things for my trip that I don't necessarily need but I like to go fully prepared. From first aid kits to knives to planning around how I will make a fire, what I will cook , will my meat be medium or will it be well done.

Pages and pages of what if this happens then I may need that and so on and so on. So I need to go now, I have a long night in store.

Im planning my trip to Afrika Burns. I need to know how I am going to sleep what I will wear when I sleep, will I be warm enough will I be cool enough. Do I need a fire starter do I need a gas stove. Should I take extra tent pegs, are 2 torches enough, I think I will get lanterns with citronella oil. Yes this goes on and on and I haven't even began my creative process.

So to my new knife, a fire starter (thats cool), tripod chair and much much more

Artemis and Her Bow

This is going to be a shortish entry as I sit here in pain. I might be a grinder. As in grind at night and as a result my jaw, teeth and ears ache. I would almost choose a migraine over this. It is so bloody frustrating. I went to my Psychiatrist today. Oh she makes me laugh, in the way that she doesn't realize she making me laugh. Id say she is very interesting. I informed her that I would be going to Afrika Burn and she absolutely could not understand the concept of this or why I would want to go. 'what if you want to use?" she says, "Ja , because Im going to go all the way to the dessert to do that" , 'what if it rains the whole time and you become bored and because of this you may want to use " Yes because thats what I do when it rains and Im bored" the last one maybe a little more close to home "anger", "what if its raining and you're bored and you have a fight with your sister,then barge out of the tent and the first person you see asks if you want drugs and you use?" Yes because even though I wouldn't do that what are the chances that when I barge out of my tent in fury and rage I will walk straight into someone that will be like "hey!do you want to do drugs, kiff..."

Seriously, come on. This is why I chuckle. You know the woman definitely knows her psychiatric stuff her meds and without a doubt her bipolar but maybe I should take her to a 'rave' as she calls it. I chuckle.

I have been semi depressed lately, its no big secret. She so kindly explained to me what Ive heard before but kind of need to be reminded, that the meds I take are not a cure for Bi Polar but rather just make it easier (in a nut shell) Sometimes I think its shit. Sometimes I don't mind. It is what it is, no?

Yesterday I was standing in the garden , there was a yellow butterfly soaring around until it landed restfully on me and stayed a while,flew off and returned to my shoulder. Immediately my head goes to: this is an omen what does it mean, etc etc SO: Obviously it means transformation(this is good) Also I am going through a life change,emotional,spiritual or physical. (Yes aren't I always) Later in the day as I walked in the park a homeless guy stopped me and called me Jesus, he was convinced that I am intact Jesus Christ.

It got me thinking, mmm Jesus Christ, I don't know about that, If I were to choose from Gods, The Gods or Godeses I would go with Aphrodite, mm yes why not. Then I changed my mind I don't think Aphrodite suits to be me or I her I think She would make a better lover for mysql. Definitely, I can't be someone I am sexually attracted to, or can I. So If I were to choose, who I would like most to be is The goddess of The Hunt,Moon and several other things, I am Artemis! Beautiful, strong, Independent has a few issues with her father, free.

But no I am not Jesus Christ, nor am I Aphrodite and sadly I am not Artemis but thats okay I am me!

I did the following pictures showing my beautiful Gods.

Jesus Butterfly

Aphrodite

Artemis

bullshit baffles even my brain

I find it baffling how my moods change from one extreme to the next in a matter of seconds, the blink of an eye,clap of the hands, flick of a switch, from beauty to beast , I shudder as I look into the magic mirror, "mirror mirror on the wall, who's the craziest of them all", "mirror , mirror on the wall find me a way , through the door"

Just yesterday I was taking a magic carpet ride and today the sky is falling.

I have X-ray vision, I see though me, right through me. I have seven dwarfs dancing inside, there names: lonely,sexy,displaced,fancy,dirty,messy,lovely(wrong) I think there must be 482 - 4 million different dwarfs.

well at least my house is not been blown down but there could be a troll under the bridge. Do trolls have horns? If they do I doubt that troll is any match for this bull. I don't see red , i don't see under and there is no over, Im seeing through but not very far up my beanstalk. I could be lost in following the piper , but know I do not follow.

Since I insist on making reference to fairy tales I may as well add am  I the ugly duckling in some ways, aren't we all.

done being corny.

i feel like nonsense today.

Smiling Easter bunnies

I really need to do these blog entries more often. I know I say this every time I fade away but honestly and very seriously I feel something missing when I do not enter!


I have had a fabulous day and I feel fucking great right now. Im inspired, I feel loved, appreciated. I like these things. A lot it seems. I never realized there are people who relate to me through these words of mine. People who laugh,people who cray. I touch people, they touch me and no i don't mean If i show you mine will you show me yours.


Easter has always been an important one in my family. We are not outrageously religious or anything, some believe others don't and I am certainly not here to discuss my own beliefs. But I be;ieve in family and the bond I have with each member in different ways.


Relationships with me and others and others and me are normally quite complexed and I put that down to communication or the lack there of but when I have days like I've had today that all goes somewhere else.


I enjoyed a moment at lunch while I feasted on my moms slow roasted greek lamb (and don't ask me what greek lamb is(i shrug) I know its delicious and even more so seated between two beautiful woman. My gran and my ex girlfriend (mmmm) I think I had both of them in my arms at one point. I love to eat and I love to love.


I don't have very many words right now, Im smiling, my jaw in pain as its been for 3 weeks, normally at this time Im crying from the pay but now Im smiling right through it. Fuck it feels grand, to smile, to know Im loved, to know....


