but it could be
Falling in love. We all do it. We don't all take the risk of being in it, not always.
I fall "in love" on a daily basis. With the girl behind the check out counter, with the girl who makes my coffee ,with my pharmacist, with my therapist, with the woman in the car next to me at the traffic light and so on and so on. So No , I am almost sure there is some other term for that. not 'in love'
I have had 5 solid girlfriends in my life. Okay wait I remember my first boyfriend and the very many after that. I remember them all, quite clearly. I was never in love with any one of them. i take that back, there was one- I was sixteen , he was in fact my last boyfriend. This is interesting my last boyfriend ended much like my first started. I will show you mine if you show me yours. My first I was all of seven and it was at school behind some corridor in a dreary hall. It was gross, it was at that stage anyway. My last boyfriend was also at school, a totally different school, we had however showed a lot of yours and mine alot of times, the last time, was in the squash court where we had finally consented to 'going all the way' How ever, butt naked we were caught blind by our maths teacher. It never happened again, but I was 'in love' with him enough to get that far.
Since him I have had 5 solid girlfriends 3 one night stands and a couple of flings.And then some raucously weird things. Not girlfriend nor fling, but emotional. Funny me, I cant usually give myself sexually without really giving myself, that has something that has become anew to me. So In those 2 one nightstands my world fell apart when Those 2 girls didn't want to see me again. The flings weren't so bad cos I was normally the one who was unattached. Out of the 5 girlfriends I believe I was messed up waywardly by the first, I was probably in love with the second and still smile when we meet, but truly i believe I have only loved once.
Those are the facts- here are the feelings- I know I am of the kind of persona that falls easily and am drawn to many at a time. I love to love but I have no idea what is good. i have had one true love, the great love. I no not why this seeps into my heart from time to time. It is impossible to forget. One can move on, there is always moving theres always shaking. The point is not that of the person I once love and shall always hold a space for in my soul,my heart, the whole light thing. No this is not the point as my thoughts, my feelings are not set on the person but set on how I know,feel and understand love.
I'm afraid I cant justly say I'm pure when it comes to "love" with another in form of sexual,emotional and all kind of relationship. In my experience there has been one that I gave all of me to, all of me that I know and all of me that I or any other cant reach. I would do the whole lay my soul in hell if I had to for this person, i would go to the ends of my tether,I would hold her with every inch of love there was in me to complete her. I loved compassionately, but our love was also suffocating. I only know of love that is aggravating but sweet, lustful but beat up,passionate but dead, everything but nothing. Is this love I speak or is it that of a certain relationship. I cant say because in general when I love that's how it is, Just with her everything was more accentuated. We loved. We couldn't live with each other , we couldn't live without.
I have been torn by what is a loving relationship and what is not. I have become trained on what is not and I am mystically attracted to this 'in love' mechanism. Is it because it works for me or is it because it does not.
I don't know why all of this is cropping up for me, sometimes things just do. I smell love when I see it, it evades all lust. I like sex but I prefer beauty. I prefer the idea of 'her', 'you' 'whomever' laying next to me as I watch her breathe while she's sleeping, knowing when she,you whomever wakes, I will be the first person .....
Whisper softly past my ear the words ' i love you'
Its never, forever! but it could be
Anyway, so I'm putting up the following music video as it expresses exactly how my relationship was with the only person I have ever truly loved. It's disturbing that this is the video that speaks and paints the picture of what I believe and understand to be true love.
The lyrics, The video "the hot girls"(wink) I how I felt love for such a long time That I'm unsure whether I have a REAL healthy "attachment" to what love is like. Or is it relationships.
I know how it feels to love and to be loved but not without the drama. I can only imagine and dream that up. However I do wander if I am able to do it with out drama, it goes hand in hand. follow?
I do strife to find another and seek some other.
here it is ( and yes I'm not embarrassed to say that I like Rihanna - dnt knock me- this song describes what I'm saying about my great love perfectly)
Falling in love. We all do it. We don't all take the risk of being in it, not always.
I fall "in love" on a daily basis. With the girl behind the check out counter, with the girl who makes my coffee ,with my pharmacist, with my therapist, with the woman in the car next to me at the traffic light and so on and so on. So No , I am almost sure there is some other term for that. not 'in love'
I have had 5 solid girlfriends in my life. Okay wait I remember my first boyfriend and the very many after that. I remember them all, quite clearly. I was never in love with any one of them. i take that back, there was one- I was sixteen , he was in fact my last boyfriend. This is interesting my last boyfriend ended much like my first started. I will show you mine if you show me yours. My first I was all of seven and it was at school behind some corridor in a dreary hall. It was gross, it was at that stage anyway. My last boyfriend was also at school, a totally different school, we had however showed a lot of yours and mine alot of times, the last time, was in the squash court where we had finally consented to 'going all the way' How ever, butt naked we were caught blind by our maths teacher. It never happened again, but I was 'in love' with him enough to get that far.
Since him I have had 5 solid girlfriends 3 one night stands and a couple of flings.And then some raucously weird things. Not girlfriend nor fling, but emotional. Funny me, I cant usually give myself sexually without really giving myself, that has something that has become anew to me. So In those 2 one nightstands my world fell apart when Those 2 girls didn't want to see me again. The flings weren't so bad cos I was normally the one who was unattached. Out of the 5 girlfriends I believe I was messed up waywardly by the first, I was probably in love with the second and still smile when we meet, but truly i believe I have only loved once.
Those are the facts- here are the feelings- I know I am of the kind of persona that falls easily and am drawn to many at a time. I love to love but I have no idea what is good. i have had one true love, the great love. I no not why this seeps into my heart from time to time. It is impossible to forget. One can move on, there is always moving theres always shaking. The point is not that of the person I once love and shall always hold a space for in my soul,my heart, the whole light thing. No this is not the point as my thoughts, my feelings are not set on the person but set on how I know,feel and understand love.
I'm afraid I cant justly say I'm pure when it comes to "love" with another in form of sexual,emotional and all kind of relationship. In my experience there has been one that I gave all of me to, all of me that I know and all of me that I or any other cant reach. I would do the whole lay my soul in hell if I had to for this person, i would go to the ends of my tether,I would hold her with every inch of love there was in me to complete her. I loved compassionately, but our love was also suffocating. I only know of love that is aggravating but sweet, lustful but beat up,passionate but dead, everything but nothing. Is this love I speak or is it that of a certain relationship. I cant say because in general when I love that's how it is, Just with her everything was more accentuated. We loved. We couldn't live with each other , we couldn't live without.
I have been torn by what is a loving relationship and what is not. I have become trained on what is not and I am mystically attracted to this 'in love' mechanism. Is it because it works for me or is it because it does not.
I don't know why all of this is cropping up for me, sometimes things just do. I smell love when I see it, it evades all lust. I like sex but I prefer beauty. I prefer the idea of 'her', 'you' 'whomever' laying next to me as I watch her breathe while she's sleeping, knowing when she,you whomever wakes, I will be the first person .....
Whisper softly past my ear the words ' i love you'
Its never, forever! but it could be
Anyway, so I'm putting up the following music video as it expresses exactly how my relationship was with the only person I have ever truly loved. It's disturbing that this is the video that speaks and paints the picture of what I believe and understand to be true love.
The lyrics, The video "the hot girls"(wink) I how I felt love for such a long time That I'm unsure whether I have a REAL healthy "attachment" to what love is like. Or is it relationships.
I know how it feels to love and to be loved but not without the drama. I can only imagine and dream that up. However I do wander if I am able to do it with out drama, it goes hand in hand. follow?
I do strife to find another and seek some other.
here it is ( and yes I'm not embarrassed to say that I like Rihanna - dnt knock me- this song describes what I'm saying about my great love perfectly)
I find that this in me is beautifully sad, lost in the shades of benign words painted on forlorn walls, i saw you there in the corner of my soul, you walked away, I didn't fall.
Perhaps someday I will know how it is without.
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