the only 'dog' in the zombie walk

Funny, Halloween was always a big deal for us kids when we were growing up. We went all out. Our costumes actually never made sense at all, we had free range to do whatever and whatever we did, nothing matched and it hardly ever made sense, It was magica' My Nana had baskets full of dress up clothes and since we played characters everyday of our life's it gave us licence to really go nuts on Halloween. Being from Pretoria in a predominantly Afrikaans town , our neighbours didn't quite understand "trick or treat" not in the 80's and the early 90's anyway. We loved it, but we mostly just went to my grandparents door to my aunts door over and over , they lived 5 feet from each other.


We didn't always get just sweets, my aunt insisted on giving us the pleasure of playing tricks, She made me roll with laughter each time. I miss it so , The three of us, my mom playing dress up with us, the heightened moods, the drive there,not so much the drive back, but normally we would sleep over being a special occasion, even on school nights. I fucken loved it.


and yes I had a very Americanised upbringing with a splash of real traditional English and JA that afrikaans Tabasco on top.


I had nowhere to go tonight and my sister was going to a party as a pumpkin, I would of joined her but it would probably take a few hours to get to Connecticut so instead my dog and I got a up to a little something....

I tried to get myself to look just like her-- think I'm  a little loopy yet?
But hey I thought My family should also get into it, no.

themed dream

Iv'e been having this reoccurring dream for the past few days, always slightly aware towards the end of it. I'm not sure what its trying to tell me, what it means or what part of me it may be processing. I don know although it is the same dream each time, just a slightly different ending with a completely different era , I wake up crying at the end.


Today, I was taking a nap. I had only been asleep for about 10minute, and it came, it blew me from inside. It accessed me from inside out, if that makes sense. I felt like a blow fish. Everything is vague now and the pieces are scattered. What I do remember is, today,yesterday was different,today it was set in 100bc, I remember being dressed in white robes and dark skin, I entered a room that was made up of light. The walls were built with bright light except for the pillars at the door. Inside the door was a vault where everything of mine from my soul was kept in Scriptures and drawings, but they were being etched with pencil onto the floor by a hand, all I could see was a beautiful strong tanned hand. I left the room, when I returned a man and three woman obstructed me from going in, I was scared, I started to force myself past them, but I couldn't, I struggled as they pulled me back, it hurt I could feel it in real life, the door opened and all i could see was that my soul that was beautifully etched onto the floor was being wiped away, I began crying hysterically as I hit the man who held me down, kicking my legs,


I woke up weeping holding my stomach in  the foetal position., I put my hands over my eyes and said to myself "go back to sleep you can change this"


strange---- between the sheets of my dreams and this song below is how I wander through a very hazy Sunday.



I still smile- I'm not wearing white robes amongst,  hounds
I do know what it feels like to be in and amongst them.

SPARKLER

From the light beneath my fingers to the words beyond your eyes...

aside the facets of her face

the (brackets) in her beauty flawed

beside the sweetness of her sweat

the spaces between her broken world

she's soiled.

her hair that falls, her eyes that sleep, her stagger calls ,me, as her mouth calls me deep

apart from the worldly glamour, she lacks walls

the combination with old soul and baby girl

far from alluring swan(GONE), curious ugly duckling cant be shun

she's foiled

her brown eyes speak, with mutual words, never bleak, she comes in herds                   

aside

beside

apart

far from ... she

                    is

                   me

Her hands have ink of light and speak to me through words beyond my eyes, create.

no hide no seek

Oh wonder is me. I am almost delirious in my amazement of my day and how everything just flowed. I kind of want to wrap my arms around myself, i look , Oh it seems my arms are wrapped as far as they can go round me, no my hands cant touch. Geekishly amused.

All this because I got out. Not only did I get out I met people, real life people, that if I pinched them they would say ouch and others would say mmm , harder ;) No slowing me down once I'm on a roll, on your marks get set, go,go go.

This is the cool thing, my day was unexpected, I was doing my normal buying crap at Chinese stores, a little bit of stationary i don need another lighter for my collection that disappears, i must have millions of lighters that are playing hide and seek with me, it seems I'm not playing very well cause I just cant find the little fuckers. So the cool thing is I hooked up with my grandparents aka  Nana and GP, we went to this fair/market thing. Let me tell you when I went through those gates my peeps by my side I was dumbstruck in awe of the fascination of it all. The small things hey. The beauty: The stuff,the food and yes the people, my grand father seemed to be the only male there, it was extraordinary.

