SMUG

Well who would of thought? I can tell you who. Me! I'm sure a few others too. Today I can say with a fiery gratifying voice, Proudly that I am 2 years clean, so proud of myself I feel I could scream it from where I stand on this end of the earth all the way to What ever planet lies beyond Neptune, it was once Pluto so wherever my chufness carries my excited call to, a planet shall be made there. THATS how amazing I feel.

This morning as I felt the dew come by, My sister sent me a message telling me to celebrate myself and I began to cry. Not because I was sad but I was honestly overwhelmed, I never knew I could be so self satisfied. Once upon a time not so long ago I never knew it was possible to change and do things so differently. With just one little thing a huge sequence of beautiful events have taken place in my life. 

Reflection: I cant say everything has been easy and sometimes far from it but It hasn't been all that hard either. Its just been. I'm just living and learning and trying to be.

I decided I had to make to day a little different to any other and I ended up going all out to ensure that. I not only treated myself, Ia gave myself permission to be a kid but my parent at the same time, I played and I looked after myself as I played. Sure just like life the whole day was not perfect as my moods faltered through and I was a nightmare with real life tantrums from real life frustrations and then they passed or passed them.

When I was a year clean I got myself a puppy (Phoenix) she is a dog now but I still call her puppy. I did things against the grain. According to NA suggestion you get a plant and if it lives then you get a pet and the you get into a relationship. No no not me, I got the dog and well let me face it we've done well. But then I did that whole relationship thing and lets just say maybe I should of backtracked to the plant? So my mission today was to do a 360 and get the plant. 

It was a nice idea but it never happened, I got side tracked. I said earlier I let myself be a child. I started by getting my self a neon yin and yang yo yo with lights (what kid wouldn't be happy with a kick ass yo yo like mine) I had pancakes for breakfast I spent an hour with a "friend/ex" at a games arcade and let it rip- I lost almost every game but I had a lively time. I danced in my car outside a mall with the music turned up full blast as everyone stared. When I got home I played with my gift that I got for myself, The gift I replaced instead of a plant and sure its not the same thing but hey Ive got loads of plants in the garden. i got myself a 1967 Ford Mustang remote control. It scares the wits outs of my dog but I love the fucking thing.

If Ive forgotten anything I'm sure I will remember when I lie down later, i will transfer my thoughts to you sublimely:)

I am thankful to all the people who thought of me today as it makes me feel so special and I love feeling special. I am grateful that I am me. I love this journey. I love that I'm loved. I love that I can buy a toy I always wanted as a kid but couldn't and as a kid I always said when I'm an adult I'll get it. I love that I can kiss my dog silly, That I can cry because I love myself, that I can get moody cos I'm frustrated. I am grateful to you and you and you and you and you and ME to.


I understand meditation to be a form of thanks and prayer and a meeting or a share, for me its to take a moment and I have taken a few to be quiet within myself and to just be. Smile and hug myself and all of you who have helped,held and guided me. Even those who listened only for a moment or smiled just for a second. I take a quiet moment and thank the presence that guides me holds me is my pillar. I choose to be a silly kid who eats pancakes and plays with toys while teasing dogs. Dances in parking lots and screams "give me a break" 


This is my break, this is my moment...>>>>

I may not choose NA but I do choose change,I do choose courage and I do choose serenity.

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