definite

I am vaguely understanding the difference between feelings of boredom, impatience, depression,loneliness,anger and pure bonkers. Those may not all be feelings necessarily but they are here with me and I am struggling as I stare into the depth of nothingness typing the word bored ,bored,bored  receptively whilst trying to watch TV. I try to find things to do to distract from, lonely lonely lonely lonely but my attention span does not permit. I look into the mirror and i say sad,sad,sad,sad. Followed by a little tantrum where I pull every ridiculous face possible to my being, look again: oh okay , happy,happy,hurt,happy "go do something!"


This songs strikes a nerve in me,is me:

Then on the other hand there are things that touch me, get me going.
Someone beautiful an unique to me (special even) passed the following onto me. I don't share it lightly as the selfish part in me wants it all to be mine,I share it to share me as in what lightens the load.

"Show me how you follow your deepest desires,
spiraling down into the ache within the ache.
And I will show you how I reach inward and open outward
to feel the kiss of the Mystery, sweet lips on my own, every day." ~ Oriah Mountain Dreamer ~

speak

What I get up to when I have nothing to do

Shake it Out

I have spent a long time on what I relate to and what relates to me for a very large part of my life. I have learnt looking gets me nowhere or not very far anyway. Even though I know this I continue on a search. I'm not sure what I'm searching for anymore. So let me simplify things stop searching. Besides the best things are those you feel for instantly. I feel permanently and as a result I become attached and normally when those feelings are mutual, the other 'thing or person' becomes attached too. I'm not talking unhealthy co dependant attachments , maybe I am, not sure what the difference is all the time. I do know I'm calling out.


I'm staying put. With all those seeking feelings as they generate flowing feelings.


I relate to the following song and I'm certain it relates to me: we are now a 'healthy' attachment :) get me?

This is my story for Today

this movie is called "REBEL" here in Afrique de Sud

psycho babble me

Drug Therapy vs Talk Therapy

If you had a both a psychiatrist and a therapist/clinical psychologist/beautiful human being and you had to choose between the two. Who the fuck would you choose?
Is it even possible? I mean i know I sometimes play my own shrink by default but I have sense if I continued to do that I would some how spiral out of control, maybe get high on my own supply or even start dealing out lithium and end up right back with her, so no: I will not stop seeing my shrink: besides its not like I can write out my own scripts. Sure my pharmacy will keep giving for an amount of time but when that stops : hello doctor. No No No.

Then theres my therapist. I dont even have go here : Fuck no! Okay I will go a little bit. Something like the only person i truly trust. A place I can go and never hide. To get real with me. Everything is mirrored and means something. No judgment, brutal honesty,peace of mind. A chance to come home and reflect on everything I have learnt, a chance to practice what has been learnt,handed, shown without facets,masks or games. This is my heart of sanity: SO NO.

I can not choose I'm afraid, so this leaves me stuck in an unmanageable situation that scares me. One has a different function to the other and both these function are what aid my core function.

Maybe the only compromise is to wean myself down.

I have no Idea how this will pan out but I'm willing to trust this process. I believe I do.

goodnight/good day again

So much happens in one day. My days are so full of life and energy also matched wit pain and disappointment.

I admit I am not all my self at present. My head aches, my shoulders are riddle in knots. Im probably a little bit of an emotional mess. I could clean up the mess a little or I could just allow to take over completely. I choose neither. I let the mess hang around a bit. So I can feel it, see it,be it. I can then slowly try to put it in order but Im afraid it aint that easy. Emotional mess is what is, an emotional mess and its here for me to take care of rather then throw it away,ignore it. Really if I think about there are far worse things in life then me feeling rejected by my mother or disregard by...

At first I chose to ignore it, I now choose to embrace it, but maybe when I wake up. Im taking myself to bed. Where I can sleep peacefully and allow my body to have an hopefully 8 hour break, where my mind will probably continue to work but I will at least be sleeping.

I cant always be happy, or happy with me or my behavior or the bad choices I make: and I make them . Im still learning I think Im going to be 'growing up' each day Im alive. Today?

