memory me

I come and go , fluttering in and out of this blog of mine. I'm not sure flutter is always the right ford as sometimes I have a broken wing and flutter no more.

I have a whole lot of memories that have been flooding in. Not necessarily just bad memories, I just keep remembering everything. Stuff like playing swamp games in the pool when I was seven and at that same age I can remember going to school in the winter. My mom would get up before us and put the heater on so we could drape our long socks over it to warm up.
I remember moments with people and sometimes even conversation and I'm talking about moments starting form 5 years old along a broad spectrum to my  current age of 34.
Naturally now tab I'm here and I want to put it all down I am struggling to tap in again. I can say these memories come at me , they sneak up on me while I'm washing dishes,they present themselves to me when I'm driving , when I'm shopping for groceries,they hold me as I fall asleep. They seep in and grab me while I'm doing mundane things to being distracted by them at lunch with the family or even in therapy.
These are my memories and it would probably be a good idea to jot them down as they come.
People often link a memory as something bad that has happened (well maybe not people maybe that's what I do) that a memory tears your soul apart but no over the past month I have experienced the joy of snippets that form great memories, even when there is sadness in some.

I feel like I am a walking it, talking it,feeling it but knowing that it is past , one that I can sometimes smile at,laugh and then there are tears. I know now that I am allowed to freely take it in and let it go,

See Through

I don't want to walk throughout the same door every door. I wish I had the option of many different doors that took me to all sorts of different worlds and if not worlds at least difference rides inn this world.
I wish i didn't see the same thing I see every day. do the same thing. Sometimes I feel like a week is just one long day. Ive found myself comfortable living within that I forget how it is to even exit one door never mind a few. My body may be doing the same thing from day to day but what goes on here in this head takes me everywhere. I often end up in the dangerous places , I don't like hanging around there for to long, can't afford to get lost in sadness. I forget I have already found myself lost in sadness. Is it a state of mind or is it something that holds onto me or perhaps I hold onto it, what is the relationship and does it serve me in anyway. If the answer is no I would be content for it to move the fuck out, it can take any door.

I ask myself why not create something new, something different, where I feel good and happy etc etc, well I'm not a magician and as far as I know , building doors and connecting to worlds amongst more usual things I am trying, sometimes I may not be trying hard enough but I'm just going with what I feel and this is what I feel- broken

Feeling Somber

I am really having a struggle with being in my own skin today. Feeling kind of somber. I think after having quite a good few days of what I can only describe as a high it is probably only normal to feel pretty shitty. I have been able to tap in to my creative parts that make me function, using all sorts of mediums to express ideas. The ideas that have been flowing beautifully. Its been almost some kind of blessing(that being the help of anti depressants) to help out of a very depressing slump I have faced every day for far to long. I think today I realized and even though I know not every day can be a good day I feel very disappointed that today is not like yesterday. I should understand that no one day can be like any other but I refer to mood and feelings and most importantly an easy flow of creativity. Today as I usually do I woke at 5am with the hope to start working on some creative projects but I was instead faced with a block, such as writers block. I am very frustrated with this. I keep telling myself "It's okay, It's just one day you can give yourself a break" Well that's all very well but what of the mood part in all this. This morning when I woke I could instantly , okay after my coffee, feel a change in mood, dulled.
I have dragged myself through the day, literally watching the clock anticipating my bedtime just so I can start all over again tomorrow. This is the way it is. I encourage myself to let me be even if being is not being able to swallow because I have feelings lodged in my throat down to my gut. I encourage myself to understand that even if I am depressed today tomorrow could be different or the day after that. I sit with myself and I listen, I listen carefully to what I need and I try the best way I can to deliver.
You know obviously I'm sick of all this shit, the bi polar,the beds,the moods,the opinions,the lack of opinions,the support,the lack there of, I get it , I understand it, I just, don't know how to end this sentence.

FUCK

5am in the morning. Where you going to be? On the phone with my mother.