Normally I cant handle busy places, I totally freak out, I standstill and just loose total focus on where I am and who I am. But I smile, My reaction to every person that brushed past me was placid rather then insecure or aggressive and then it all started to happen. Some girl started talking to me and we chatted and we got so involved in chatting I lost my grandparents, before I realised how long it had been I kinda panicked and raced around looking for them. Phew and there they were. I had connected. It may seem small to some but For so long I have not allowed myself to even walk out of my front door never mind have a 15 minute conversation with a stranger. Okay sure I do it all the time when I travel but when I am here it is different, I make it different, here it is real, when I travel its part of a dream part of a journey its part of a story I can tell. The day went on like this, I connected with 1 more then I ate a pancake got a coffee, stuffed two rice crispy treats down (don't you love those things, I just had to , its like eating a childhood memory)

I had a day well spent full of connection, with my grandparents, with the blonde girl whose name I dint get, with the brunette who's name I did and to top it all up I passed by my little sister and we who do not normally sense each other out, held each other close and I could feel our branches twisting as the blossoms from each touched and parted again.

I've decided, I need to get over this morbid staring at the same closed door scared to be a part of a world that I have so much to give and receive from. It's hard though with all my labels, I'm up, I'm down, I'm inward I'm outward, I'm extravagant,exuberant, I fall, I climb, I freak out and ignore, I'm human, I'm here I'm open, not sure if it should be a warning or a blessing that I am ready to free myself. I think I am, I mean Ive always been experimental, from day one so lets experiment, living is not closing myself off and only allowing a hand full of people near me, living is not shutting my self down , living is being the Carey I am born to be (can u get any cornier then that?)

seriously I have electricity in my soul, my heart dances with my feelings, they getting down to my rhythm, the rhythm from my eyes that meet all of this and travel to my feet. My vibrant body netted with the grasp of my keep, I stop before i get to deep, silly billy make me dilly)

It's never FOREVER

but it could be


Falling in love. We all do it. We don't all take the risk of being in it, not always. 
I fall "in love" on a daily basis. With the girl behind the check out counter, with the girl who makes my coffee ,with my pharmacist, with my therapist, with the woman in the car next to me at the traffic light and so on and so on. So No , I am almost sure there is some other term for that. not 'in love'


I have had 5 solid girlfriends in my life. Okay wait I remember my first boyfriend and the very many after that. I remember them all, quite clearly. I was never in love with any one of them. i take that back, there was one- I was sixteen , he was in fact my last boyfriend. This is interesting my last boyfriend ended much like my first started. I will show you mine if you show me yours. My first I was all of seven and it was at school behind some corridor in a dreary hall. It was gross, it was at that stage anyway. My last boyfriend was also at school, a totally different school, we had however showed a lot of yours and mine alot of times, the last time, was in the squash court where we had finally consented to 'going all the way' How ever, butt naked we were caught blind by our maths teacher. It never happened again, but I was 'in love' with him enough to get that far.


Since him I have had 5 solid girlfriends 3 one night stands and a couple of flings.And then some raucously weird things. Not girlfriend nor fling, but emotional. Funny me, I cant usually give myself sexually without really giving myself, that has something that has become anew to me. So In those 2 one nightstands my world fell apart when Those 2 girls didn't want to see me again. The flings weren't so bad cos I was normally the one who was unattached. Out of the 5 girlfriends I believe I was messed up waywardly by the first, I was probably in love with the second and still smile when we meet, but truly i believe I have only loved once.


Those are the facts- here are the feelings- I know I am of the kind of persona that falls easily and am drawn to many at a time. I love to love but I have no idea what is good. i have had one true love, the great love. I no not why this seeps into my heart from time to time. It is impossible to forget. One can move on, there is always moving theres always shaking. The point is not that of the person I once love and shall always hold a space for in my soul,my heart, the whole light thing. No this is not the point as my thoughts, my feelings are not set on the person but set on how I know,feel and understand love.


I'm afraid I cant justly say I'm pure when it comes to "love" with another in form of sexual,emotional and all kind of relationship. In my experience there has been one that I gave all of me to, all of me that I know and all of me that I or any other cant reach. I would do the whole lay my soul in hell if I had to for this person, i would go to the ends of my tether,I would hold her with every inch of love there was in me to complete her. I loved compassionately, but our love was also suffocating. I only know of love that is aggravating but sweet, lustful but beat up,passionate but dead, everything but nothing. Is this love I speak or is it that of a certain relationship. I cant say because in general when I love that's how it is, Just with her everything was more accentuated. We loved. We couldn't live with each other , we couldn't live without.


I have been torn by what is a loving relationship and what is not. I have become trained on what is not and I am mystically attracted to this 'in love' mechanism. Is it because it works for me or is it because it does not.


I don't know why all of this is cropping up for me, sometimes things just do. I smell love when I see it, it evades all lust. I like sex but I prefer beauty. I prefer the idea of 'her', 'you' 'whomever' laying next to me as I watch her breathe while she's sleeping, knowing when she,you whomever wakes, I will be the first person ..... 


Whisper softly past my ear the words ' i love you'


Its never, forever! but it could be


Anyway, so I'm putting up the following music video as it expresses exactly how my relationship was with the only person I have ever truly loved. It's disturbing that this is the video that speaks and paints the picture of what I believe and understand to be true love. 
The lyrics, The video "the hot girls"(wink) I how I felt love for such a long time That I'm unsure whether I have a  REAL healthy "attachment" to what love is like. Or is it relationships.