Good night/good day again

part 2

My obsession yesterday was finding all my favourite shoots/pics of Monica Bellucci. This woman is 47 years old and I feel she has one of those true 'movie star' looks, the kind that carries on forever and at 47 she look couldnt be any more beautiful. I find the older woman get the more beautiful they become and so I share my 'crush' for this woman with you.

My favourite images of Monica Bellucci, from my view, an Icon:

sleepy

Oh goodness gracious gosh....

I am in one of those. Where I have been online obsessing, obsessing over one thing only. I planned to integrate it into this entry but Alas the obsession is only in its middle process, therefor I shall lay it out tomorrow. I can say it is in my opinion visually pleasing. May or may not be for all but it's all for me.

Today was special. This whole weekend was special;. I went out, had a good time,put on my dancing shoes and rampaged the dance floor. So much so my shoulder's hurt. Shoulders? don't ask!
Today I had Sunday lunch at my grandparents, where I actually, literally fell asleep half way through. Not because I was bored but because it was so good to have so much of: goodness. I woke and splashed around in the pool. I love the feeling of taking that first dive,body meets water and an invigorating coolness. I come alive. Also to just float there and loose myself to the sky. I feel at the=at moment I am the connection from the water I float in to the sky that my head floats in.

I now need a very good nights sleep.

Here is a movie I watched very long ago and it has never left me (it is also where my 'crush' for Monica Bellucci began)

till tomorrow:

point blank bored

I was going to go on about my altercation with my Nazi neighbour next door. I thought it over: why do I want to give someone space when they are so mean. Its boring. 
I then wanted to go on about my ferocious mood swings. I decided well we have all heard that before: boring.
So it goes with all. Sue I'm feeling and I'm doing and I'm being, It just doesn't hook me right now.


I know I have been using music as a medium to express my feelings a lot these days and so I do it again now as this is how I feel to the point:

not that hard

Exhausted. I suppose a mind that never stops and a body that tries to stay in sync with all the 'last minute' things I just must get up to in a day can be very tiring.

 My house has never been so clean, my garage cleared up and orderly- this took a while as every time I see a spider. I jump, I scream, I run to the kitchen like a little girl to get the doom, return , stand a metre away and scream "die mother fucker, die!" as the poison filters the room. I am then to scared to remove the deceased, so I leave the room close the door behind me and expect that when I go back they are somehow going to magically be gone. As I go about packing and unpacking boxes putting things in place my head starts tingling and I jump, I feel a tickle on my foot and I jump higher. At this point I am convinced that as a result of ending a few spiders lives, Karma has come back to get me and with every feeling on my skin I am under attack, the spiders have come back by the dozen. Once I've done a few laps round the boxes centered in the room I stop and pack up laughing at myself.

Then theres my thing with hair. I am so disgusted by single strands of hair lying around. Yes even if it is my own. I love hair on a head, to run my hands through yours or mine but I can not do single: no. Obviously this is a problem when you cleaning your house,the bathrooms are the worst. So as I clean you will hear "arrrg, no, fuck man, this is disgusting,disgusting" I eek and freak and even close my eyes when I need to vacuum it up or wipe a surface with a single strand that sticks to my cloth. I then hold the cloth as far as I can in front of me and try to shake it off. If that does not work brush it against the same surface to get it off again. Ooops isn't the idea to get it off the surface. When I get really grossed out I dispose of that cloth and start with a new one. (I go through quite a few cloths a week)

I have had a few emotional wobbles today. Family. Huge button pushers,axe slayers. The strange thing is I cant really get into the anger. I feel angry at the moment I read a mail from my dad where he insists on pointing out all the things he has done for me  and clearly not for one second appreciating that I am in fact grateful. Its in my nature.
Apparently I make no effort to spend time with him or his unit. I just don't see why I would want to spend time with people who make me feel like I just don't belong,anywhere. Where I am constantly reminded about everything that PAY for. Surely if you do something from 'your heart' pointing out how much money they spend on you is uncalled for. To be told every time I see people that I should be on this diet or that diet, or wait how I can cure my bi polar. No, No No. The dynamics of this family is not easy to swallow. It does not mean I do not love them It just means I am uncomfortable in so many ways. I do not need to feel guilty about breathing every day. Yeh sure my issues too. History is a dangerous line to cross.