Just an average day, up at 5 am on the phone with my mom talking as if its a sunny afternoon when actually its still dark. There must be something wrong with our body clocks or maybe just our heads.
We not talking 5 minute wake up calls we talking full bodied conversations here.
And so the day begins.

I have nothing. um, mmm, nope nothing.

okay one thing- ideas are coming to me and they are being welcomed by a mind thats ready to turn them into more that just ideas, Im ready now, Ive been waiting a very long time for this tho happen, for my mind to click back into gear, to take a step back and put a step into something new, something vibrant, something just for me. I have and idea!

then she inspired to be...

I haven't posted in a few weeks due to being deeply depressed and I thought who the fuck wants to read about comes sad depression and loneliness , but lately Ive been thinking it could be use flu to some but more importantly useful for me to have a space to put down how I'm doing/feeling.

Luckily I'm feeling better today, well its not exactly luck , I have had a little help with a double dose of my anti depressants and since I started taking this dose i have definitely noticed a drastic change in my mood. I am up at 5:30 am and by 9am I have done everything that I set out to do for the day.

I'm not sure Im ready to say a slight manic has touched me just yet but I can say there is some kind of hyper that is flying me from one project to the next and I seem to have very many projects right now. Me being the christmas freak that I am I have naturally started on Christmas gifts sometimes I even find myself humming christmas tunes-- nutty much?

I don't really have anything to say, nothing has really happened , you know the usual, up at 5, coffee,smoke,dog walk,shops,hardware store,shops again,projects,series,tv,more projects etc etc.

Ive decided its not really about what you do during the day but what your mind does and where it venture and how you feel because all of that is a journey itself and like what you do it evokes more feelings or thoughts and ultimately inspiration.

I seems I had a good day.

Full Cycle

I spent the last week in New York with Tarynn doing things like finding the best of everything and in our search we found, the best burger,the best milkshake,the best peach pie,the best pizza,Indian and probably indirectly every others kinds of food I was lucky to have a relationship with before it was or I was seduced and then eaten. that makes no sense does it?

Days were spent exploring and being with people, Tarynns people whom all seemed to notice something 'different' about me something a little off, perhaps sad. I have to say in that sense of sadness I had one of the best evenings I will go right out and say was one of the best evenings I have ever had. Tarynn took me to this crazy Indian restaurant in the east village, crazy, fulled with so many flickering lights, I felt like a Christmas tree being in this small space. I will tell you why I enjoyed this evening so much because there was a part where they turned off all the lights and this bollywood happy birthday song came on, everyone was clapping and dancing myself included up until I realised the ice cream sparkler was put in front of me, Tarynn had told them it was my birthday and I have never laughed as much as I did as I was not expecting it and it was all so crazy and I was just like a little kid, I told Tarynn that was the best part of the entire trip for me, it just felt so good to have someone do something that to me was very special. Its kind of one of those places you have to be in to fully understand, but I think it is easy to relate to feeling good from good, right?

There is no structure or form in the way I write today and the truth is I find it so hard to write as I'm not really in the mood for anything but I do need to bring closure or whatever to the end of our road trip, so
4000 miles/ 6500 km and more of driving and exploring , a full cycle of the moon, I find myself at the end of our road trip "CaTaTy 2013"

I am already missing sharing a bed with my sister, going to the ends of the earth to find food for my cousin,smoke breaks outside motel rooms,scenery that goes from fields to seas,being told how to drive,random swimming excursions,lemonade.... I could go on I just cant right now.

I understand the concept of everything must end but I dont like it much, I just dont.

it is never the end though, the journey goes on....

to fly

Im love the way New York City feels. I just love being here. Its the little things, like all the dogs being walked through the streets. The sound of the traffic soothes me as it would sitting at the ocean. I love how there can be a sermon on the side of the road to records being sprawled on the pavement, for sale of course. The market we went to yesterday, everything vintage and too expensive but just being able to walk through all sorts of different people , tasting different foods. The diverse cultures in this City make it all the more interesting. I love how when you walk past someone you can get the tail end of there conversation on the phone because they talk so loudly and it always seems to be something very personal. I love the way the sun shines on the old brown buildings. I love standing on the roof looking over all the other buildings, they are endless. Just walking from block to block and being so visually engaged with everything I pass is beautiful to me.

