I Collect...

Ive been crying most of the day. I am feeling very sensitive but Im not interested in repeating something that should hold no value. Instead i will share a little absurd part of me.

I am one who loves to collect things, Things that I like and most of them are silly little trinkets, I love that I am interested in keeping stuff. Never getting rid of it, I suppose that could be a comparrison on how i am with people, feelings, not just things. I am a collector and these images that follow are a small percentage of the things I tend to keep a lot of....

unbind me

I am so tired of people walking all over me. It makes me question myself, my integrity. I remember I had a 1 night stand once, I was unaware that it was a one night stand. I remember clearly the awkwardness I felt when I woke the next day. I turned to kiss her and with that she turned her face. I was devastated but tried not to show it. I got into my car and cried like a baby, realising I would never touch her again. I think I became a little obsessive for a while, just slightly. I honestly don't do rejection very well. She was a direct link to my social circle so it wasn't like I could avoid her and if I recall I tried to kiss her almost every time. I guess it was also because I had gone through an ugly break up before her and when we romped around in her beautiful bed together, it took all that hurt away. I believe this was the time in my life when I just discovered cocaine and after her the cocaine became my lover for a while. The point is when I finally let go of this one night stand, I wrote her a poem (yes yes) and she was aware of my new party life, photographer image I had going for myself. So what she said to me in parting has stuck with me to this day, I often repeat it to myself, she may of harmed me and I went into it with all the risks as she's one of those 'straight' girls. She said to me "Carey don't loose your integrity" and so I sit here asking myself today, "don't loose your integrity??" It is amazing what sticks with you, unbeknown to her that sentence has often guided me.


I guess one night stands aren't all that bad, I'm just not the kind of person who can do them with integrity.  


In the beginning I said, I'm sick of people walking all over me, I am soft my nature,caring all or nothing for those I love, mostly everything and these parts of me are probably exactly why I need to pay more attention to myself and who i let in to my life. Maybe I'm walked all over because I allow it or maybe I'm just entwined with the wrong people? Time will tell. I do however need to set more boundaries for myself, if they were more defined I would be stronger, have more power.


to boundaries---- a concept I have been working on for many many many years.

...my soul to keep

I'm afraid I'm far too tired today. I drag myself to bed, to lay down my pretty head, awake not, asleep instead, I am alive, un dead.


night

Love is a talkative passion

Oh today I struggle to say exactly how it is that I feel. I know that I am not all together. Bits and pieces scattered here and there, far,close,UN obtainable,easy to get, free,locked up. 
It;s exhausting trying to pick up those pieces , let alone find them. Fractured am i. 


I am calm at the moment and that is a very good thing. Tired so  very tired. I exhaust myself with thoughts, feelings fade away and come back again. I love , I don't, i do again. 


Oh how many ways there are to love and I love so deeply, pure to my heart, it is real. Oh to hate, I hate just as deeply, should be impure but when it is pure my heart is black.Is hate acceptable if its balanced by love? I doubt that. I can honestly say hate is a useless emotion. it comes easily but it is sad and probably on the most part untrue. Hate stems from love a love that's been hurt a love that's been used. So really hate is love for you cant "hat" someone that you truly love. I do not hate you. I do not hate me. Some days i have no hope or drive or meaning but actually my drive is what keeps me, my hope is what reminds me how to walk and not fall, meaning is what is around me.


I watch my dog sleep and I smile from my soul. As I eat my nan's roast lamb and home made mint sauce, i eat it and become consumed with the love she put into the meal, specially for me. She knows it's my favourite and holds me close as she prepares her roast. I take it in, i hold it close, i feel loved.


Skype with my sister as I show her my new abode. We talk, we see each other on the screen and with every word, action, the way she pulls the skin on her face and I copy. Every single second we are loved.


My mom as she sews, reminding me of my youth, wine next to sewing machine, she smiles from being her glasses, the look from her eyes, the instinctual mom, motherly love in that moment i am held.


When my dad calls just to see how I am doing, am I at home, the tone of his voice when its smooth and sincere, that little second I know "dad"


The "chat" with my therapist who has a way with me, not only her words but the way she sounds. Real,caring but careful. That gap in between the caring to careful, i feel loved.


When i unpack my boxes and in the motion of seeing, who I am and what I want, I know today I do have the hope vibe felt in my being. I stop and listen to what I need. In that moment I am loved.


When an old friend and sometimes love:) contacts me through a blog entry by leaving a comment, I remember her,i miss her and as I read I'm in her thoughts her heart, I know, I am loved.


I do not have a lover a girlfriend, friends with benefits, a wife at this time. I don't need to right now . I obviously wouldn't mind. Not for the sex, or the companionship (those are good to) no, for that feeling of being "in love" that turns to true love, I know just by knowing that that's what I want, i know I am capable of more then passion and that feeling in me -love.


I know you are love, we are love, i am love -----LOVE

another rap song

What I am about to put down here may be embarrassing, to that I say so what. It's a part of me and it got me laughing. It also made me realise I have enjoyed rhyming from a very early age.

I have spent most of my day unpacking boxes as i try to settle in my new home. Suffocated by "stuff" that is not me nor mine. Bits and pieces from my step mother. It is going to take some getting used to. I am a Taurus, through and through (for that which of star signs are true and really anyone can have parts of any star sign) still a Taurus a homebody. So getting used to this 'stuff' will take some time.

I am thankful for the things I've found in my boxes. Discarded becomes alive again. That's where the inspiration for this entry comes in. In my youth I like writing 'songs','Rap' songs I have come across two of those today and for me it's very entertaining.....

1988--- 9years old: there were three of us, my sister,my cousin and myself, this 'song was for all of us.

The Rap Band

Jus: Rap------

Ta:  Rap------

Carey: Rap-----

All: Rap------

All: Rap is the kinda thing we like to do

       all the time we do it we do it with a shoe

Jus: Now for Carey

Care: My name is Carey I like to sing rap

        I sing it all the time with my gang called Cat

Care: Now for Tarynn

Ta: My name is Tarynn I sleep all the time

      I like to eat my breakfast but not every kind

TA: Now for Justin

Jus: Ive got a little sickness its not very nice

       I cant do all the fun but I have to pay the price

       but anyway

All: Now for all us three

All: Thats the facts we all like to say

        and we will be on our way

        123   The Rap Band

1997------- 18 years old (back in the day I thought I was a gangsta, these lyrics are alot like adolescent poetry)

Going into the past of something that didn't last.

Want to die not stay alive just wait and give me a chance to survive.

I know i got what it takes so come get what I got.

Trust me people that's a whole lot.

Don't stop me now for the depression of this session

is the reason of confession

in believing that we can survive

without love and stay alive

Dead is my mind

no more feelings to find

Holding the gun to my head

while they all saying "go ahead"

pull the trigger "BANG"

no way stop that thing!

Bullets of deception

that's one mistake that needs correction

You know its wrong all the lyrics of this song

Taking a life is wrong she thinks

I cant tell you how much it stinks

so give me a chance

take the thoughts away and allow me to dance

Dance to the mythical tune of reciprocal

thoughts that were meant to repent

And there you go, by analysing these, I have always crossed the boundaries of depression. Deep....

To the psyche ward and beyond....

Be sure tio play this song whilst you go through this entry. Come on, you can do it, press play :_)

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

I took a trip to the psyche ward. I cant say I really saw it coming but I knew once it was advised. Months are a blur to me, everything rushing past me, stagnant with sadness , touched with mania , that doesn't stop, it slides.


I was a rapid cycler for a while. Which means I was manic and low at the same time, a dangerous place to be. Impulsive behaviour that could set me off in any way, good,bad,ugly,evil. I couldn't just sit and be me, something took over my core and my being wandered off to nowhere, but everywhere I could see.
Missioning without a reason and no point, give or take I screamed silently.


At first the manic me was delightfully inviting. Busy,UN moved,thrilling, anything I could be. Then came the sadness, a slight depression, riding fast on thoughts, with no purpose and no point. Thoughts of harm to myself, and maybe even some harm done. I still did not use, some say a miracle, I say it is just what it is. I became stuck and needed to change my meds to become unstuck.


This is where the journey to Psyche and beyond came in. I arrived,scared. Even though I have been twice before, I was still nervous. The stigma attached to going to a psychiatric ward, is dreary. I still am treated by my father as if I have done something wrong. Hello I chose to go somewhere to keep myself alive and healthy. Changed the meds,fought with nurses, learnt how to be my own support. Conversation about sex and cars and cars and sex, like a real "one of the guys situation" I found old friends and realised i still have the same feelings, I will always. I made new friends. I can trust other insane fellow, as we are the same but unique. I ate bad food, but I ate properly. I played pool,listened to music and wrote excessively. All in all I am happy I went in and wouldn't want it any other way, for I am true when I say I have come out stronger, much stronger then before.


I love being me, with all my 'labels', faults, beauty,insecurity, love. I have things to work on and how boring would life be if there was nothing to work on, no one to work with.


The pictures to follow are pictures I took on route to nut house, in the loony bin and on my way back, but I did not go back I came to a new home, so there to in to here i went, I go...

I have been gone for a while- i am not back yet

a smile in my soul

Am so tired. today was a lot of things. it was beautiful,desirable,sad,fun, laughed,criedand my eyes teared up when was the only one who could make a baby laugh,go gaga. yes there is a 5 month old baby in the psyche ward,I joked that here because bipolar and been friends since.
I have fought and raged with nurses today. never been good with any kind of authority,in this case they are mistaken as they are not my authority and made that very clear,I cried as fought, then had a 'chat' explained that very sensitive,why got angry and they 'she' apologised. probably should of,instead she got one ove my naughty smiles.

I do need to tone down on my sensitivity and maybe work on my anger.I know,my motive was right,maybe my reaction was not.

S qaurreled ussing oldfasioned swear words, this same mouth matched with my eyeshas laughed with a baba,talked closely and deeply from the heart with a 'friend'
Point is there is a lot to me,in me - haave sadness but am glad can express this. have emotional instabily but know can be comfortable with it.

I can cry and laugh at the same time and its special.

Sleep

dazede

A devil died,inside

Only to wake up again,insane

An evils root ,I confide

Never to feel from restrain

Must of known the mist

Was shallow in that kind

Of yelllow sun behind

Hold myself as a fist

To die from when

A fight again

Behind the depths in raw of red

The fire lights the soul,the devil fed

A perfect heart,a lie

Rose up from death , deny

That swollen path it drew

From my hand its pen

The devil died again.

lullaby (sp)

faded

Never Win


 dont need to need you
Tell me what to do
Tell me what to say
Dont you wanna help me
Tell me what to do
Help me find a way
If I was not me
I would hate me too
Just like you do
I dont need to need you
Tell me what to do
Tell me what to say

Its all made worse by a simple scheme
Youre slipping away from me
Cant decide sometimes if its worth the point
The point is the struggle, insecurity

Hopefully, you make no mistake
If you learn from what youve got to take
Good or bad, its all gonna add up in the end but,
You can never win.

Chorus x 1

And its the desperation to hold on to
Something that cant be held on to
So, Dont waste your time filling up my words
Dont tell me why, assume the worst.

Hopefully, you make no mistake
If you learn from what youve got to take
Good or bad, its all gonna add up in the end but,
You can never win.

Dont thank me,
Dont tell me how,
Dont break me down,
Dont help me make it,

I dont need to need you
Tell me what to do
Tell me what to say
Dont you wanna help me
Tell me what to do
Help me find a way

shoot a game

Am so highly dosed right now can barely see the letters fall neatly on the screen. forget quickly. my day...
6:15am
I play light as my instrument as open the blinds and light falls ont to the beds amongst me,as they are white the light reflects and falls onto the composer.I feel sedated as the sun brings life into my large empty room.
I fall back to my bet with the idea that will sleep longer,my eyes heavy like sandbags. sleep i can not.
i wander aimlessly down and through the ghost like passages bumping into over worked and tired nurses. i say "you know i have 4 extra beds in my room if you want to have a lie in" but i can barely get any words out so it comes out as ""come sleep in bed" the effects from lastnights meds not yet out. taken toll!

6:45am
2 coffees 2 cigerettes,my heads getting round the med effect.

7:15am
i do not bath in these places(clinics) so i find myself a private room to sower.a tight squeeze. fanatical about how showers should be.many people have been in this one,I position myself as not to touch much. imagine this enseamble of a shower was made with kids or dwarfs in mind "little people"
The water came out hot,I washed my hair-it all worked out.

7:25am
Changed 3 times now, because decided whilst playing pool my thirt was to long.I look fat. jeans on jeans off2 tshirts ltr back to the 1st.

9:30am
I just played 2 mean games of pool. was stripes first and then solids. have this ssurperstition can only win if solids but just kicked ass with stripes. my oponentwas hilarious,really kind,extremely sarcastic but laughfrom the belly funny,good looking to- my oponent was me.

11:28am
Bored out of my fucking mind.
11:33am
Bored!
Sure the lithuim has gone up all that does is blur my vision. my responses r a little slower. am in need of stimulation here. stimulation here is smoked 5 boxes,drink bad coffee,play pool with imaginary fiends, listen to some guy ramble on about sabarus and try get into your pants at the same time- would take the fucking sabaru first.why is it that there is always 1 that thinkd hey will be the one to tuRn me???
11:40
Found my niche. music on my phone! with music as my filter my whole perception changes.puts me in a bubble. it feels like walking in slow motion through a movie set.
Grey light protected through my eyes,whispers of sadness waves from hbranches o the tree.blue skies of laughter peering through the thick trunks smiling wickedly as to say "so!its ok!"

12:00pm
Its so constricting when you listen to music with earphones you cnt sing? BUT sing and dance anyway.

13:17pm
Lunch-fish,I eat fish so get 'oLd' chicken (yum)
Stuck again with s as he triesd to talk his way into my pants,the normal tactics. listened,I blushes and worst of all flirted back. do this as - feel it gives m the power but normally end up off. so stick to the larger groups n besides k has my back.

13:40pm
B O R E D
Music- can u feel my heart beating?not feeling grounded right now.

8:45pm
SEDATED--- am almost shut down and switched off.

admissions

After a numbing two day race to get here, that felt a bit like the tortoise and he hare, me being both competitors, finally managed to admit myself into "my"psychiatric clinic at 12:45 today. still feel as if am partaking in that race now. unable to sit still for longer then 15 minutes, even here find "stuff" to do. 'We' are watching a movie now, its been on for half an hour. in that half n hour have managed to bug security thrice to let me out for a smoke (I see the door is finally permanently open) have been with the nurses twice to enquire about my meds and to charge my phone, have been to mr oom to jot down notes on how should look into finding an old villa in italy, live in a stable in Limnos, find a gay tour group through europe, a flight of other random ideas will refrain from sharing. 

It is obvious to me mania stirs at night-but it is not the obvious kind as it resides mainly in me ( not jumping around as such) may even seem mellowed out. how feel.

Happy here. unhappy that my family has faded away. am pissed that know where or how my dog is- it hurts me that it seems unimportatnt to some that am away because sick- instead they pretend that its something do for fun or they completely ignore the existance of my very being when decide to be here-true out of sight out of mind.

I deny the rejection or the pain but have strength in the knowing that there is in fact with all my fragility a strenth in me that many do not know--- ilove 

Tomorrow may wake a little sedated or my worst-a bit like a zombie but okay for its only a transition into a stronger me- am here not only because need to be (I'm bipolar-with mixed states/rapid cycling/as a result need to be double dosed and kicked back into a 'mormalk' mood state) no am here because choose to be here, because choose to take care of me- want to use,I dont want to die- want to be free- if no other 'grown up wants to help' am the grown up! change of plans- in bed, my ears are red hot/ will sleep soundly.

my lantern in the sky

Firstly you will see I added the slide show to my post above. Secondly which should be firstly I did not check into the psyche ward today as life presented itself in life's way and perhaps added with a little bit of the wrong decision on my part. I am easily influenced and to be entirely honest it is very hard for me to walk through those doors, I WISH I HAD. What was not done today will be done tomorrow. As I will have my phone I will still be updating my blog for those who wish to follow my journey, if I'm not heavily sedated, in a straight jacket, shock therapy or maybe even a lobotomy:) no no, i shall be smoking,playing pool, making friends and sleeping.

I have spent most of the day manic of the walls packing my life up as I do alot. Strangely every time I check into a clinic of sorts,strange how that works. I am still not entirely complete as I just have no attention span, and it scares me, i feel I have no support right now and that scares me, i flip out and become a total hater. I then calm down and talk my self through it. I hope tonight is nothing like last night, i do not recall any sleep occurring, I recall being very scared and very paranoid, crying for morning, morning came and now, im praying for tomorrow, because I'm ready. I was ready yesterday, frankly.

I would like to wake and go, I have to drop my dog,then meet my mom, drop her stuff, so everything is so prolonged, its no good.

anyway, to finish... I was in my garden to let go of this chapter and I chose to set off a Chinese lantern, it was quite something doing it alone, my hyper active shaky hands, burnt the tip of my thumb, not worried as I'm barely focused, eventually she flew, concerned she might fall and burn down the vineyards, she did no, I watched as she sailed through the sky, soaring slowly, I thanked my time and asked for guidance through the next journey, it mesmerised.

I want to soar slowly through the sky, I don't want to burn out, i want to shine. (I have fear)

goodbye

rapidly me

I am so very busy in my head right now. Its impossible. I have a very big decision to make although its pretty obvious I have already made it, it concerns late night dancing with "hot" nurses in psychiatric institutions, its a must see must do once a year on my list of all things to see and do, I swear there is nothing else like it. 
I joke because the reality is, I cant bare it, the stigma attached to it, the label stuck to me by entering into it, the judgments, the whispers, the tip toeing and the riddled guilt. I just cant.
Is life like this. Tobe bi polar, to be me, does that mean forever and ever I can rely on the notion that I get to go "and get better" as they like to say, cos "I'm sick" you know, so every now and then I go get "high" in the care of those who"care?" I don't know, I just don't. 
I understand that it is the right thing, and I am going to look after myself, but the open ended question do i belong? where do i belong? Can I take care of myself now? can I ever take care of myself? If i can make a decision to go in and take care of  myself then surely that is taking care of myself, there for I am in sane frame of mind to be taking care of myself??? follow, follow>


so , it is 1 am and maybe i should let my mind rest, wake up and go/or not.


In the meantime i spent a large part of my evening putting together this slide show, of artwork that depicts exactly to the core of where i am, and for those who don't know, the reason I may be going into the psyche ward is probably to do with being in a safe place for a bit. I am in a kind of a mixed state, where i am both depressed and manic, that's the text book version, my version is, i am so fucking exhausted of being so elated one moment to so severely emotionally crippled the next to feeling both at the exact same time, my body can not keep up with me any more, I have intense emotions where I can no longer hold myself and I rely on my therapist for that, don't get me wrong I lover her and that I can but I just cant anymore. I have dangerous thoughts that could lead to dangerous places, I need help where I can be held, just till I'm a little stronger, give me three days (he he he--tsk tsk)


appreciate the following work and look into my soul 

I love!

I cant breathe through this mask

speaks masses to me.

Sometimes, i put videos, or music or pictures down here as it is my journal my diary, not because I'm LAZY but purely because it speaks from me or expresses exactly from where I am, what i am in, how I am feeling.(why am I explaining myself here?) Today i am also plainly just tired, exhausted. I was in therapy this afternoon and there was a moment when i felt as if i could fall asleep right there and then on the pillow "her" pillow, on the couch "her" couch. I believe I am growing closer to trust if i was comfortable enough to truly want to just lay my head down and fall asleep. No it is in no way because it is boring, anything but= in not to many words I would say it was because it was stimulating, in the emotional sense, processing, processing is hard work, take my word for it. Just tired, tired of my mind.


It's a given that my migraines would be worsened on Tuesdays , "my sexy therapist" days (that was my ring tone for her for a while. A short while. A very short while as she is now my "welcome to the mental health hot line" more apt, although they kinda go hand in hand :) I'm going off here, my migraines, way worse, i got home,got sick slept 4 hours, I'm up now and will probably go to bed after I try and smoke (not sure how that's gonna go down) I find it so strange how I find it so hard to just look after myself sometimes, to day it was a little like that, but I was so relieved to just get into bed and say "this is okay"
I don't need to breathe through this mask if I just rip it off. Slowly,dismantle what doesn't work for me and keep it at bay, no not at bay, non exist.


i leave you with this...

"Sour Times"

To pretend no one can find

The fallacies of morning rose

Forbidden fruit, hidden eyes

Courtesies that I despise in me

Take a ride, take a shot now

'Cause nobody loves me

It's true

Not like you do

Covered by the blind belief

That fantasies of sinful screens

Bear the facts, assume the dye

End the vows, no need to lie, enjoy

Take a ride, take a shot now

'Cause nobody loves me

It's true

Not like you do

Who am I, what and why?

'Cause all I have left is my memories of yesterday

Oh these sour times

'Cause nobody loves me

It's true

Not like you do

After time the bitter taste

Of innocence, decent or race

Scattered seeds, buried lives

Mysteries of our disguise revolve

Circumstance will decide ....

'Cause nobody loves me

It's true

Not like you do

'Cause nobody loves me

It's true

Not like you

Nobody loves.. meIt's true

Not, like, you.. do

PORTISHEAD

self-seek

"hate is always a clash between our spirit and someone Else's body" PAVESE


My feelings fluctuate to such extremes. I can love and hate you in one, this is in my primeval nature. I feel deeply and truly, i do not mean to hate, it stems from my own insecurities of misunderstandings. I tend to feel as if its not enough, i turn my stuff to them and hear myself saying "i fucking hate you"


"It is harder to hide feelings we have than to feign those we lack" LA ROCHEFOUCAULD


I can be honest in completeness of who I am at one moment,baring all,at the moment i give to emotion i find i fall to hidden tactics,i mask a tear with a smile,a smile with a scream. I feel sad and a I can no longer pretend that I am not.I feel happy and I can no longer mask that it is untrue, I am both.


"how glorious it is-and also how painful-to be an exception."MUSSET


always the exception....


"we think in generalities,but we live in detail" WHITEHEAD


constantly a thought process , obsessed with the generals of society, merged deep into the details from wake to sleep and in between.

"I don't do drugs. I am drugs."Salvador Dali

a video "we" made

I cant pretend to be happy nor can I pretend to be sad, sullen am i?
i know through the gloom of my glee and my gleeful dead.... there is 
always self-medication of dance...


"Nobody cares if you can't dance well.  Just get up and dance."  ~Dave Barry

"the only antidote to mental suffering is physical pain" marx

my random is my random

this song is how I feel, a sum up:

It's in motion. The slowness of my very being. The thug that slaps me with his bag hand, my nose bleeds, I just stand there for a while and stare before i feel the saliva sliding in the back of my throat preparing like a weapon to catapult its spit into his face. My backhand is wet and disgusting, gargled with a sting. Aware the entire time the exact result It will encourage. A blow to the stomach and whack, i feel my knees on the cold ground, I don't cry, I scream words unbeknown to my realm of my nature at the time. My face leveled with his crotch, my little fist launches.
and fade to red, thick bright red.


This could be the description of anything, couldn't it.


it took me 3 hours to find five cardboard boxes. I'm sometimes even to shy to ask a random stranger if they have spare boxes, so I find myself driving all over the country side casing the right joint until I find who I think looks like the kindest person and in the end it paid off, after hours of endless searching i ended up at opposite to where I live with a funny old lady, kind as nan. The two of us were in a crate rummaging through boxes trying to find the biggest and the strongest, the sight was a pretty one of sorts, memorable. Literally pulled the neatly packed boxes from the back building towers until we got what I needed, the place was left looking like a dump. I do know how to leave my mark.


I am so out of sorts I hardly recognise if I am living sometimes and then others I am so alive I feel total on top and over, how is it that I feel these both combined: oh right there is that.
I feel so deeply about everything and people who I pass, personal personal feelings about people who know me and I know nothing about. I feel as if I can not breathe sometimes.
I sometimes meet someone in the parking lot and i believe all sorts of wayward absurdities. Grounded? phew, i know no such thing,.


I'm not going on about this again.


 So I opened with Nirvana which is how Ive been feeling but also I couldn't decide between lithium and rape me (as i have been nirvana head today) (you could without a doubt say that my taste in music has so many ranges and genres with such drastic differences (wait a minute I'm not on a dating website here why am i explaining or describing, itchy typing fingers) ANYWAY, I leave with a video which is something I think about not only today but everyday;) naturally, (see these two songs/videos are a prime example of how my moods work with In the space of 5 minutes, I'm depressed,I'm horny, I'm happy, I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm jealous, I'm exuberant.....)

\

This is HOT:

humdrum

simple! I have plodded along today with inner conflict. The more minutes that pass the more tiresome I grow. Battling to bare the light of day, my eyelids heavy, heavier as my feet trudge along the ground with the humdrum of the day.

Not even a vitamin B shot in the ass could fix a spurt of energy to my body beat. I had the shot at 11-11 I was taken to sleep by 11:45, I woke again at 14:40. I continued to sleep most of the day. My body feeble to the world, my mind frail and I am just purely fragile and bleak.

My sister says "It's the shift, you going through the portal" well I'd prefer that over the other option.

I am feeling docile and let down. I feel I will have to fight but not sure how much of a fight is in me at the moment. Is it always a fucking fight. lessons? Ongoing lessons, I learnt a long time ago that I don't know how to do these things on my own , honestly does that make me less of a adult. I shrug my shoulders and say "probably" Its disappointing, I learnt a long time ago that disappointment and rejection go hand in hand. I also learnt that everything seems to happen all at once. I learnt i cant do this alone.

So if it makes me a baby to ask you for help well then that's okay, don't worry I can at least change my own diapers all I'm asking you is to help me walk.

why are one of my worst fears saying what I want, knowing that there is nothing wrong with what I want and yet still being too intimidated to say it or ask it even though its the right thing. My guess is I'm scared I cant handle the outcome which is (disappointment and rejection)

yup yup


the humdrum of my day....

 YOU ARE NOW ENTERING LAUGHTER LAND:
SMILING,LAUGHING,CHUCKLING,GIGGLING PERMITTED By Order of the King
"There" said little  Miss Sunshine."Now you can be happy". "But I don't know HOW to be happy". sniffed the King.

"I've never TRIED IT!"

 Ehm, ehm....

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