Oh today I struggle to say exactly how it is that I feel. I know that I am not all together. Bits and pieces scattered here and there, far,close,UN obtainable,easy to get, free,locked up.
It;s exhausting trying to pick up those pieces , let alone find them. Fractured am i.
I am calm at the moment and that is a very good thing. Tired so very tired. I exhaust myself with thoughts, feelings fade away and come back again. I love , I don't, i do again.
Oh how many ways there are to love and I love so deeply, pure to my heart, it is real. Oh to hate, I hate just as deeply, should be impure but when it is pure my heart is black.Is hate acceptable if its balanced by love? I doubt that. I can honestly say hate is a useless emotion. it comes easily but it is sad and probably on the most part untrue. Hate stems from love a love that's been hurt a love that's been used. So really hate is love for you cant "hat" someone that you truly love. I do not hate you. I do not hate me. Some days i have no hope or drive or meaning but actually my drive is what keeps me, my hope is what reminds me how to walk and not fall, meaning is what is around me.
I watch my dog sleep and I smile from my soul. As I eat my nan's roast lamb and home made mint sauce, i eat it and become consumed with the love she put into the meal, specially for me. She knows it's my favourite and holds me close as she prepares her roast. I take it in, i hold it close, i feel loved.
Skype with my sister as I show her my new abode. We talk, we see each other on the screen and with every word, action, the way she pulls the skin on her face and I copy. Every single second we are loved.
My mom as she sews, reminding me of my youth, wine next to sewing machine, she smiles from being her glasses, the look from her eyes, the instinctual mom, motherly love in that moment i am held.
When my dad calls just to see how I am doing, am I at home, the tone of his voice when its smooth and sincere, that little second I know "dad"
The "chat" with my therapist who has a way with me, not only her words but the way she sounds. Real,caring but careful. That gap in between the caring to careful, i feel loved.
When i unpack my boxes and in the motion of seeing, who I am and what I want, I know today I do have the hope vibe felt in my being. I stop and listen to what I need. In that moment I am loved.
When an old friend and sometimes love:) contacts me through a blog entry by leaving a comment, I remember her,i miss her and as I read I'm in her thoughts her heart, I know, I am loved.
I do not have a lover a girlfriend, friends with benefits, a wife at this time. I don't need to right now . I obviously wouldn't mind. Not for the sex, or the companionship (those are good to) no, for that feeling of being "in love" that turns to true love, I know just by knowing that that's what I want, i know I am capable of more then passion and that feeling in me -love.
I know you are love, we are love, i am love -----LOVE
It;s exhausting trying to pick up those pieces , let alone find them. Fractured am i.
I am calm at the moment and that is a very good thing. Tired so very tired. I exhaust myself with thoughts, feelings fade away and come back again. I love , I don't, i do again.
Oh how many ways there are to love and I love so deeply, pure to my heart, it is real. Oh to hate, I hate just as deeply, should be impure but when it is pure my heart is black.Is hate acceptable if its balanced by love? I doubt that. I can honestly say hate is a useless emotion. it comes easily but it is sad and probably on the most part untrue. Hate stems from love a love that's been hurt a love that's been used. So really hate is love for you cant "hat" someone that you truly love. I do not hate you. I do not hate me. Some days i have no hope or drive or meaning but actually my drive is what keeps me, my hope is what reminds me how to walk and not fall, meaning is what is around me.
I watch my dog sleep and I smile from my soul. As I eat my nan's roast lamb and home made mint sauce, i eat it and become consumed with the love she put into the meal, specially for me. She knows it's my favourite and holds me close as she prepares her roast. I take it in, i hold it close, i feel loved.
Skype with my sister as I show her my new abode. We talk, we see each other on the screen and with every word, action, the way she pulls the skin on her face and I copy. Every single second we are loved.
My mom as she sews, reminding me of my youth, wine next to sewing machine, she smiles from being her glasses, the look from her eyes, the instinctual mom, motherly love in that moment i am held.
When my dad calls just to see how I am doing, am I at home, the tone of his voice when its smooth and sincere, that little second I know "dad"
The "chat" with my therapist who has a way with me, not only her words but the way she sounds. Real,caring but careful. That gap in between the caring to careful, i feel loved.
When i unpack my boxes and in the motion of seeing, who I am and what I want, I know today I do have the hope vibe felt in my being. I stop and listen to what I need. In that moment I am loved.
When an old friend and sometimes love:) contacts me through a blog entry by leaving a comment, I remember her,i miss her and as I read I'm in her thoughts her heart, I know, I am loved.
I do not have a lover a girlfriend, friends with benefits, a wife at this time. I don't need to right now . I obviously wouldn't mind. Not for the sex, or the companionship (those are good to) no, for that feeling of being "in love" that turns to true love, I know just by knowing that that's what I want, i know I am capable of more then passion and that feeling in me -love.
I know you are love, we are love, i am love -----LOVE
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