I love, I love I love.

We said good bye to our third party yesterday, that being my cousin. Obviously it leaves a large gap having him leave and I can feel he is missing. That part of our journey is over and even with all our differences it was amazing to have him along for the ride.

However this road trip is not quite over just yet as my sister an I make it for Montauk today another place from our childhood, a place we went with our mother a long time a go, a place I remember pretending to fly from one sand dune to the next, pretending to fly and believing I could. So today once again I launch off.

walk in the palm

So the trip still goes on as we have made it to New York City. I like it here, I like the feeling here in all its busy madness there is always a place of calm. There may always be sound flowing from one street to the next but for me there is a sense of quiet in the heart of all that sound, that noise, I call it silent noise.

We spent the day in the natural history museum which my cousin and Tarynn really enjoyed I am not not all that into museums but obviously found some things of interest. Mostly the planetarium , visually was one of the most amazing visual experiences I have ever had.

We walked through central park to the bear statue. Now the bear statue for Tarynn and I is a statue we hold dear as ir is one of a childhood memory. We visited this very statue with my mom when I was 11 and Tarynn was 10, we climbed up onto the bears with my mother like little super heroes and screamed. Yesterday amongst many people we reenacted out childhood memory and this for me brought a great big smile as I slid off my bear whilst holding his ear.

We made our way home in rush hour , riding the trains from station to stain, all I can say is, Im thankful for air conditioning.

As we got home there was a major rainstorm, thunder,lightning water everywhere, it was beautiful, the air still humid my skin still warm, i allowed the drops of rain to fall on me so I could cool off. "I like this rain"

Not everyone in our party likes New York but I goes New York is not for everybody just like any other place in the world, thats why we are all so very different.

I myself am happy to wake up once again in this beautiful City.

Outer Banks

I find it really hard to post when I'm feeling emotionally unstable, over tired, quite depressed with exasperated emotional energy.

In some aspects this road trip has been very testing, every ones different personalities, how we all clash at times and how very different we are to each other sometimes causing very heated arguments that turn into very aggressive and hurtful fights.

I'm pretty much run down from all that BUT I understand its all part of the journey and we all learn through these experiences (hopefully) our experiences as we see as well as our dynamics with one another.

Even with our tiring outburst I have found the beauty in the last few days, the beauty not only in the deep love we do in fact have for one another but for the last part of our trip where we have explore what you call 'the outer banks" on the east coast of the USA. Basically we have crossed ferries, tunnels and bridges that cross oceans to get to different islands where we have been embodied by sea and as we drive, the roads have basically been embodied by water on both sides, I find this to be magical. I was in awe of how bridges were built to cross an entire bay, I love an Island called Ocracoke , really quaint little beach time, we stayed in the first hotel ever built on the island called Blackbeard Lodge and you could tell, it was beautiful, with old maps and moldy walls, the hall ways were green reminiscent of ghostlike pirates lurking. Our room was like a cabin, we loved it. We spent the day on the beach swimming in very warm water, nothing like CapeTown- WARM.

Yesterday for the most part we spent the day driving through the outer banks stopping for a swim in a very calm sea, it was like a lake r a dam, you could walk miles and still not be deep enough to go under.
It was a mesmerizing drive, sea on both sides,white sand dunes and massive seagulls gliding just in front of the car,playing chicken.

We arrived in a town called Ocean City and its a real American broad walk on the sea and I actually love it. The beach goes on and on and the broad walk is exciting with shops and restraints and a 'fun fair'
My sister and I ended up having a disagreement,a massive argument a fight in volumes after a dinner, what started out as me being confused about simple math ended up in intense emotional battles, so there we were on the boardwalk arguing, of course when I'm upset I don't see anyone or anything else, so if people are watching it doesn't phase me, even when I stomp my feet screaming "don't you fucking talk to me like the" The argument as usual ended up in us ignoring each other and so it hangs. I never know what to do from here, ignorance is bliss, or dare to dwell?