Anyhooo, Thankfully I am feeling strong marginally positive: Thank you God for Bi-Polar, thank you for me.

up and away

My mood is very satisfying. Not far fetched at all. I grin. I have had a great day, just superb.


I have giggled and laughed til my stomach hurts. I have given and received. I love doing both, to give is to love to receive is to love(I love!)


I have a mom who I seem to have a luncheon with once a week, and I feel alive when I'm driving towards our beautiful hour. 


I have a therapist whom I obviously see once a week, I feel this energy gliding through my body as I drive to make our 'date'. Be it if my mood is low or high I feel safe. A realness seeps through us both and fills the room with colorful comfort of sorts, magnetic. 


I have a sister I don't see all that often but every time I receive a call from her where she gifts me with her love, I feel a beautiful light fill me,I smile. 


I have a lover who never fails to be passionate with me,today she gave me a 'valentine' and now i wait that look,that kiss,that part where my clothes fall to the ground magically with her touch.Also a special kind of tender crazy.


I have myself who gives and loves without limits and no expectations (well sometimes) and this is just a part of the beautiful people who full my life with so many shades of light.


The point is all these people and more make me feel SO very special and a life with out them would not only be dull but I would have no one to give to and no one to receive from and don't for get 'this is a feel good kinda lovin'


All that said and done I feel so fucking amazing right now: next step(find yourself a home Carey)


I love Valentines day. I love any day where I can give gifts. Not that only happens on special occasions and not that I need an excuse to be romantic, but I fucking love it.

my fingers groove

Well, I'm not entirely sure what goes here today. everything seems to be rockabilly. 
I have had 2 moments of downtime. That means I become very quite and very slow. No one can get in even if they using a drill. No way in, just me in my zone. Those moments don't last very long, thankfully brief. 


Another day of leaving the house to 'quickly' go to the shops and being out for hours. I get sidetracked. I went out to buy paint and I came back 3 hours later with litchis,a microphone,karaoke fun, a new cover for my phone,batteries and paint. I also went searching for a WWJD bracelet(thought it would be fun) I grew bored and returned home. All over the show.


All over the show,dancing,singing,creating. I even spent an hour in the shower. I have spur of the moment ideas and try to do all of them,often at the same time. Painting,while I'm smoking,watching a dvd,kissing and throwing a ball for my dog,all..... simultaneously.


On a drive yesterday we cam across the song I have attached , it took me back to new years eve, a new years eve I spent with my family. You see my cousin and IN to the dinning room to bring up the lowly mood in the room, the Zorba we went. So as I was doing this dance yesterday as I drove, so instead of using m legs I had to pretend my hands were people dancing on the dash board, Don't remember how I drove for those few minutes. But it was pumping out my sunroof and I smiled when I remembered new years eve, just my cousin and I kicking our legs round the table as everyone clapped in sync. Sadly we were stopped when I asked if we could start throwing plates. That spurred another idea , I was to come home and do exactly what I was stopped from doing not so long ago.


I'm having so much fun being me. What a lot of fun it is to be free. 


What else is there: this is more like an update. Update entered. Noted?


I dare you to go and do something unusual to you,something you've always smiled at doing but stop yourself due to social barricades or insecurities. I don't know what yours is, but I know how you might feel, its almost charmingly wicked. You get to choose: Its fun.

and when you fall get up and dance

My body has been trying to keep up with my mind but always seems to be a step behind. When I'm a Little hyper as I am, a little hyper manic (which I feel I wear really well)My body just cant be in sync all the time and as a result I become, well, clumsy. I am clumsy by nature anyway but if you were to watch me as I am now, dancing around as if in a music video, as if clubbing all day, the music in my mind are my thoughts with a beat and a tune and rhyme and I do feel as if I am on a stage, I have an audience.


