notPERFECT

What are the limitations to self control? If I knew the answer to that i suppose i would be one step away from perfection.

what are the prerequisite skills to perfection. That I do know the answer to= there are none, there is no such thing. NOTHING can be perfect. We or I can persuade myself that things would be perfect if only they were like this…. and I will set out a list of steps to reach this perfect picture. Well that's entirely different story.

A perfect picture is easy to paint, to word, to manufacture. The truth which lies behind the picture is the truth of what is. At times I find myself spinning a story of myself to whom ever it may be. Sometimes I have a different picture for a different person. I loos sight of what the real picture is. Once the real me starts to show through these creations, that perfect picture melts away and i stand alone imperfect, not tweaking or editing I'm perfectly me.

I pass by the limits of control, I often fabricate perfection not to fool other but to fool me,  I can admit I don't always want to see that I don't have a job, I don't have a clue, I have bi polar with a side dish of borderline. I replace those things with, I m a photographer, I'm self supported, I am so happy, I'm single because I choose to be, bullocks, I'm single because I'm to bloody scared not to be. I build a home of fantasy around me, my name does mean keeper of the castle.

So I stand before me and stand in my truth, without my job or my girlfriend or wickedly spun stories, i shrug my shoulders and hold my bipolar etc cos that's not me, I am me that's just a minor side effect. I stand and I say "who needs to be in control anyway?" 

I look at me,imperfectly and sense a smile rocking my boat.

This is how I feel at this moment today. That's what moments are for.