I plan to rent a bike now and ride to the end of the boardwalk, have a swim and get on the road to New York City.

Our road trip is coming to an end soon and I am beginning to feel it and it feels kind of sad. Ive decided to stay in New York an extra week so at least my travels are not over just yet but in my mind travels are never really over, I travel even when I'm home sitting on the couch with my dog.

In the garden of good and evil

After staying into good hotels, one being in the french quarter in New Orleans , truly with the setting of being in france itself to a hotel on Pensicola beach in Florida we have had pretty bad luck with accommodation since then with last night being the worst by far.

We drove into Savannah Georgia with the hope to couch surf up until we reached our destination. Ginger who would of been our host was probably the most eccentric woman I have met with eclectic home I have ever had the pleasure of visiting. As we walked through her house and into her back yard filled with make shift places to sleep 3 dogs and chickens one in our group asked to go to the toilet and upon returning informed me that he would be waiting on the street. This sparked my interest in what the toilet looked like. It was a toilet behind four sheer curtains, an open plan bathroom in an open planned house, the shower/bath was outside with the chickens.

Tarynn and I spent some time chatting and having a beverage with her as not to offend her by just leaving. She was explaining to us how she builds every thing followed by "all i need is a wife, but I'm not homesexual, I'm 67 I'm too old to be anything"

I found our time with her intriguing and am very glad I met her. Spending the night was clearly not going to work, for some it was a culture shock and yet again Tarynn was disappointed as she was trying to share a couch surfing experience with us and yet again it did not work out.

I find it fascinating how different we all are as humans, some of us who see her home as a slum and refuse to even stay there to have a drink , some of us who are polite enough to just hang around and have a drink and some of us who really wouldn't mind staying there at all.

So we made our way to Savannah suites and quite frankly this place is such a dump we may as well  of stayed with ginger, The room smells like urine, theres hair everywhere and nothing freaks me out more than hair and after sleeping in this bed my skin is itchy. I am glad to get out of this shit hole.

Savannah itself is the best town we have visited so far. It is a beautiful city with endless parks. The trees are full of moss. The streets with cafes. It is a student town and there is a lot of people watching to be done. The buildings are dreamlike, the whole town is like a story book. I loose myself to the moss in the trees,this enchanting little town with a magical feel. Unfortunately we only had a few hours so i feel like I need to return and explore Savannah some more. I noticed how friendly everyone here is , how flirtatious the girls are. I could get lost here for months. I imagine this to be a place where my mind could be creatively free.

Yesterday was a long day, it was emotionally draining and all of us seemed to have been bit by zombies. As I drove us through three states to get to Florida it was as if my muscle memory was doing the driving and I was not there at all.

As we left New Orleans there was an emotional explosion. Most would think it would be Tarynn and I would almost kill each other but it ended being the most unlikely of the two who almost killed one an other and this set us off into a very long quiet day of very heavy long silences that were powerfully emotional and draining.

Thankfully Florida happened. Once we arrived in Florida at night fall we met up wit Tarynns ex mother in law who is a hoot had a lovely dinner and set out to find somewhere to sleep. First we ended up at a seedy motel on the wrong side of the tracks. After looking at the grotty , sleazy , humid room I had a bad feeling and decided to move on. As we drove off we could tell or rather I could tell it was one of those motels where you go to drink,drug and fuck- I was surprised they didn't charge by the hour.

Eventually we ended up at a hotel on the Pensacola beach. Sure it was above our budget but I have no problem paying for comfort and once the others had there feet on the sand of the beach they too were satisfied with the price we were paying.

This morning was a beautiful start for me. Like every other morning I woke early, the difference between this morning and other mornings is that I got to walk on the beach, feel the sun rise on my skin,hear the ocean as it calmed me,I sat there , my mind silent for the first time in a long time, peaceful.

We just had a swim. The water here is like warm bath water, you could swim for hours and if we didn't have to hit the road I would of swam for hours.

We set off up the coast of Florida now, where we will find white beaches and clear blue water.

Where am I now?

Sadly we leave New Orleans tomorrow. This city is alive. There is music playing even when there is no music playing. There is a natural feeling of euphoria and manic likeness. I feel uppity even in my sleep I want to move. I feel the dance from the streets of New Orleans filling my body with music and energy. Its a thriving energy one i can't describe, all I know is my body moves even when its quite I find myself dancing.

It kind of gives me the same feeling as an urban burning man. Its nothing like burning man but theres this feel. How on every corner there is a performer or an act or a show, theres constantly something beautiful. Whether it be a musician or a dancer or a homeless guy pushing a bike with his dog sitting in the basket on front. It makes me feel less depressed as in more alive as in There are so many interesting characters, characters I could sit and watch for hours and sometimes do.

I watched an old man get down to some street jazz and I found him fascinating. He did dance like nobody was watching and like the whole world was watching at the same time as in he was so free an uninhibited he couldn't give a damn who was watching and every one that was watching , me, the world was loving him. I watched him for a long while because with every beat that he moved to and the more I watched him 'get down' was every beat that i felt a sense of 'euphoria' as in a smug happiness of sorts.

Ive found New Orleans to be a drug, an anti depressant type formula, only I have to leave tomorrow and my drug will be gone but I can hold that I found a place that made me smile with the sadness.

I could go on writing about Bourbon street being a tourist trap but we even had fun with that. Actually i found myself watching a stripper trying to coax people into her strip club and I watched closely because in her I could see the same things I see in myself and we are worlds a part but she had the saddest eyes. Sure she was probably high but with every 'transaction' she made her body language would cower and her head would lower and she would see me watching her , she looked directly at me , a half smile that said "i know"

Anyway enough with the sad sod stuff.

I am tired out, a lot of energy, a lot of walking, a lot of blisters, a lot of heat with great rainstorms in 37 degrees I love that. I just had a swim and I love that too. There always going to be things you don't like in a place or a person or yourself and it be right or not but there are always things you're going to love in a place or a person or yourself.

Tomorrow we make our way to a swamp, maybe we can see some alligators, I might feed a couple of people to them;) then we head of ftp Florida. And the way we go.

"Before Elvis there was nothing" John Lennon

I a sad taste in my mouth as we Left the ranch and made our way to Memphis. Once we reached Memphis it was 37 degrees, hot as hell and so humid, my clothes stuck to my skin. I didn't like Memphis very much, to me it was a big tourist trap, Beale street I imagine way back when was sweet jazz and blues droning the streets with soothing sounds of the night. I could see Elvis Presley walking down the street falling through bar to bar with his entourage of people, smiling with that killer wicked curl of the lip.

Sadly this is Beal street no more, Now we have souvenir shop after souvenir shop with masses of tourists, watching kids flip flop in the streets. Sure theres still jazz but not as authentic as before, its a fucking tourist magnet , end of. I hated the crowds of people sticking to me as the sweat stuck to my skin, I had enough from the moment I got there.

Graceland however to me personally was definitely worth my time. For those who don't know Elvis Presley's Graceland, he built lived and died. I really found it fascinated , I could even sense things or his presence that was once there. I was fascinated at how over the top he was in everything, cars homes,clothes everything, extravagant - I love it! The rooms in his house so beautifully mastered and creatively competed. He had 3 or 4 entertainment room each with different themes and each very inspiring. I have always liked Elvis, I was brought up on Elvis as it filtered through my moms diner where I spent a lot of my childhood days. I wanted to dance like Elvis, Sing Like Elvis , Meet Elvis, hell I even wanted to be Elvis. So yes I am one of those suckers who honestly enjoyed every attraction of Graceland and the the time line life line of Elvis.

I smile at Memphis from this view and this view only, it was not or is not my favorite city and now that I have visited Graceland I doubt I would ever go back. You know cities can be like people , you don't always gel or just because you're in the same place at the same time does not mean you're going to like the same things or each other for that matter, so if Memphis don't like me and I don't like Memphis I'm down with that.

Way Down South

We were on the road for a long time , the road seemed to go on and on and there was no end, I was driving and after some time panic struck, everything hit me, my chest closed in and one moment I was driving the next I was lost in some anxiety ball. Tarynn could sense something was wrong and we pulled over, I couldn't understand it. I tell you this because a few minutes later we stopped on the side of the road next to a lake and went for a swim. When I dove in all that angst just went away with the water, I swam the nerves out and it was incredible. That swim is one of the things I will remember most about this trip. And so....

We have spent a beautiful few days way down south in a little town Mc Burg in Tennessee. We were staying in a ranch with the Buford family , who Tarynn like to call her American grandparents and I feel honored to share the same sentiment about them.

I woke up every morning at 6am to a fresh pot of coffee and sat out on the porch of a timber built house, rocking on my chair taking in the view of rolling hills,cows doing what ever it is that cows do, horses grazing and 'my' Jesse a three year old Border Collie running up and down the ranch after the animals the cars, she even played Frisbee with herself as in she would pick he Frisbee up , throw it in the air and catch it. I have never seen anything like it.

Mornings were my most favorite because Joanne "American Grand Ma" and I would sit on that porch and we would chat. I would listen to her stories about living all over the world, more personal things and then just trivial things too. It was special for me because I felt a connection a real connection and it is not that often I have these connections in life of late. We would go from rocking on our chairs while I smoked and she spoke to the kitchen where she would fix us up some breakfast.

We were spoilt. 

I won't forget how Glenn drove us all round the farm, picking figs from trees for me to eat. As I ate my figs he picked apples for the horses. We spent some time with the horses, beautiful beasts,beautiful beings. Glenn (American grand pa) too us to a real southern barbecue. We not talking braai, we talking pig. They roast them some pig and we eat it with potatoes and beans. As we walked into the hall he loved introducing "these are my friends from SouthAfrica" I don't think half the people knew what he was talking about. Tarynn and I returned to the hall later that afternoon to watch a 'baby-10 year old beauty contest' At first I found it to be hilarious and then disgusting. Watching the parents giving them commands such as "jump,fetch,sit" only "blow kiss,twirl.smile" The agony on there faces when there kids didn't win.

This morning sadly we had to leave the life of the ranch and the home of the Bufords. Saying good bye was not easy for me. I not only bonded with Jesse the dog but also with what I now feel to be 'a part of my life' As every other day I had my Coffee with Joanne, I smoked and listened to her stories as she told them so beautifully. I could sit out on that porch and listen to her for hours. Glenn gave me some more figs as a parting gift, as I hugged Jesse goodbye, my eyes watered-a league and the feeling of loss she It was time to leave hit me suddenly-I didn't realize what I was feeling til now.

I am really glad i can always find a home deep down south in Tennessee.

Compatible you compatible me?

We travelled through Virginia making a stop for a night at Tarynns trans sexual friend. It was both uncomfortable and interesting. Not Uncomfortable because he is now a she. It was sharing a very close space with her and her two very large dobermans. When we arrived she had all her lights off.  Apparently she preferred it this way. I kept thinking to myself ,"I can't fucking see' and then my cousin said "I'm going to as you what may sound like a really stupid question. But do you have lights?" I chuckled inside. The lights were put on and finally I could see. Nix rambled on about Ferrari's, and having to find girls who like girls, I related to that. In fact I related to a lot of the 'emotional' stuff, obviously not the sex change emotional stuff. We both obsessed with our pets, we both stay at home and never see anybody, we both searching for love in all the wrong places. Anyway once she was done talking cars and chicks it was my cue to go to bed, where things were a little more awkward as I shared a bed with my cousin. Apparently I breathe very loudly when I sleep and as a result no body wants to sleep anywhere near me, so this resulted in him sleeping at my feet, But nothing phases me as I sleep, I am after all drugged out on sleep meds for the bi polar you know.

You know sometimes I don't think we realize, or maybe I don't realize how much easier or how much more complicated life can be and how much more complicated we can make it for ourselves. Of course I do not believe we can always choose our emotional or even our emotional reaction to things, perhaps we can alter them some what or learn to manage them somehow. I think what I am learning is even on my darkest days and there are a lot of dark days there is always a way out, even if I just stand in the light for just a moment, that moment in the light shines in me and takes me through those days. (I'm ranting-moving on)

We have reached a lovely little town called Ashville in North Carolina, Of course Tarynn(sister) and I fought quite a bit and when we fight it gets vicious , nasty, pure ugly but when I argue with someone I normally expect to be the best of friends a few seconds later. We fight about the most ridiculous things too, such as my apparent bad driving and apparent almost killing cyclists , of course these fights are not about these trivial things, they are just camouflage for something deeper. And after the screams and the tears there comes traffic a lot of traffic and in the traffic comes silliness and with the silliness comes laughter, so there it is a little tears a little laugh, its great release. I just have to add I LOVE being silly, really very silly.

Anyway we arrived in the beautiful town of Ashville.

Ashville is like a mini San Francisco, there is music coming out from almost every corner, art galleries sprawled all over town, electic mix of electric people. We spent the day getting lost in the streets where I found myself eating the best burger Ive had so far. Boutique shops and live music, dogs everywhere(i love)We chased throughout the streets following Tarynn in and out of guitar shops as she tried to find her match,returning again to town we she ate vegetarian whilst I sat and chatted whilst listening to a hawker play the trumpet. We will spend another day exploring Ashville tomorrow. We have decided to stay two nights, it just feels right, right now.

As I sit on the bed in a motel 8 , listening to some Mexicans arguing outside, I reflect on my day and try to centre myself. I ask "where are you now? How do I feel?" I answer, "I am with me, I am with you I am with us.""I still feel like somethings missing in me"

"philly"

Ive been sitting in the corner on a floor in the dark in a days inn hotel room waiting for the others to wake up. A motel I will add would do well as a mental hospital and looks like it has been designed as exactly that, scarier than any actual 'psyche ward' I have ever visited.

its difficult being an early riser when everyone else wakes up at a more convenient time. I wake up and as quiet as I can possibly be I get dressed leave the room , and explore a bit of the city we are in. the thing is when I return to the room , well today when I returned to the room it was still in darkness my cousin fast asleep as my sister meditated, i found my self sitting on the edge of the bath waiting , just waiting for that moment that light went on so I could come alive and so it happened.

We spent the night in Philly and It is a wonderful city. Its vibrant and laid back, we walked 16 blocks until we reached the old city where I trued a 'philladelphia cheese steak' which actually sounds better than what it is. I love people watching , so as I ate my 'steak' which was actually strips of meat in a baguette with melted cheese, i watched as people walked by.

As we walked home my sister offered a homeless woman my leftovers, the woman offered her a choice of $2 or $5, Tarynn declined.
I find this a moment worth remembering.

Strolling though the streets of philadelphia.

the done list

Exhausted. Its possible you know: Long drives, fairs, pick the duck win a zebra,hike through forests,eat pancakes,more forests,cookie dough chocolate chip cookie ice cream,book mills,pagodas,more forests,home grown,ice tea, soda on the sly, tomato fest,blues,natural springs,stone hedges,bees,slip and slides,corn on the cob,gooseberries,discomfort,comfort,smiles,hugs,long shirts,short pants,dogs,cats,tag stores,pick up trucks,light,police,drive on the wrong side,maple yogurt,barns,angel cards,kettle corn,corvette,flags,walk,talk,listen,stop,go,no show,

don't stop my jump

Initially I would of said the highlight of my day was drinking a thick vanilla milkshake in a pharmacy, that was until I reached a beautiful gorge where i found myself flying of a cliff into some clear dark water.

There was a lesson in the events that lead to the time between the steps before My body and mind sprung off the cliff and the 30 minutes where I had to condition myself to do so. Naturally I was convinced I would climb up those rocks , reach the point of jump and off I would fly but No it was nothing of the sort. I reached the point of jump and froze. I debated for half an hour, should I should I not, what if I break my back, what if i drown, "god damn this is high" , okay lets jump, freeze, sit down, contemplate. The I stood there peering over into the water trying to decide if my weight would take me right to the bottom and bam. Finally I was about to jump when I literally felt a force stop me. I said to my sister " I want to jump but something keeps stopping me", "just like life Carey, there are always things we want to do and we always allow things to stop us" that was it , I got up , I didn't look down and without knowing I was screaming as i fell through the air and hit the water. Sure i hit my ass and it hurt, I touched the ground with my feet and the water went up my nose but I pushed through that force that wanted to stop me and I felt free and exhilarated because I chose to jump no matter what my fears may of been.

After playing in the streams and the waterfalls we made our way home and all the way home as i sat in my wet costume feeling cold , i had my window open and a smile that matched the wind that touched my face.

A beautiful end to a magical day.

Throw up

As I reached American soil I had one mission and that was to get outside and light up but of course it was not that simple, first immigration then customs. Luckily I had a flirtatious encounter at immigration and breezed through customs, unfortunately my cousin was stopped. I was obviously concerned as he has not travelled alone before and tried to wait for him as long as I could for him before I was shooed away.
Waiting between the door where I could smell that sweet outlet of smoke and the door of frustrating know not how. The wait seemed like hours of worry but was probably only 10 minutes. Finally he came out and finally I went outside and before I knew it I had a cigarette pressed between my lips with smoke filling my chest, flamed. I'm sure this is not satisfying to many but to me it is most satisfying.

My sister arrived and in slow motion she 'ran' to me , we hugged and then instantly it was as if we saw each other just yesterday when really just yesterday was a year ago.

We got on the road and began the drive to her home in Shelburne falls. It was not an easy drive for me as I felt incredibly nauseous and before I knew the contents of my stomach decided to take flight out the window, hitting the back window and whatever car might of been just next ti=o us at the time. Thinking back now it was comical. A t the time it was like I was purging every ugly emotional thing that has been sitting with me for weeks and once I did I felt instantly relieved.

As we traveled we found ourselves off the road under huge trees and cornfields , playing and laughing and being absurd. For example for those who have ever seen the films 'Children of the Corn' we spent some time reenacting some of those scenes , pictures taken that freaked even us out.

Finally we arrived at Tarynns (my sisters) humble home. I went straight to bed , and now I am wide awake to venture more, all aware....

After taking a year sabbatical from my blog I have decided to return at the beginning of a new journey. Tonight at 8:45pm i set off with My 19 year old Cousin to meet up with my sister in New york. Together the three of us will embark on a 3 and a half road trip through the mid Atlantic states, to the south and up the east coast/outer banks heading back to New York.

So a road trip with three unique individuals with diverse personalities that I would describe as beautiful freaks who will discover and rediscover themselves, their relationships with each other. A trip documented by each using different mediums to follow the quest, the agreements,the disagreements, the emotional,the emotionless,the beauty,the brave,the insecurities the growth the power of family of people.

The medium I choose to document the 'quest' is photography,writing and this here blog. For those who want to follow a very honest picture of my life through this journey visited by other beings,may follow freely.

My first entry:

I have an issue with flying. To the point that I need to take anxiety pills. whilst flying, unfortunately my mind wanders to falling planes and nothingness between my feet. I have to prepare myself for days. I know its ridiculous but its just one of those ' i don't want to die' feelings, which actually is quite strange for someone who has been suicidal at times.

Anyhow, this morning as I sat outside having a cigarette a mass flock of birds flew over me, they were close enough to reach out and touch. I smiled as I never had seen so many birds before and never had I experienced so many birds flying so low before. As I finished my cigarette they returned, this time even lower, i could almost feel the wind from there flight, I looked into the sky and felt calmed at the idea that this was an omen, a good omen that I have no need to fear flying and perhaps I can be calm with out my anti anxiety pills. (Okay maybe not without the pills just yet) but I am calmed by the flight of a thousand birds.

Tonight I wish to sleep peacefully as we soar through the sky on a 747. Tomorrow is a new day.