So here some examples. Yesterday I was prancing round the kitchen as I do, but as my mind swirled around to the music in my head and I spoke rapidly to my sister I wanted to do a simple thing. Walk to the fridge,open the door and take out the milk. What happened was I somehow missed the milk , lifted a bottle really quick and as I spoke my mind didn't connect to my hand which should naturally grip and the bottle went flying. So I bent down and started to clean up the glass, only while I was doing that I was thinking of business venture 3062, so I stood up in a motion with a thought process not connected to the spill and yes a shard of glass was stood on, blood now joined the yellow juice spill. I was tended to by the 'safe brigade' as they checked how deep it went I was talking about my dog not eating the glass. Only then noticing the blood coming from my second last toe (and this little piggy had none)


This morning I wanted to take a drive to the shop to buy some cigarettes. so I get to the store , just up the road, I speed anyhow, I'm a racing driver you know. I stumble out the car (you would think I was drunk) for some reason I find myself flying to the ATM, as I get there i forget that when you reach a stair you pull your leg up and step with your foot. No.Not me,  I think I can walk through cement too. I trip,I break my fall with my right hand. I don't look around to see if anyone is looking because I am driven to draw money. The machine churns out R400 in R20 notes, I speak to the machine , "R20 notes! Really,You cant be fucking serious" a voice from behind, a voice that comes with a clean cut guy, "excuse me. What was that?" I turn and say, "that machine only gives R20 notes, It cant be fucking serious" I walk away. I enter the shop to buy my fags and it seems I am now a parrot as I say to the shop attendant. Oh no, I take out the wad of cash and wave it in her face, "that machine out there only gives R20 Notes! It cant be fucking serious?" apparently that was funny. I get home somehow and repeat the story. Twice!


I'm going on a bit here aren't I: welcome you to my colourful world. To me its colorful, reds and blues and whites and yellows and glitters and blacks and blues and light blue and purple and reds. I dance with my colors. They dance with me.


Most of my day was spent trying to get one task done, but that task took me everywhere. I didn't know How I ended up from a veggie shop to a toy store, to home ware, to 20 million different hardware stores and so on and so on, what felt like 20 minutes ended up being 5 hours and Finally I made for the dance floor at home.


My dog must love these moods because we go on very very long walks. I talk to people when I walk and some of them talk back. We have intense , fulfilling conversations. We laugh, we argue,we cry,we hug and then I realise I'm talking out loud and think maybe Its time to go home.


Home I go and begin to paint letters. Wood letters. I don't just start to paint , first I try all the colors I can and the colors converse with each other, a dance off and eventually I choose yellow. I paint out awake and stick it on my wall and awake I am: tomorrow Alive shall join awake and I'm thinking my mind might consider a dance in between.


Moving swiftly  to a catch my flight , the journey unknown, the sound track of my life changes with my thoughts and is carried by my feelings. I use my body and my feet and try to make my mind my partner while my heart does all the talking.




here it is:

interesting

Well I will keep it short- if that is possible since I am rather hyper manic. Hyper manic in a fucking fantastic way. Everything is awesome, there is beauty in all things and all things seem to captivate me in some way. Be it....

Someone falling asleep on me for a slight moment. Be it me telling a stranger how sexy there legs are. Be it having my dog jump on me as I walk through the door, the conversation I have with her about finding a home for us in town. Be it a visit to the bank with my mom to sign papers stating i am a part of something. Be it spending an hour drinking a coffee having a "you look away first competition" with a beautiful girl. Be it a chat on the phone with my dad or be it having amazing sex.

There are a lot of be its and let it be known I feel great today!

electric

It is said that 'home is where the heart is' well right now my heart is home.

I am visiting my mom in Cape Town and I ask myself why? Why have I left it so long? Why did I not move home sooner? Home as in Cape Town not my mom, don't get me wrong I love my mommy but Cape Town she is my city, she moves me. I feel here. I just feel it.

When i wake from a nap and I hear the neighbour screaming my moms name. I go outside and we say hello. A hello that turns into a wide conversation. A conversation that has brackets of laughter. A conversation that turns into an exchange of numbers. A conversation that turns into a real live person helping me find a place to live. A place in Capetown. Yes a little wacky flow of words that are exchange but I wouldn't have it any other way. This is real, I'm engaging with a person not just my dog(bless her) not just my head or a family member, not and old guy who wants his car washed , a real live girl, an eccentric weirdo, Like minded, well sort of (there is more to the story, but I keep it as is for now) I walk back inside and I'm smiling.

When we sit and have lunch at a quaint little bistro. Watching people, being in the moment that is special to us both- people watchers turn engage with whom we watch. This is a Bond my mother and I always explore. As I leave the bistro, I smile.

As I walk to the shop, mo in tow, a number of estate agents cascading in the shop fronts. WE glare , we stare, we look intensely, we are looking into my home, somewhere amongst all this flowing images, I will find my garden and home will be where my warm heart pumps. We walk and we talk and I feel the energy of this electric city feeding through my feet as I walk her dirty streets, I hear the ocean in the distance or it could just be the rumble of the traffic but as I walk everything is romantic, as we turn to walk home, I smile.

I smile, I smile, I smile from within which is painted on my face and seen deeply through my eyes, you will know if you see me today, you wont just say hi, you will see me, you will feel the excitement of what will someday, not today nor tomorrow but soon enough, for after 2 minutes mingling with my town,my home, I will live here and when you see me you will be bitten by the sparkle in my eye. Guess what you will do: you will most probably smile: Its infectious after all.

so slightly off topic I am a sucker for valentines day, okay!

I would forget valentines day every year if...

I love that, I love her so

My favourite part of today was when My dog ran into the sea on her own. Sure she ran after me, but isn't that the best part. I fell back into the waves and let the ocean swallow me as I enjoyed the sight of my dog , loving the water,taking it in,smiling as the water smiled back.

Dont say a prayer for me now...

Save it til the morning after.

I sometimes find myself missing things. Missing people. I don't like to allow myself space to miss certain things at certain times because I feel I am not allowed to that it is wrong. the problem with that is, the more I try to hesitate the more I find myself thinking of these things. Things get all tangled up with my thought process and as a result I have all the meshed up feelings that follow.

I know what I need to do, I understand the idea of the healthy concept. But when I cant forget I become frustrated with myself. It proves evident that I am one of those people who wanders this earth with a broken heart. I myself have done some heart breaking and know its probably some kind of balance of nature. But then again if you have hurt someone and they have hurt you back and so on does that make karma equal. What am i going on about?

Simply put I could be talking about a relationship with my addict, my need to want to be driven away from her but my hunger to feed her succumbs from time to time and I feel a weakness, i try to ignore it,pretend that I am not weak. Who am I fucking kidding, I can be weak and I can be strong at exactly the same time. I do not need to ignore it I need to accept it and ride on the back of the weakness using the strength of my sword to bring peace of mind rather than stir up malice. It will be love/hate.

I may be thinking about a woman I feel I can love til my heart gives in. She does not need to return that love. I'm different to her and that is okay. i need to stop pretending to myself that I am totally over her or us, I am not and I should be okay with saying that. Why lie, why lie to me. I try so hard to push it out of my mind but so what if I remember from time to time,so what. Maybe I find myself holding on to it, living in the memory of what I have made up to be a perfect memory at that. I am very good at stories,romantic stories. I should let it be what it is, a person I loved,a person that loved me,a 6 year relationship, a broken one that has left me hanging. To face it and let it be what it is, I think is this: You loved, you loved fully,you loved to the limit,you loved with no limit, you loved as if you would never love again and if not for the entire relationship, for a long moment,where you never came up for air. You loved! You don't stop loving because 6 years are up, you love further,you love , you just not in it anymore and without it how would you know, you wouldn't know the feelings you had then nor the feelings you have now. Most importantly without this love,this memory I wouldn't know That I love to love and I want to love again, perhaps this time come up for air every now and again.

