my shrink goes to raves

I sat there smiling. No just any smile, the one that shines through my eyes first, tingling down my cheeks, touching my lips and mouth sings with that smile.

So I sat there smiling, opposite my shrink. In her normal form. Long skirt, white blouse,cut low enough to see her breasts but still Conservative in her way. She is somewhat nerdy by nature.

She spoke to me as she always does in her stern placid tone, "You're manic!",rubbed her hands together with spark in her eye like some child who just received a sweet.

"i don't know if I'm manic, I just create a lot of things to do that keep me very busy from 7 am to midnight" I paused, "its more like, keep busy to keep up." she kept rubbing her hands.
 "I mean its not manic when its positive?surely.", her hands became still. I looked her in the eye and I felt "that" smile glide through me,  "all I do is design,design,design" realising what i meant was "designing a way not to be sad" , I like what she said next, "whats important here is,I believe you know, is youre not depressed with this disease, youre sad because you want to connect." I understood and felt exactly what she meant but I went on and on about bipolar theories and people who don't understand it and how its even relevant to me (oh I'm bi-polar,that's how) Once I was done with my monologue she comforted me in knowing "There is  healthy manic, medication doesn't take you away and if you being very creative there isn't a problem" no problem.

I sat there on that chair, trying to hide behind it, I was trying to hide my face, my face wanted to show that I was laughing. I had a "if I could put my hand in front of my face moment" I would.

 I however have mastered the art of masking such things when need be. I sat there staring at her listening , my gut desperately wanting to giggle, we were chatting about me getting out and how "hard" it is to make friends. 

I don't take any advise from her on this regard as i honestly don't think she has a fucking clue. She made comments such as "its harder to make friends as you get older,if you were at varsity you would be in a basketball club or a chess team" seriously woman, sure id be playing basketball on the chessboard. She  then suggested I make some "gay"friends by going to a "gayrave" what the fuck is a gay rave. Like I said I was gagging to giggle but not really at her, its kind of cute..

end of session

• I had lunch with a girl who may as well of been wearing panties as her shorts were that short, it was distracting.
• I saw my mom, I saw her souls been stolen
• I had a temper tantrum because my grass was not mowed,ripped the grass with my hands and threw it at management- great entertainer
• i lost myself to creativity
• i found myself in creativity
• i am what i am