I made these treat bags for everyone today, i made one for myself too, I share some of the designs I printed on to paper bags(keep in mind each design was for an individual-- so you may not understand but you don't really need to)


Prepare myself emotionally for the morning: In order to do that I will do nothing.

Get over it

I went to The Eagles last night. Obviously like most 'younger' people and even older Hotel California is the song that everybody is itching to hear. Oh and we heard it, I believe the sound in the beautifully designed CapeTown stadium ensured the music went right into me.

The moment I remember most last night accept of course the 20 odd people who couldn't read and as a result when the best graphics of the entire show were displayed, as the words 'please stand by' along with the image of a tv getting ready to display, those 200 people were slightly confuse and mistook or misread the please stand by with 'PLEASE STAND' to what was probably one of the slowest ballads of the evening and made absolutely no sense to be standing at all..... but as 200 people stand 2000 follow and so on. I found myself one of those people who apparently 'mis read' or rather 'do as others do' just because you feel like an idiot sitting.

The favorite part of my evening where I came to a realization of how sensitive i actually am. My sister and i took all of three pictures of ourselves together with my phone,which means the flash would go off each time. I didn't even think it could bother anyone, as i was excited and never have pictures with her so thought it would be a normal need. In my act, that was purely innocent, stirred another in the opposite way of how I was feeling.

There was a shove at my chair and I looked behind, where I was not greeted with a friendly face,instead a man,probably in his sixties scolded me. ' you will not do that' he went off a little. I was a little hurt actually because what I thought was innocent was turned on me. I turned around and let him know there are more polite ways in speaking to people. He was adamant that his stern , unfriendly, obtrusive tone was his way of being polite. I turned back round and felt aggravated, turned back to him and suggested he relax and enjoy the show. He flipped at me. Something about how can he if my flash is in his face blah blah nonsense. My gut was to want to throw something at him but instead I smiled and told him to relax. He did not not like this, I noticed his wife put her hand on his knee and squeezed her touch did not work as he threw out the words as he pointed his finger in my face "FUCK YOU", he repeated it. I became tense and I wanted so badly to ignore him, I couldn't and went to his very pleasant level , "NO! FUCK YOU!!" he became aggressive as my sister turned to him and suggested not only should he enjoy the show, perhaps he should go back to his youth and feel the love, she finished with opening a flower explosion moment to his heart. He was not impressed.

For the rest of the evening I was convinced he was going to knock us out with his crush. It didn't happen.

My best part is this: when my dad realized what was happening, he didn't ask me what I had done, he defended me, turned and gave the guy a serious eyeful. (I loved it) I felt protected, between both my dad and my sister.

The only thing is, that such a small thing from a total stranger gets me all down so easily.

Besides all that, which was entertaining, I did truly enjoy my time.

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Eagles - I Can't Tell you Why

By Beyondmyfate

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Familiar

Standstill? I don't know. Its okay not to know. I can't always know. Do I ever know? Who knows.

I have successfully found myself living back in CapeTown. Yes Im going to use that 'phrase'-"there are no words to describe...." How extraordinary it feels to be home. Cape Town,. Just being able to change my Facebook from living in.... To living in Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa. Oh it gave me such satisfaction blended with excitement.

There are some who can not understand why I would swop a n open spacious house with a massive garden for a small flat and a tiny garden. Yeah sure I have some guilt round moving my dog to a smaller space but she will adjust. I too need to adjust. Not because I am no longer where I never wanted to be to begin with but just because I find change challenging. It brings up all sorts of emotional drama, I believe it helps I am in a smaller space, the more confined my living space the more secure I feel. Weird for someone who wants her space all the time. Space: not just the area between walls.

I haven't made entries because I have become selective with both my thought process as well as feel progression, the question I ask is it progression or transgression. It could be a bit of both. I feel as if I am both posetive and negative but real. I know whats up, I am depressed, I am also happy, not happy nor sad nor indifferent. I could be her or there. I disappear in illusions and fantasy , I reappear in reality and tell a story by saying nothing.

I choose to stop now because I don't want yo face the 'real feel' , I face it none the less.

It's interesting 

fruit cake

“It is not only fine feathers that make fine birds.” Aesop

I walked past a coffee shop today. As I glimpsed through the window I became fixated on a woman who was staring back at me. She was crying. I stopped an looked back at her. Almost feeling her. As she cried,I smiled back and kept walking. I couldn't shake the feeling. I felt sad but content at the same time. Not because I was happy to see someone vulnerable. It was because I felt when I crossed her path I was in fact looking at me. 


"a union of secrets and flaws" From my perception of course.


Obviously I do not know why she was crying or the circumstances that led to her tears. I do know it felt familiar. To connect to a feeling that carried from one stranger to another. Even if at that time stranger (a) is unaware that stranger (b) just gets it.


These are moments in my day that i keep. Call me strange but I connect with even the birds.

22

Play this song with this post-

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R.E.M.-Losing My Religion(With Lyrics)

By EA0825

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This is what Ive been doing for the past week. I took what i call an emotional journey to Pretoria-Brits-Joburg and back. I went to celebrate my Ouma's (gran) 80th Birthday and it was quite the celebration. I even witnessed my dad playing african drums round a fire. With large family events in my experience come just as large stirring emotions. From happy to angry to sad and happy again. Also fatigue sometime follows.

I have now had a few days to sit back (if you call cleaning your house for hours,coming up with concepts for children's books and spending hours shopping for storage boxes relaxing) Yet I have found time to put some pieces together,feel some moments I would invite anyway and do with open arms but for now I share with you the last week by giving you some of trip to you in pictures: