admissions

After a numbing two day race to get here, that felt a bit like the tortoise and he hare, me being both competitors, finally managed to admit myself into "my"psychiatric clinic at 12:45 today. still feel as if am partaking in that race now. unable to sit still for longer then 15 minutes, even here find "stuff" to do. 'We' are watching a movie now, its been on for half an hour. in that half n hour have managed to bug security thrice to let me out for a smoke (I see the door is finally permanently open) have been with the nurses twice to enquire about my meds and to charge my phone, have been to mr oom to jot down notes on how should look into finding an old villa in italy, live in a stable in Limnos, find a gay tour group through europe, a flight of other random ideas will refrain from sharing. 

It is obvious to me mania stirs at night-but it is not the obvious kind as it resides mainly in me ( not jumping around as such) may even seem mellowed out. how feel.

Happy here. unhappy that my family has faded away. am pissed that know where or how my dog is- it hurts me that it seems unimportatnt to some that am away because sick- instead they pretend that its something do for fun or they completely ignore the existance of my very being when decide to be here-true out of sight out of mind.

I deny the rejection or the pain but have strength in the knowing that there is in fact with all my fragility a strenth in me that many do not know--- ilove 

Tomorrow may wake a little sedated or my worst-a bit like a zombie but okay for its only a transition into a stronger me- am here not only because need to be (I'm bipolar-with mixed states/rapid cycling/as a result need to be double dosed and kicked back into a 'mormalk' mood state) no am here because choose to be here, because choose to take care of me- want to use,I dont want to die- want to be free- if no other 'grown up wants to help' am the grown up! change of plans- in bed, my ears are red hot/ will sleep soundly.