I know how it feels to love and to be loved but not without the drama. I can only imagine and dream that up. However I do wander if I am able to do it with out drama, it goes hand in hand. follow?


I do strife to find another and seek some other.


here it is ( and yes I'm not embarrassed to say that I like Rihanna - dnt knock me- this song describes what I'm saying about my great love perfectly)

I find that this in me is beautifully sad, lost in the shades of benign words painted on forlorn walls, i saw you  there in the corner of my soul, you walked away, I didn't fall.

Perhaps someday I will know how it is without.

Obsess I confess

So I obsess a little. I think its in my nature. I am harassed by my own thoughts. Today it was management. Yes that was I was consumed by. I don't take lightly to any form of attack. if that's what it was I ask myself. I bet you they haven't given it a second thought as I am still here thinking about it.

Paint the picture. I live in this "estate" its part of what they call "the lodges" I am in fact one of the only three permanent residents as it is rented out like guest accommodation. Sometimes there are loud teens getting drunk at the pool which is my view along with the mount scape, the i get the large tour groups of Australians who love to swim at the crack of Dawn, business men and strange 'music producers' with even stranger stories and other times its still, there is no one, just myself my dog and that mountain.

So that where I live and its interesting but its not home. Interesting none the less.

I learnt from my dad today that management had put in a complaint about my dog. Just that sentence and that sentence alone set me right off. Obsess! 
I couldn't, I cant understand after a year of living here why suddenly they would have a problem with my dog. She barks sure, but not enough to complain. I went totally dilly in my  head as I was going about my day. Doing my shopping with conversation in my head of what and how I'm going phone them and tell them exactly what they can do with there complaint.

I was going to call reception, "Yeah hi, It's me, so I kind of have a concern and a message I'd like you to relay to your management. As they did not have the courtesy to call me with there complaint about my dog I'm going to leave the message wit you. I have lived here for a year, suddenly my dog is a problem, is the problem my dog? She probably barks 15 minutes a day all together and I don't think that's out of control, also can you just remind management that dogs BARK! It's in there nature. So basically what I am saying is you can let management know what to do with there complaint. OK thanks bye" I had so many versions of what I was going to say, I had very many more colourful ways too, I was in fact going through one of my colourful versions whilst I was fixing the fence in the garden. And can you believe it , I here a male voice, "Hey Meisie, meisie." I turn around, and yes there he is 'management' (he owns half the estate) "did they cut your grass" I'm stifled, and tripping over the words in my head wanting to get them out and ask him why he didn't ask me about my dog, all the fireworks of you go to hell switch right off and i look at him and all I can get out is" yes thanks they did." thinking in my head "who's your fucking meisie" He walks of and I top right in my tracks, obsessing over. All talk and no.... or rather no talk in this case

Point is I always get really aggravated over seriously small things and its a waste of energy. I spent at least three hours conjuring up ways of how I'm going to say this and that over a complaint about my dog. Who cares, let her bark and let me just calm down.

I think sometimes I'm just looking for a fight, often a fight takes your mind off whats really going on, you get to use it to get away from whats really making you angry or frustrating or even hurting. I do this sometimes. I guess that's why i seem unapproachable sometimes. The chip on the shoulder thing.

I have many more obsessive thought, to lay those down , it will be a full 20 pages, so I will slowly add it over the weeks. I do know I seem to be of a gummy nature, I want to know how?, where? ,why not?,why?who with?,when?if?,is?,isn't......

I love to wrap myself around something, people are favourite, especially people I feel I have become close to, i warm myself up around them, so I like to think as I'm nowhere near them, I find ways to be close if there is no physical way, I do not pretend in any way, I don't need to because I believe. Anyway.

Sort of away from subject but sort of not, Another obsession I have are actors, I always have an actress I follow , but I don't mean sexually, I mean obviously I think Penelope Cruz is hot and she can wrap herself around me any day, but what I mean is I become besotted with a type of actress, there work and how amazing they are, i follow there every piece of work, It's been Cate Blanchett (well actually I used to semi stalk her in London at a play house, I watched her in a play called plenty, she was extraordinary, and lets say i watched her for a few nights thereafter , but it was only a few nights) Then it was Naomi Watts, Dakota Fanning, Even Rachel Wood. They are all brilliant. The interesting thing about these woman is that they are not my type at all, I am just so engaged with how talented they are. (okay maybe Cate Blanchette)

Point is I have found my new 'love' interest of the arts and i urge you to check her out because she might just be my favourite , I saw here as the younger sister to Keira Knightly (who is my type and would have her in my bed,couch,on the table,floor,in the shower..blah any day) in Atonement and then she really captured my attention in a movie called The Lovely Bones, and I suggest that is a movie to watch. Most recently I was struck by her performance in Hanna, she had me gripped from the moment she came onto the screen. I am officially taken. Obsessed for life. Her name is Saoirse Ronan just 17 so theres a lot to look forward to.

That's me in a nutshell for today>>>>> iv'e chosen to put up the 'friendlier trailer' but I seriously LOVE the other one. friendly trailer. It may not be for sensitive people some people I know even, but seriously watch this movie watch this girl, watch this space.

Dial analyst

"I'm not at liberty to say!" 

Don't you hate it when people say that, not at liberty to say, the meaning is so brutal, to think that freedom could pull my strings as this statement does, let me repeat it one more time , not at fucking liberty to say.

My blood wants to fume through my veins and come up through my skin every time. Oh but why is this moving the planet in my head off its axis so abundantly. I can tell you and it may seem absurd, but that may be cos it is a little, just a bit.

In this case this statement I will refrain from repeating from here on was said by a therapist about another therapist. (sounds like I'm gonna tell one of those jokes "so this therapist walked into a bar.....") Therapist b happened to be my therapist once "long long long long long -sarcastically-long long many moons ago" 

I journeyed to therapist a today,who I haven't seen for some weeks,when I went through her door I naturally wanted to swing y arms around her and embrace, just a big wholesome hug. I didn't as I probably couldn't and I struggle with this sort of thing, I don't get why not.I wander if she has a therapist to, that a natural instinctive question too, you would think with all the shit they have to listen to all day added with their own life's it should be a given, especially when one is so passionate.... but I'm going off subject now.

 I never knew by the end of the session I would be walking away repeating that ever so annoying statement that irks me so perfectly, the one that has me knocking on the door of therapist b.

Therapist b) I used to have a fortune of feelings for her, a couch crush,everyone I know knows the story.Therapy ended,I met her once,saw she was beautiful in "real" life and life went on. Tried not to think about her as I knew it was wrong and seriously why would someone like her ever reciprocate, besides it being unethical of course. All the insecurities of not being good enough,or being her type or having a job or and or and or and through my head, I never once thought she was not attracted to me,not once,I had a natural in cling that we were believably besides all the or and ifs a possibility. The ethics thing kind of just passed me by. This is just who I am and how it goes. But anyway whatever. Nothing came of it as I love to believe it could of had I tried and just never did, but this is how I like to smooth things out with myself, its far easier than rejection you know or easier then exception sometimes. Almost a year later I think of her again, not that I ever stopped I just pushed it out as there is or was no point,right. 

We chat briefly , Therapist A, (who I am apparently in love with,as my mother as spread the word around town to therapist a's 'friends' which makes me sound like a therapyslut-It seems I really get around, I have a,b now I just need to find c, hey why not go all the way to z:) ) Therapist a and myself, chat briefly about therapist b, I like to pretend that I don't really care and I'm all mature and whatever is,just is. I spontaneously ask her if therapist b is "back with her crazy wife" and she answers with THE STATEMENT! 

I pretend like I don't give a damn, all nonchalant I am, like whatever, but something crazy is going on inside of me, I'm starting to feel jealous. Jealous, come on? you can not be serious, about therapist b who is no longer therapist b to me and is now just M. who from time to time I want to pick up the phone and say hi, sometimes spend weeks creating messages in my mind when all they will simply say is, "hey,I'm not sure how this works,if this works,but do you wanna go for a drink" or "hey,do you wanna go for a drink" and all I have to do is wait for yes or no, because really at the end of the day if its no there will be no difference, will there, and if its yes well then its yes.

But still jealous, what the fuck is that about. If anyone can understand this, i say bring on that advise cos I'm willing to take it like a grown up. 

What is it about therapists, what is it about you? I cant stop wanting to know.


I initially typed up a whole lot of stuff in this space and it has been deleted and perhaps thats for a reason, all I remember is I was babbling about a and be and me and we. It was an entire paragraph and its gone? where to I ask where to?

Let me go back and cook, cos I have a flight of theories coming through. And yes I feel like a god damn fool saying all this,I feel a little ridiculous feel like twat even (considering I'm going on about a phantom crush) , but so what, I feel, they my feelings.

Deal.

See ya later.

"It is a regular observation that when you talk to an individual, and this individual gives you insight into its inner preoccupations,interests,emotions, in other words,hands over his personal complexes,then you get slowly and really really into the situation,of a sort of authority, you become a point of reference, you know you are in possession of all the important items in a persons development.

Now you see that creates an emotional relationship to the analyst. and that is what Freud called transference-which is a central problem of analytic psychology.

it is just so as if these people have handed out their whole existence, and that can have very peculiar effects on the individual. Either they hate you for it or they love you for it,but…you are not indifferent to them.

The archetype is a force it has an autonomy,it can suddenly seize you ,it is like a seizure" -Carl Jung

old skool.... (don't believe in everything freud has ever conjured up, just for the record,my record) s's and g's with a bit of t's.

Font hunter

been clicking it up in my room full of shapes. Everything meshed together. What are the blending options here? Oh who called? I look down at my phone while it rings, vibrates in my hand, nah I'm not gonna answer that, not sure who it is, if its important they can leave a message. No message, oh well cant be important. Damn I should of answered that, who was it, I don't recognise this number. Oh well my bad.

That's 30 seconds from my life. Oh my what a wonderful exciting 30 seconds that was. I have pages and pages of paper scattered around me as well as in a blanked page book. Rather what was blank and is filling up quickly. Little notes here and scribbled stories there. Let me not forget to mention the names of 3000 fonts I've downloaded and deleted and downloaded in the past few day. I am addicted to fonts. Searching them,downloading them, using them,deleting them. I almost know all there names by heart. This is what I do in my spare time, I search.

Ive been contemplating if I should eat a fat free cranberry yogurt for the last 2 hours. I forget , I remember. Ive just remembered and I figure I'm gonna find a clean teaspoon as I hate big spoons in my mouth, touching the corners. I'm gonna dip it into the tiny tub, to scoops later it will be an insider.

Take I'm bored or just to busy and these are my sporadic left over thoughts, I'm too focused in "work" my motion is set and I cant escape it, It most definitely can not escape me. I'm in motion baby.

I'm only here as I promised my self no matter what,where or how I am I will always leave my mark on this page ,every single day. Even if it means I'm eating yogurt, vectoring shapes in my soul, using fonts to connect to nothing and randomly stumbling inside sight of mine, a peaceful race is my mind.

Hardy-Dar

My eyes are seeing through photoshop filters. As I sit and take a 2 minute break to have a sip of coffee and half a fag I start using the magnetic lasso or the magic wand to cut and paste things in and out of view. The hardy-dar instantly becomes a fixture on my lawn and turns blue.

Yip Ive been behind my computer in front of my screen for 17 hours a day every day since Thursday. Apparently I need to take a break. Yeah I probably do. So that's what I do I get up and my break lasts all of 5 minutes and back I go into my "work zone"

This is the first "job" I've had in two years,except of course selling tshirts for some stoners at a market. I say "job" because its not really work, it is work but its exciting, its engaging and it gets my juices flowing and that's exactly why I'm at it all day through the night, also I need to make an impression. First impressions do count. I gave myself a ridiculous deadline (of course I did) a deadline I'm enjoying. It feels like Ive been put to work.

I do however think Ive created a bit of an extraordinary world where my work is a little more than just that. I have this land laid out that there are magnificent ships sailing through the clouds in my sky, throwing fonts down that fall in my hands and my fingertips pain, and I am painting some wonderful things, also I'm getting paid to do it.

I'm happy with this.

Tomorrow tomorrow, I love you Tomorrow, Tomorrows a day away

sometimes...

and only sometimes, I have very little to say, so hear me through this song...

takes a minute to load,

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yes I am a...

give me a bone

I bought my dog a bone today, but she didn't like it. It is rather large and she is kinda small , she was frightened even. As she is naturally curious she sniffed it and ran tail between her legs, she just stood there barking at it. She came back over and over , doing the same thing expecting the bone to be smaller I guess.


Its that old age saying that goes something like this "doing the same ol thing expecting different results" "Insanity" Einstein called it.


Well I'm not so different to my dog, it may not be a arm length bone , It may be the way in which I perceive things, the way in which I interact,the way in which I diet. The way in which I never brush my hair and expect it to look amazing. The way in how I put down the phone before I make a call I really need to make because I'm too scared.
It is the way in which I stay at home and never leave the house expecting that in some inexplicable marvel of an even struck down from some heaven that there will be a mass of people over for drinks or a beautiful woman laid besides me. But I find myself barking at the door,running away with my tail between my legs. Over and over again.
It is in the simple things I do, It is in the more elaborate things I do. Its a learning curb and sometimes I don't bark at my bone and run from it, sometimes I make that call,I open that door,I brush my hair,I interact a smidgen of a different.


Sometimes I'm not insane.


A random afterthought completely unrelated to the context of what Ive written, But It is so that I went out today,by opening my door and getting into my car,to buy some jeans. These jeans happened to be a size down from the last time I bought jeans. So Ive done that differently to:diet, and typical of a woman,such as me, ,My first thought was I must have chocolate= to reward myself. I hesitated as I needed to keep doing it differently.


 a type away.


Let me go and try the bone again, see if she still likes that bark.

A sigh a murmur

and so I sigh...
Unsure of myself. lacking in stance, the surety of it. Am i slanted am I still? Do I rush or am I idle? I sigh again.


Playtime has been rearranged, depleted even, reached its limit. Ive called the safe word. Softly whispered in their ears like lullabies. It seems soft songs go unheard. Loudly chanted like a riot would strike me to be brashly heard. Not, no i think unseen to the ear of sound or deaf to the emotional pipe of intersect.


And so I sigh again as it falls to me and my socket of walls that can not abstain deaf ears or closed eyes.


I ask for something simple I understand is intricate or for some unclear. For a moment please a flash a minute a second or even a wink: HEAR ME, SEE ME and then continue to do who you do and that is you.


From me I must do the same and SEE and take and try to fathom how you are my father, my brother my sister my mother my lover and even my....

Because I am not you nor you me but Please here I sigh one more time and even beg and plead for this while that you HEAR ME!

This is how I feel today :-)

SMUG

Well who would of thought? I can tell you who. Me! I'm sure a few others too. Today I can say with a fiery gratifying voice, Proudly that I am 2 years clean, so proud of myself I feel I could scream it from where I stand on this end of the earth all the way to What ever planet lies beyond Neptune, it was once Pluto so wherever my chufness carries my excited call to, a planet shall be made there. THATS how amazing I feel.

This morning as I felt the dew come by, My sister sent me a message telling me to celebrate myself and I began to cry. Not because I was sad but I was honestly overwhelmed, I never knew I could be so self satisfied. Once upon a time not so long ago I never knew it was possible to change and do things so differently. With just one little thing a huge sequence of beautiful events have taken place in my life. 

Reflection: I cant say everything has been easy and sometimes far from it but It hasn't been all that hard either. Its just been. I'm just living and learning and trying to be.

I decided I had to make to day a little different to any other and I ended up going all out to ensure that. I not only treated myself, Ia gave myself permission to be a kid but my parent at the same time, I played and I looked after myself as I played. Sure just like life the whole day was not perfect as my moods faltered through and I was a nightmare with real life tantrums from real life frustrations and then they passed or passed them.

When I was a year clean I got myself a puppy (Phoenix) she is a dog now but I still call her puppy. I did things against the grain. According to NA suggestion you get a plant and if it lives then you get a pet and the you get into a relationship. No no not me, I got the dog and well let me face it we've done well. But then I did that whole relationship thing and lets just say maybe I should of backtracked to the plant? So my mission today was to do a 360 and get the plant. 

It was a nice idea but it never happened, I got side tracked. I said earlier I let myself be a child. I started by getting my self a neon yin and yang yo yo with lights (what kid wouldn't be happy with a kick ass yo yo like mine) I had pancakes for breakfast I spent an hour with a "friend/ex" at a games arcade and let it rip- I lost almost every game but I had a lively time. I danced in my car outside a mall with the music turned up full blast as everyone stared. When I got home I played with my gift that I got for myself, The gift I replaced instead of a plant and sure its not the same thing but hey Ive got loads of plants in the garden. i got myself a 1967 Ford Mustang remote control. It scares the wits outs of my dog but I love the fucking thing.

If Ive forgotten anything I'm sure I will remember when I lie down later, i will transfer my thoughts to you sublimely:)

I am thankful to all the people who thought of me today as it makes me feel so special and I love feeling special. I am grateful that I am me. I love this journey. I love that I'm loved. I love that I can buy a toy I always wanted as a kid but couldn't and as a kid I always said when I'm an adult I'll get it. I love that I can kiss my dog silly, That I can cry because I love myself, that I can get moody cos I'm frustrated. I am grateful to you and you and you and you and you and ME to.


I understand meditation to be a form of thanks and prayer and a meeting or a share, for me its to take a moment and I have taken a few to be quiet within myself and to just be. Smile and hug myself and all of you who have helped,held and guided me. Even those who listened only for a moment or smiled just for a second. I take a quiet moment and thank the presence that guides me holds me is my pillar. I choose to be a silly kid who eats pancakes and plays with toys while teasing dogs. Dances in parking lots and screams "give me a break" 


This is my break, this is my moment...>>>>

I may not choose NA but I do choose change,I do choose courage and I do choose serenity.

L O V E

for my amusement

What fun I have on my own. For the last few minutes I have been assisting my beauty of a dog in catching Christmas Beatles. I just couldn't help myself, That look she gets on her little face when she realizes she just cant reach, I stand next to the beetle and tease her for a few seconds before I flick it off and let if fly and the chase begins. I do amuse myself with the smallest things.

I remember when I used to love any sign of the Christmas beetle growing up. It meant Christmas was near and I started writing lists to Santa. Sometimes those lists were not things but dreams, to dream seems to be something I have been doing for a forever.

I spent the day in negotiations with my other self. Do I don't I. I did. Confronted my dad of all I fear and all I fear and all I fear was spoken. I am back to where I started unspoken.

I have this little city in my temporary home, a little city I keep building. I add on things whenever I can , It is a city of dreams. It goes from my heart to my pedestal. Each element I have collected from different parts of the world as well as different facets of my soul. I look directly at my city everyday, I look and feel at peace.. I jingle it and jangle it and see myself walking the streets of it, I eat candyfloss as I drive a corvette. I climb massive rocks on the beach and watch the sunset. There she is in my hair she shines on my skin and I soak up her music. Look my feet are tapping and I'm humming, I call her sueño.

Recess

I was coaxed into going down to sea point main road and it was captivating. I felt alive as I stood on the corner of the street dog in one hand fag in another. I stood there as life rushed pass me. It was like being in freeze frame, slow motion in a music video. Hypnotic.
 As I stepped out of my trance a smelled the sea air meshed with the sidewalk stench and I inhaled every fume with a vibrant smile that was a direct link to my soul.


Don't mind the girl I argued with as she told me how to walk her dog as she walked hers.
 Yes so I swore back at her as she walked off with pomposity. I stopped in my stride and my foul mouth failed me to my mirth. Entranced again by the bustle, its a city on the sea. People! 
If I could open my arms wide enough I would swallow.


I remember today how it is to be in the middle of a vibe. I ask myself why is it that I don't live her anymore, here in my Capetown where I love life to be me.I felt a part of an elation Ive been so far apart from for too long. I felt like being on holiday in December when I was a kid and crying when I had to leave.

I know what I want and I've known for a while: I want to come home!

intimacy

INTI(enter)MA(me)CY(see)

Not for sensitive viewers, particularly family members, as what I am about to put down here is directly related to Sex and me participating in sex with the ex. (but guys, this is my life and I don't want to feel like I have to edit what I experience or feel or this would not be true to me, this is a virtual diary for myself which I'm happy to share freely with others if they so want it) 

Its hard to write at the moment because I am a concubine of sorts. We literally that is exactly as I feel right now. My place is code word for sex haunt as opposed to sex haunt code word for my place because that would mean I am sexual fiend. I am however a very sexual woman, by nature and by choice.

There is a ringing in my ears as I seem to remember snippets of a phone call I had with my therapist last night, discussing exactly how I don't want certain things to be with my "ex", I'm certain sex was one of the things that were not to play in the cards.

Here is the funny story about this. For months I have managed to partake in casual sex with her, not my therapist, my ex and it worked well with me: the lust full of candy in my mouth as i eat how I want as much of it as I want, never feeling ill. Physically never having enough, naked and raw and heavy and course. 

I felt like "the" lover who  could , the lover who never would. I became complete in my parody of a self made up "don jaun' except I wouldn't be a don or  Juan so maybe some other more unlikely seductress made up in my little mind using my amazing body to please and by god be pleased. I became a taker.

Honestly all I was doing was using the good old feel good.  The point I'm getting at I so freely gave myself and thought nothing of it , sex was sex and it was great sex and then we put a stop to it. Today something changed and something different happened in me.

I have these spurts from time to time, where I don't even think of sex, I stop sexualising the woman I usually put in my little boxes and keep them there for special occasions. I become dead to pleasures of erotic visuals that draw bumps from my skin where my hair stands and my loins swing freely. Beating as I numb from radiance of that where mind flows through blood and reach.

Things changed as I knew she is now in flirtation with someone a new. This does not phase me. I did however see this as an opening for the whole sex with the ex. The plan was to say good by, with a full throttle high. I will spare you the details as they are of extreme intimacy.

I can say all I needed to do was slide my hand from her knee to her groin and rest there for a while and then we kissed. Before you knew it our clothes were strewed over the floor and we were positioned beautifully in bed. where after we slept naked entwined which kinda got me going again and again we went.

Afterwards I asked if she thought of this girl during and she returned with "even if i did I wouldn't tell you" Tis is where things changed for me. I felt like a cheap whore who had just been used for sex to fulfill her fantasy of her new chick, so basically I was a piece of meat with no face or name, I was sex.

Go figure I would feel like the used after I so gladly slept with her for months. I wanted her out, to fuck off and go and so we fought. She cant understand what the big deal is, "if its only about sex for you so what if I think about someone else" JA , so she didn't think of anyone else apparently and I'm here thinking shes right so fucking what, Its not like I want anything and wait a minute why the fuck am i still doing this and what the fuck am I thinking writing this?

This is me,this is whats happening right now,this is what i have to say. Laid behind me is she who waits for our next romp in the hey. I'm Broken and gone and know this is wrong, I'm taunted and teased and sadly seized,by my own sexed mess i confess , i need no more,less!

the scent from the proof of the sweat in a realistic spoof, I'm a goof, not aloof,play your game oh but I came ,who can i blame but myself I will maim. So just stop its enough, from a fling to a fuck, i call you to feel blue but there not much you can do. Its not fun i explore ,it hurts like blood and gore,i freak out and i scream, so let me go back to daydream.....


oh, this is not so sensitive for those viewers

not because I want to...

a sparrows dwelling

I remember. i remember so many things. I remember then as if it were now and now as if it were then, can one remember everything, emotional overload.

I came home from school one day. Its when we lived in at the end of Pennysway. I can see her as I remember her I can feel her to, she lives aside me, she lives with in.

I got home from school,It was hot and my hands were clammy. It was one of those days where I was moody and irritable. One of those days where I was misunderstood, A day I turned to my fantasy to evade the kids who tease me. I was still a little girl who played grown up. I must of been seven. Some days at school were better than others. Some days I spent all my hours playing games.

I remember one game where used to pretend the field was a lake and I had to use people to get across,I had to turn them into rafts or boats or sometimes they would turn into magical silk that i could walk on.

Sometimes if I was frustrated in class I would find an escape route to the bathroom. Where either I would sit in the stalls and rock til it stopped or I found myself in the stairwell where the sparrows made there mud like nests,I would loose myself in watching as they flew in and out.

So these days to elude the brashness of unexpected actuality. A Little girl unbeknown to her rapidly different but ever so indifferent creative process of survival. Surviving only what she would learn to understand a good 20 years later, alligator-

 I got back from school hot, and my hands clammy, I was moody as I had a day of kids teasing me and me hiding in corners or walking on the far end of the field. I threw my school bag down rather aggressively. the aggressive matched the oppressive. I ran into my room swinging my door open by kicking it in and flinging myself over to my top bunk. I lay on my tummy with my head in my hands and cried.

"Mom why do people have to be so ugly, why are they so mean? Is there something wrong with me? Why am I different?" and the list of questions went on.  

All I remember and the reason I wrote this is because i was humming it in my head earlier,It just came to me,I know why it came- But back then this little girl who asked mom, mom taught her to say: 

"sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never harm me!"

she told me I would be OK if I remembered that and so I went back to school and I believe I never stopped saying that,even though it is so untrue as words are sometimes so much more painful then a beating,words that never leave the soul, a inner scar not a beating an outer scar. So even though I knew this did not take it away it gave me a weapon. Something to believe in ,It held me up when I wanted to fall down and I said it to keep them from seeing it hurt me. 

A miracle drug/weapon for the little girl that wept, so I ask myself, Now what will it be?

notPERFECT

What are the limitations to self control? If I knew the answer to that i suppose i would be one step away from perfection.

what are the prerequisite skills to perfection. That I do know the answer to= there are none, there is no such thing. NOTHING can be perfect. We or I can persuade myself that things would be perfect if only they were like this…. and I will set out a list of steps to reach this perfect picture. Well that's entirely different story.

A perfect picture is easy to paint, to word, to manufacture. The truth which lies behind the picture is the truth of what is. At times I find myself spinning a story of myself to whom ever it may be. Sometimes I have a different picture for a different person. I loos sight of what the real picture is. Once the real me starts to show through these creations, that perfect picture melts away and i stand alone imperfect, not tweaking or editing I'm perfectly me.

I pass by the limits of control, I often fabricate perfection not to fool other but to fool me,  I can admit I don't always want to see that I don't have a job, I don't have a clue, I have bi polar with a side dish of borderline. I replace those things with, I m a photographer, I'm self supported, I am so happy, I'm single because I choose to be, bullocks, I'm single because I'm to bloody scared not to be. I build a home of fantasy around me, my name does mean keeper of the castle.

So I stand before me and stand in my truth, without my job or my girlfriend or wickedly spun stories, i shrug my shoulders and hold my bipolar etc cos that's not me, I am me that's just a minor side effect. I stand and I say "who needs to be in control anyway?" 

I look at me,imperfectly and sense a smile rocking my boat.

This is how I feel at this moment today. That's what moments are for. 

dawn - dusk - dawn

I woke before birds chitter an gazed upon the sun rise from behind the mountain. Just moments ago looking again at the same mountain I watched the moon rise.

In one day I have been the viewer of a shining or two climb the sky.

Im glad that in all my foolishness of mania I can sit for those few moments and remember the stillness of both the moment when it became morning and then true night. Anything in-between before or thereafter is purely a rush of going round the bend again.

i imagine the in-between is like some sort of slide,rushing down, but down is not falling to the ground. My slide is the wrong way round so I am sliding up and at the top I hold a balloon in my hand,my balloon takes me on a ride a ride to the bottom,the merry go round begins.

I left my humble abode today, "make way for the shops" I had one mission, just one. I need to go buy vegetables for my stir fry tonight, but they had to be the ready cut ones in the packet.(cheaper -and Im momentarily money strapped,so things like that make all the difference) I have no recollection of the happenings at the shop. The mundane things like getting out the car and getting back in about sums it up. Aside from that I remember this:

I met a girl today. Mesmerized. She was fixated, could not take her eyes off me. I didn't look her in the eye,I simply couldn't. We touched and I couldn't let go, i was caressing her hand,wiping it as if I was burrowing something out of it… Thats exactly what I was doing, she was the cashier at the shop where i was buying my vegetables. She was staring at me because I blanked out as I gave her the wrong denomination of money. "We" touched because for some unknown reason to me I decided to hold her hand and burrow my money out of it then pay her exactly what I had paid her before= the wrong amount. At this point I felt like i was now bouncing off the walls I was like and elephant with the energy levels of a lion while he mates ricocheting off the walls. I only realized what happened as I was halfway to the car holding a roll of plastic bags in my hand, I obviously took from the cashier and I just cracked up laughing.

Oh okay, lets go home and stay inside just still you've calmed down. Im still bouncing but I feel calm. If calm is a tingle in my brain.

I will try not to stare at the moon until it fades into sun.