I sometimes miss a friend I once had. A very special friend. A friend I have hurt a friend that has hurt me, a Friend where we allowed for each other to fuck up, we also allowed each other to "have your back" This is where I need to remind myself, I have not lost her nor her me, we have just moved differently,swayed but there will always be that bond. where I take drastic measure when I think I have lost someone/everyone I disappear. I need to remind myself to do what I want most from people, to see,to hear,to be.

I know,I feel,I sometimes forget to just take it easy.

This is how I feel:

Unconditional something

I find it really sad sometimes when all I'm trying to do is be me. When family seem to believe what there perceptions are and perhaps my perception saddens it further. When I think all I am doing is expressing and they believe all I am doing is complaining. When I am shut down as I open the flow of words i feel are raw emotion. Belittled when I feel so big for my expression and so easily seen as so small or rather the way I take it in. When in my reality all I am doing is desperately reaching out to be understood and so often misunderstood. I know this is not me, I know this can simply be for example : 2 perceptions smoked with self thought and a misunderstanding of other. A misguided path of who one is and for some reason unable to even cross paths with another.


Oh how so many who seek understanding for it becomes so difficult to believe in self understanding being enough, is it enough for me: clearly not as I set out on a journey every day trying to find a cross road of an unconditional something.


I find it really beautiful sometimes how even without having all that I want I still feel a great suction of love for the same I want so desperately to see me. A suction in the way that I absorb the and I do so whole heartily. I may become insecure of their love but to feel as I do for them they can only feel a little of the same. You see, what I think is obviously we all just have different ways. all escaping in forms that contradict who we are but we still are who we are and these very people i try to grab onto each day may be trying to grab on to me too. I may eat with a small spoon and you a big one, but we both eating.


Love is here and you are there, but we are always somewhere.

not to use

My mood has been kind of all over the place. At one moment I'm all chipper and the next slightly sombre to totally out of the box. I cant sit still. I have very little concentration. for example, I am seated for not even 3 minutes and then I will jolt up and pace round the house, talking rapidly about why this why that? It could be like this. I have also been drawn to finding answers today? What is to come of me, what can I do differently how can I make sure I am my own life or my life is my own.


Oh how many things I come up with and how very confusing to choose. I have many ideas but not so many conclusions. Just one would be great.
So I have decided to try, yes I repeat try to focus on one little thing at a time. Perhaps it wont bring me immediate freedom but it may just help me find my way. So this week I will focus on designing some prints that were asked of me. Why not take images play with images and see them beautifully printed. I may not be paid today but someday I hope to be seen.


You see I am tired of been treated like a child and if people continue to treat me like that it makes it all the much harder to act like an adult, what I need to work on from me, is not allow people to affect my every single emotion. So as hard as it is for me a boundary needs to be put on place. 


To trust in my process I can not give myself permission to use, I can not continue to ask permission from others to live and mainly I need to believe in that voice calling me, that hand tugging at my sleeve...I  not only need, I have to listen carefully to what I am really saying to myself,what I am really asking for, where I really want to go and then I have to trust that I am enough, worthy enough,trustworthy enough,talented enough  beautiful enough, strong enough, I'm just ENOUGH!


Okay, Today I decided to go on a date with myself, I took myself to a movie. Its ridiculous even then I second guessed everything with "but are you sure you want to go?" "YES" was the answer. "Isn't it too much money to spend?", "no more then what you'd spend on drugs Carey" mmm the answer finally being "you need to go to a movie." I did, that what I needed. I needed to be the only one in the cinema watching a movie with me, I needed it because its the first thing I have done for myself in a very long time. To think that a small thing like taking me to see a movie can be so important. Yes its an escape, but its a healthy one. I love that I can go to a movie by myself, I love that I made a decision and I love that it felt good. so now moving to the bigger stuff: Just for today....




So why wouldn't I want to spend an hour and 36minutes watching a hot vampire in leather kick ass, in 3D: