Dial analyst

"I'm not at liberty to say!" 

Don't you hate it when people say that, not at liberty to say, the meaning is so brutal, to think that freedom could pull my strings as this statement does, let me repeat it one more time , not at fucking liberty to say.

My blood wants to fume through my veins and come up through my skin every time. Oh but why is this moving the planet in my head off its axis so abundantly. I can tell you and it may seem absurd, but that may be cos it is a little, just a bit.

In this case this statement I will refrain from repeating from here on was said by a therapist about another therapist. (sounds like I'm gonna tell one of those jokes "so this therapist walked into a bar.....") Therapist b happened to be my therapist once "long long long long long -sarcastically-long long many moons ago" 

I journeyed to therapist a today,who I haven't seen for some weeks,when I went through her door I naturally wanted to swing y arms around her and embrace, just a big wholesome hug. I didn't as I probably couldn't and I struggle with this sort of thing, I don't get why not.I wander if she has a therapist to, that a natural instinctive question too, you would think with all the shit they have to listen to all day added with their own life's it should be a given, especially when one is so passionate.... but I'm going off subject now.

 I never knew by the end of the session I would be walking away repeating that ever so annoying statement that irks me so perfectly, the one that has me knocking on the door of therapist b.

Therapist b) I used to have a fortune of feelings for her, a couch crush,everyone I know knows the story.Therapy ended,I met her once,saw she was beautiful in "real" life and life went on. Tried not to think about her as I knew it was wrong and seriously why would someone like her ever reciprocate, besides it being unethical of course. All the insecurities of not being good enough,or being her type or having a job or and or and or and through my head, I never once thought she was not attracted to me,not once,I had a natural in cling that we were believably besides all the or and ifs a possibility. The ethics thing kind of just passed me by. This is just who I am and how it goes. But anyway whatever. Nothing came of it as I love to believe it could of had I tried and just never did, but this is how I like to smooth things out with myself, its far easier than rejection you know or easier then exception sometimes. Almost a year later I think of her again, not that I ever stopped I just pushed it out as there is or was no point,right. 

We chat briefly , Therapist A, (who I am apparently in love with,as my mother as spread the word around town to therapist a's 'friends' which makes me sound like a therapyslut-It seems I really get around, I have a,b now I just need to find c, hey why not go all the way to z:) ) Therapist a and myself, chat briefly about therapist b, I like to pretend that I don't really care and I'm all mature and whatever is,just is. I spontaneously ask her if therapist b is "back with her crazy wife" and she answers with THE STATEMENT! 

I pretend like I don't give a damn, all nonchalant I am, like whatever, but something crazy is going on inside of me, I'm starting to feel jealous. Jealous, come on? you can not be serious, about therapist b who is no longer therapist b to me and is now just M. who from time to time I want to pick up the phone and say hi, sometimes spend weeks creating messages in my mind when all they will simply say is, "hey,I'm not sure how this works,if this works,but do you wanna go for a drink" or "hey,do you wanna go for a drink" and all I have to do is wait for yes or no, because really at the end of the day if its no there will be no difference, will there, and if its yes well then its yes.

But still jealous, what the fuck is that about. If anyone can understand this, i say bring on that advise cos I'm willing to take it like a grown up. 

What is it about therapists, what is it about you? I cant stop wanting to know.


I initially typed up a whole lot of stuff in this space and it has been deleted and perhaps thats for a reason, all I remember is I was babbling about a and be and me and we. It was an entire paragraph and its gone? where to I ask where to?

Let me go back and cook, cos I have a flight of theories coming through. And yes I feel like a god damn fool saying all this,I feel a little ridiculous feel like twat even (considering I'm going on about a phantom crush) , but so what, I feel, they my feelings.

Deal.

See ya later.

"It is a regular observation that when you talk to an individual, and this individual gives you insight into its inner preoccupations,interests,emotions, in other words,hands over his personal complexes,then you get slowly and really really into the situation,of a sort of authority, you become a point of reference, you know you are in possession of all the important items in a persons development.

Now you see that creates an emotional relationship to the analyst. and that is what Freud called transference-which is a central problem of analytic psychology.

it is just so as if these people have handed out their whole existence, and that can have very peculiar effects on the individual. Either they hate you for it or they love you for it,but…you are not indifferent to them.

The archetype is a force it has an autonomy,it can suddenly seize you ,it is like a seizure" -Carl Jung

old skool.... (don't believe in everything freud has ever conjured up, just for the record,my record) s's and g's with a bit of t's.